sussex Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word: ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Browning GTS Posted March 9, 2006 Report Share Posted March 9, 2006 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her >baby > in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the >lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed >that there > were several cabs -- and! I was in the wrong one. > > Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX. > > > > 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly >and > slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I > > instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. > > Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA > > > > > > 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that >her > husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five > > minutes later,I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he >had > died of a "massive internal ****." > > Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada > > > > 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his > > cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble >with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The >nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running >out of plac es > to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I > > wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, >the > instructions include removal of the old patch before > > applying a new one. > > Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA > > > > 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How > > long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she > > answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was > > alive." > > Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR > > > > > > 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this > > morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't >seem > to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the > > jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." > > Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI > > > > 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman >entered. > She had purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sported a >variety > of tattoos, and was wearing strange clothing. It was quickly >determined > that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for > > immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating > > table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and > > above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the > > surgery was com pleted, the surgeon wrote a short note on the >patient's > dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." > > Submitted by RN no name > > > > AND FINALLY!!!................ > > > > > > 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite >embarrassed > when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had > > unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady > > upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and > > further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, > > "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song > > you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". > > Dr. wouldn't submit his name > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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