hawkeye Posted February 13, 2006 Report Share Posted February 13, 2006 40,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention. Alan Shearer says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 40,000 Geordies start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Shearer says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 40,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" Shearer is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened - Gazza starts crying and the 40,000 geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHERCHANCE!" Shearer, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 40,000 geordies jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkeye Posted February 13, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2006 A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive ! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall !" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkeye Posted February 13, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2006 A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkeye Posted February 13, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2006 > >A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off >Down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing >through His thinning) hair. > >"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. > >But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police >Car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no >problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the >road at Over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped. > >Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of >thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the >Police car to catch up with him. > >The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's >side. "Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. >"If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why >You were speeding, I'll let you go." > >The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran >Off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back" > >The Policeman said, "Have a nice day." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PestController Posted February 13, 2006 Report Share Posted February 13, 2006 :yp: B) very good. Like the gazza one best, just told the missus....she's geordie! ouch :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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