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Be warned!!!!

> >

> > A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

> > The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the

> > town

> > and

> > party with his old buddies.

> > So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are

> > you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty

> > face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my

> > love?" She opened the door to the

> > refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12

> > different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

> >

> >

> > The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could

> > think

> > of saying was, "

> > Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know.... they have frozen

> > glasses..."

> >

> > He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him

> > by

> > saying, "

> > You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

> >

> > She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was

> > getting

> > chills just holding it.

> >

> > The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the

> > bar

> > they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be

> > long.

> > I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

> >

> > "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?"

> >

> > She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres:

> > chicken wings,

> > pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

> >

> > "But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know. .there's swearing, dirty

> > words

> > and all that..."

> >

> > "You want dirty words, cutie pie?

> >

> >

> > "LISTEN UP, ****HEAD! DRINK YOUR ******* BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG

> > AND

> > EAT YOUR MOTHER******* SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU

> > AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ####?"

> >

> > And, they lived happily ever after.

> >

> > THE END!!!!!!!!!!!

> >

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One Day Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were fishing in each their boats in da

Basin Canal. Soon Boudreaux see Thibodeaux paddling toward him.

 

When he got there he ax Boudreaux to borrow his cigarette lighter. He

wanted to smoke real bad and couldn't find his lighter.

" Hey, Boudreaux let me borrow you lighter. I can't fine mine.

 

Boudreaux whipped out a pretty Bic lighter a foot long. Man, he pushed

down

on that lighter and a flame 6 inches tall came out. Thibodeaux was so

impressed he ax Boudreaux where he got that. "A genie gave me that. Just

 

paddle around the bend there and you'll see a big rusty drum tied to a

limb

there. Just rub that drum and she will come out and grant you one wish."

 

Thibodeaux hurry and paddle out there to get his wish. He was so nervous

and

excited. When he got there, he rub that drum and sure 'nuff, out she

came.

 

"What is you wish master?" she asked.

 

"Mais, let me see. Oh, yes! I want a million bucks."

 

"Your wish is on it's way."

 

Sure enough. The sky fill up with ducks. All kinds of ducks. Big ones,

'lil

ones - - all kinds. He was so upset. He didn't want ducks, so he paddled

 

back to Boudreaux. The ducks still following him. "Boudreaux, what's

the matter with 'dat dam genie. I ask for a million bucks and look what

she send me."

 

"Don't feel too bad, Thibodeaux......Do you think I ax for a 12 inch

Bic?"

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A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street

dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a House of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have

the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not,so she told him to come in. Once in, she

told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots

after making love with Amber.

THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving

me at home with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the Dose that I just caught".

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home.

On the way,he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and

have sex,and Mum will catch it".

"In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the plonker who ran over my FROG!"

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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,

>>when it

>>started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the

>>end, put

>>

>>it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

>>Lady 1: What's that?

>>Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

>>Lady 1: Where did you get it?

>>Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

>>

>>The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and

>>announces

>>to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

>>

>>The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she

>>is,

>>after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what

>>brand & size she prefers.

>>

>>Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel!

>>( The pharmacist fainted.)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dear Technical Support

 

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2,

which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are

apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution

was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

 

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several

other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and

Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

 

A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and

left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for

several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend

1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems

detected each other, they

caused severe damage to my hardware.

 

I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon

had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up

all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and

Cleanhouse 2002.

 

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be

very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically

stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then

resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

 

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and

can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter

products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the

problem is.

 

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,

requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express

which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns

unwelcome child processes

that drain my resources. These conflicts with some of the new games I

wanted

to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.

 

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often

crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called

Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off.

 

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be

problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0

detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files

before uninstalling itself.

 

Any ideas?

:D:lol:

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Client to cashier: Excuse me , but how can this small hand bag cost so much?

Cashier: Its made of foreskin, when you like it it becomes a suitcase! :P

 

 

______________________

 

Hubby to wife: Let me take a photo of you tits,at least i can look at them when i want.

Wife to Hubby: Let me take a photo of your **** at least i can get it ENLARGED

 

______________________

 

Farmer buys a milking machine. Trys it on his Penis & has a great orgasm, but can't remove it. He reads the manual & faints. It says AUTO RELEASE AFTER 21 LITRES.

 

:D:lol: :yp:

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A farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces". The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres". The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays". The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a case, but I got a John Deere." The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere." The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?". The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30". The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce! :rolleyes::D

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I have deleted the last two posts as being in bad taste.

 

This forum is not the place for the telling of racial jokes especially when the death of twenty people is involved.

 

All the members who have met me will vouch that no-one enjoys a laugh and a joke more than me but lets keep them not so controversial or in such bad taste lads.

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Man wakes up one morning and looks out of his window and to his shock sees the meanest looking gorilla swinging from his apple tree.

 

He rings the local zoo and sure enough its Charlie, a 1/2 tonne male silver back. the meanest critter on earth. The zoo send round the escaped animals dept to sort the problem but ask the man not to disturb it at all for fear of it going ape s..t.

 

20mins later the keeper arrives in his white van and says to the man lets have a look at it then.. Yep thats charlie alright said the keeper. give me a hand to get my kit and Ill tell you what where going to do.

 

Man helps keeper and from his van they get a net, a old remington 303, and a bloody great Alsatian with stainless steel razor sharp teeth.

 

This is the plan said the keeper.

 

Ill shin up the tree and distract the gorilla, Ill shake the branch and he will lose his balance and fall, you let go of the dog, it will run up and bite the Gorilla in the knackers thus paralizing him. then you slip the net over him, Job done.

 

Lets just re-cap on that said the man. You shin up the tree, shake the branch, gorilla falls, I loose the dog, dog bites gorilla in plums, I slip net over gorilla..

 

Yep thats it said the keeper.

 

Just one thing said the man.. Whats the gun for???

 

If I fall out of the tree said the keeer, " Shoot The Bloody Dog !!! "

:rolleyes:

 

FM.

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Two farmers, Ted & Burt, leant over the gate talking. One says to the other, Hey Ted how come your pig only got one leg?

 

Well that be a long story said Ted... You remember when the house caught fire and we was all workin in the fields, well that pig ran out a squealin and a gruntin and raised the alarm... He did save my Bessys life.

 

And do you remember when me daughter a few years later was stood under that tree in the storm... That pig moved her on just before the tree came down.. he done saved my little girls life...

 

And do you remember when I fell into the burn that time it was in spate... That god damn pig threw inself in and dragged I out ... he done saved my life too..

 

And do you remember when ar gabriel crashed the car that pig dragged him out the flames by the collar... saved my little boy life he did...

 

Yes Ted... But whys he only got one leg?

 

Well when you got a pig like that Burt you dont eat him all at once! :rolleyes::D

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