Joke

[Nildes]

> >

> >I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women

differ

> >so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars

> >thing. I

> >have never figured out why men think with their head and women

with

> >their heart.

> >

> >FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting

> >into bed.

> >

> >Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I

don't

> >feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

> >

> >I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

> >

> >So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to

> >hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as

> >a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She

> >responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for

> >who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

> >

> >Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to

> >sleep.

> >

> >The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time

> >with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a

big,

> >big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she

tried

> >on

> >several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which

> >one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted

> >new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair

> >for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she

picked

> >out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so

> >excited.

> >She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I

started

> >to

> >think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet

> >when she

> >doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a

loop

> >when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual

> >satisfaction

> >from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she

> >finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

> >

> >I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't

> >feel like it."

> >

> >Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a

baffled

> >"WHAT?"

> >

> >I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

> >You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough

for

> >me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she

had

> >this

> >look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just

love

> >me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

> >

> >Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that

> >bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

> >--------------------------------------------------------

[Browning GTS]

:blink:

[Browning GTS]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is

 

very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his "tool" covered with bright green and purple freckles.

 

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

 

The man returns a couple of days and the doctor says "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of there. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.

 

We're going to have to amputate your "tool".

 

The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

 

The doctor replies "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice".

 

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.. The Chinese doctor examines his tool and proclaims "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

 

The guy says to the doctor "Yeah yeah, I already know that but what we can do?

 

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my tool?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. They make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

 

"Oh Thank God!" the man replies. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor "You no worry! Wait two weeks. D..k fall off by itself! You save money"

 

___________________________________________________________________

[Browning GTS]

Pakistani Prayer

 

 

 

I come to England poor and broke;

Go on dole, see labour bloke;

Fill in forms and stand around;

Kind man give me twenty pound!

Thank him much, then he say:

“Come back next week and get more pay.”

 

You come here, we make you wealthy;

Doctor free to keep you healthy;

Send for friends from Pakistan –

Tell them come as quick as can.

Plenty of us on the dole,

With motorcar and big bank roll.

Come with me, we live together,

(One bad thing – the bloody weather!)

 

All get nicely settled down,

Find big house in busy town.

Fifteen families living up,

Twice as many living down.

All are paying nice big rent –

More in garden live in tent.

Soon we send for wife and kids,

Kind man give me lots more quids.

 

Twelve months later, buy a Rolls;

Still go to Labour, draw more doles;

Wife get glasses, teeth and pills,

All are free, get no bills;

White man pays out all the year,

To keep National Assistance here.

 

Bless all white men, big and small,

For paying tax to keep us all.

We think England damn good place –

Too damn good for white man race.

If they don’t like coloured man,

Plenty room in Pakistan!

[ChrisNicholls]

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new

found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"OK"

"And my trousers?"

"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm ********'!!