novice cushie shooter Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 My wife and i are having some bother. She and my mum have never got on for no reason what so ever. My wife has refused to have my mun over for xmas dinner as she doesnt want sn altmosphere on xmas day and only wants to spend it with her family. My wife also refuses to let my mum or dad look after or spend anytime alone with our kids. My mum and dad have started to resent her cos of this and my mum has also started avoiding me and ignoring my contact. She has agreed to marrige councilling but i am not sure it will help. I dont want to lose my mum but also love my wife and family and dont know what to do. Anyone been kn the same boat or constructive advice more than welcome. Ncs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustJon Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 I avoided counselling for 15 years over the way my parents split and my dad treated me. Do it - and be open to it. It helps understand perspective and move forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novice cushie shooter Posted October 22, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 (edited) Thanks jj. Done counselling before when i lost my best mate in a car crash but this is very diferent. Edited October 22, 2013 by novice cushie shooter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustJon Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 I can understand that - it's long term views of the world, that's what mines talking to me about. Not talking depression or anything like that - I think seeing a counsellor for that is easier to understand! I've become a firm believer that the US and their on-tap physiologists in big companies are right! Auto correct making the above profession wrong! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mungler Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 I would be wary of any woman (be it your mum or your Mrs) who wants to own you or posses you to the exclusion of others. If they are going to get on they are going to have to meet somewhere in the middle, and that looks unlikely. Whether your mrs hates your mum is one thing but depriving your kids access to their grandmother is wrong - as hard as it is your mrs should put her feelings to one side and do what's best for your children. Obviously if your mum is mental or dangerous then fair do's but it sounds like with holding the grand children is a mechanism at getting at your mum which is just wrong - it's not in the kids best interests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
team tractor Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 I hated my ex mother in law and don't get on with the girlfriends dad:( as he's met my kids once in 2 years and ignored them then. I wouldn't ever disown my parents for any woman . Ask the wife what she would do in your position ? My ex was a b1tch and I'm glad she's gone but it also made me realise I won't put up with the **** and would start over . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kes Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 I would be wary of any woman (be it your mum or your Mrs) who wants to own you or posses you to the exclusion of others. If they are going to get on they are going to have to meet somewhere in the middle, and that looks unlikely. Whether your mrs hates your mum is one thing but depriving your kids access to their grandmother is wrong - as hard as it is your mrs should put her feelings to one side and do what's best for your children. Obviously if your mum is mental or dangerous then fair do's but it sounds like with holding the grand children is a mechanism at getting at your mum which is just wrong - it's not in the kids best interests. Sound advice. What about your feelings? I am sure you want your children to have grandparents on both sides of the family? I suggest you explain to your wife that whilst you and her mum get on well how would she feel is you refused to have her mum over for Christmas and denied her access to the children. Dont do it confrontationally - just matter of factly. I know its a sensitive issue but what you want for your children is as important for their development as your wife's wishes. Has she any close female friends you could explain this to and they in turn mention it, so you arent the one raising the unpleasant issues ? However if you cant talk this through it does not help for the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mungler Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 (edited) Unfortunately I think it's all about control, control of you and your kids. Do you consider that you have been isolated from any of your friends or other family members? A mate of mine is in the throws of a divorce and he was obviously removed by his mrs from his circle of friends and family. Now the marriage has gone bang, he's struggling to find his feet or pick up where he left off with his friends 15 years ago. The thing is we all said it would happen and we all saw it happening. Edited October 22, 2013 by Mungler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kes Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 The point is, as said, how much are you prepared to sacrifice to 'keep the peace, or maintain the status quo'. My advice would be to sort this now, one way or the other, control simply gets more aggressive as the years advance. Is perhaps your wife the one who looks after the family finances ? You need to ask yourself what freedoms do I have, if the answer is too few, you need to act now. This issue is one on which you should perhaps stand your ground ? All the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HDAV Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Go too the counselling and get the right advice hope it works out for you fella. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karpman Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 Go too the counselling and get the right advice hope it works out for you fella.+1 good luck mate The fact you have asked on a public forum suggest to me your struggling so what you got to lose. Karpman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stoggieman Posted October 22, 2013 Report Share Posted October 22, 2013 A quiet talk is in order with your wife. Every generation sees things in different ways. My mother was an evil woman and my father was weak she really upset my wife and we never spoke to her after that caused hell in the family and brother disowned me. Then 27 yrs later we met in a supermarket in Evesham he was on holiday and wife and I had a large contract in the area we had been there for 11 months neither of us knew were the other was but we spoke to each other and went for a coffee. He was not aware what had gone on in the past but we have become a family again so in this case a talk would bring things out that you could both work on. It would also be worth thinking about having a family meal at a neutral dining room then take things from there Peter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delburt0 Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 Tell yer mrs to give her head a shake,Your mum and dad brought you into this world.listening to what you say your wife seems to have her head up her own ****.Obviously seems to think your parents are inferior to her and her family And thinks she is better,(I wouldn't want to be married to anyone like this)Ask her to try at least to be sociable if she cares for you she will do this,If she don't she doesn't love you and probably be cheating... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novice cushie shooter Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) My mum is not mental or dangerous. Should have pointed this out. We control the finances together. Think she may have control issues. I feel it was beneficial to get views from folk who dont know us ie our friends and family may be biased. Fwiw my wife does not hate my mum they just dont get on. A clash of personalaties if you want. Been at my wits end and just had enough. Thanks for the advice guys. What i am worried about is access to my kids if we separate. I have a good close knit of friends who are here to support me. Out of 6 coulpes marries only 2 of us are still married. Worryingly Edited October 23, 2013 by novice cushie shooter Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kes Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 It a very hard time and you must believe it will get better, either way. It sounds like the its just something that has grown up over time. Maybe your wife is a sensitive type and wants to be the focus of your life - she should know she doesnt have to exclude your mum to do that. It sounds to me like you know what the problems are and its the action you take that you need help with. I have never been to counselling so cant advise on that but you will need a mechanism for talking in the future - married people have problems over time. The 2/3 rds of couples getting divorced is sadly the norm these days. Whatever you do, do something, doing nothing is not an option for all your future happinesses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novice cushie shooter Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 Thanks kes. I couldnt do nothing anyway. Its trying to sort the problems with somone who is stubborn. Hopfully thats what counciling will resolve....or break. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
figgy Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) Ask your wife,how she would feel if the roles were reversed and you were completely unreasonable. Hope she sees sense as if not your in a whole world of hurt. If it was me I'd put my foot down, if she's not happy tough as your not happy as it stands neither is your family, don't put up with it is my view. Not marriage counselling she needs, but counselling for her control issues. Life is far to short to put up with unessisary ****, if you allow this to continue and when your parents do pass, how much resentment would you feel towards your partner and yourself for letting it happen. Marriage is about compromise and getting along, we all butt heads at times but work it out so both are happy. Figgy Edited October 23, 2013 by figgy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novice cushie shooter Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 I kinda resent her already and ive told her that. She has said today that the midwife says she has post natal depression. I dont want to rock the boat before seeking help as if it goes belly up i want to keep the house. Even talking about it that way sounds like i know which ending is going to happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kyska Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 I kinda resent her already and ive told her that. She has said today that the midwife says she has post natal depression. I dont want to rock the boat before seeking help as if it goes belly up i want to keep the house. Even talking about it that way sounds like i know which ending is going to happen. Then, in my experience you're probably right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxy bingo Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 if you get on well with your parents don't push them aside for any body no matter who they are Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocksaplenty Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) Is not having Christmas with your parents that big a deal? I'd put my loyality with my wife and children, especially if she is going through a bad time at the moment. Perhaps trying to understand the implied pressures that your parents might be exerting on her, even those of them just being who they are.This is a situation that most longer term married people have to edge around at some stage. That being the decision whether you want to be a longer term married person, or one of those that jumps. Good luck. Edited October 23, 2013 by rocksaplenty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mungler Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 (edited) It's not as black and white as taking sides or backing one against / over the other. Why prevent the grandchildren from having access to the grandparents? Going along with that for no reason (i.e. when the grandparents aren't lunatics or boozehounds) is just plain weak and the OP is right to call it into question. Growing up, I loved going round my grandparents - I got to do everything mum and dad would say no to. It was my grandparents who got me into shooting and got me my first airgun at 14. Also, when I was in trouble at home, I would use the grandparents as a bolt hole. I remember an incident involving a can of paint and I was starring at a whooopin and a half, so I jumped on my bike and made a break for the border. That safety net / safe harbour of someone within the family is (I think) invaluable. Good times. Edited October 23, 2013 by Mungler Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thunderbird Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 What he said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novice cushie shooter Posted October 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 Yes and no. Its the principal that i am expected to have xmas dinner with her family but she refuses to have my family join us. But its not just xmas its anytime. She refuses to compromise. I have no desire to end my marrige but am not being forced by anyone to chose one or tuther or shut one out, who deserves that done to them? Very good points mungler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kes Posted October 23, 2013 Report Share Posted October 23, 2013 Yes and no. Its the principal that i am expected to have xmas dinner with her family but she refuses to have my family join us. But its not just xmas its anytime. She refuses to compromise. I have no desire to end my marrige but am not being forced by anyone to chose one or tuther or shut one out, who deserves that done to them? Very good points mungler. I agree, being forced to choose to forego your family in favour of your wife's is not what marriage is about, especially at Christmas. Offer to have them over on their own at New Year as a compromise. If that is unacceptable, maybe you have an answer - sadly of the wrong sort. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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