pavman Posted January 13, 2006 Report Share Posted January 13, 2006 An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"? The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.Why? Do you think they look alike? "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got sh*gged twice" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magman Posted January 13, 2006 Report Share Posted January 13, 2006 cheered me up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisNicholls Posted January 13, 2006 Report Share Posted January 13, 2006 This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are gonna have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck ...who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, **** van Dyke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Highlander Posted January 13, 2006 Report Share Posted January 13, 2006 An even older one but still a golden one. My apologies to the Irish contingent on here (don't wanna get kneecapped ) A joke for Friday: (best read with an Irish accent) Three leprechauns, Mick Sean and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting ****** when Mick shouts out, "Jaysus, I'm bored widbein' a ******' nobody. I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guiness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book". "What de hell are ye talkin' about, je eejit. You've dun nuttin' to get in de book for", say Sean. "Well, it's me hands, Sean". Mick says waving them around, "I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous". The other two agree that they are very small and they carry on drinking heartily. A little while later Kevin pipes up, "Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guiness Book of Records for yer small hands, so can I". The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, "How can ye have de smallest hands in de world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool"? Kevin replies, "It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet", and he takes off his boots to show them. "I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get myself entered into de Guiness Book of Records too". The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they go back to their drinking. Some time later Sean chimes in, "Well, if youse two can get into de Guiness Book of Records, I can too". The others fall about laughing, "What de **** have you got dats so *******' interestin" cries Mick. "It's me ****, Mick", he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy. "Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Sean", says Kevin, "dat's the smallest ******' **** I ever saw" and with that they all go back to drinking. Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when, out of the corner of his eye, Mick spots the Guiness Book of Records office further down the street. "Jaysus, he says "I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured" and off he staggers. Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face waving his hands in the air. "I did it, I did it", he says. "I'm in de book for de smallest hands in de world, nobody's got smaller hands dan me", he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward. "Go on ye eejit, see if ye have the smallest feet in de world, go on". "**** it, I will", says Kevin and off he staggers. Ten minutes later, he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air. "Jaysus, I'm famous. I've got de smallest feet in the world. I'm famous, I'm famous" With that Sean staggers to the office door. "I'm gonna get me **** measured" he says, "I won't be long". The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by. Ten minutes turns into twenty and twenty into thirty. No sign of Sean. Forty minutes go by and the office doors opens. Sean slouches out looking disconsolate and says: "Who de ****** hell is PAVMAN???" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkeye Posted January 13, 2006 Report Share Posted January 13, 2006 An even older one but still a golden one. My apologies to the Irish contingent on here (don't wanna get kneecapped ) A joke for Friday: (best read with an Irish accent) Three leprechauns, Mick Sean and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting ****** when Mick shouts out, "Jaysus, I'm bored widbein' a ******' nobody. I'm tinkin' I'll take meself down to de Guiness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book". "What de hell are ye talkin' about, je eejit. You've dun nuttin' to get in de book for", say Sean. "Well, it's me hands, Sean". Mick says waving them around, "I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous". The other two agree that they are very small and they carry on drinking heartily. A little while later Kevin pipes up, "Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guiness Book of Records for yer small hands, so can I". The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, "How can ye have de smallest hands in de world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool"? Kevin replies, "It's not me hands, Mick, it's me feet", and he takes off his boots to show them. "I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get myself entered into de Guiness Book of Records too". The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they go back to their drinking. Some time later Sean chimes in, "Well, if youse two can get into de Guiness Book of Records, I can too". The others fall about laughing, "What de **** have you got dats so *******' interestin" cries Mick. "It's me ****, Mick", he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy. "Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Sean", says Kevin, "dat's the smallest ******' **** I ever saw" and with that they all go back to drinking. Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when, out of the corner of his eye, Mick spots the Guiness Book of Records office further down the street. "Jaysus, he says "I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured" and off he staggers. Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face waving his hands in the air. "I did it, I did it", he says. "I'm in de book for de smallest hands in de world, nobody's got smaller hands dan me", he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward. "Go on ye eejit, see if ye have the smallest feet in de world, go on". "**** it, I will", says Kevin and off he staggers. Ten minutes later, he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air. "Jaysus, I'm famous. I've got de smallest feet in the world. I'm famous, I'm famous" With that Sean staggers to the office door. "I'm gonna get me **** measured" he says, "I won't be long". The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by. Ten minutes turns into twenty and twenty into thirty. No sign of Sean. Forty minutes go by and the office doors opens. Sean slouches out looking disconsolate and says: "Who de ****** hell is PAVMAN???" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pavman Posted January 13, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2006 nice one, even I like it :*) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadkill Posted January 13, 2006 Report Share Posted January 13, 2006 WHY DO MEN PEE STANDING UP God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over and couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Please! Pleeeeease! Give it to me! Give it to meeee!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left." "What's it called?" asked Eve. "Brains," said God Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fubar Posted January 13, 2006 Report Share Posted January 13, 2006 now thats a good joke roadkill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
govshot Posted January 14, 2006 Report Share Posted January 14, 2006 Now I've heard that one before although the second thing thta was left over was multiple orgasms... :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.