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Monday Jokes


Nildes
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Something to upset everyone here!

 

 

 

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very

Sexy nightie.

 

 

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

 

 

So he tied her up and went shooting.

 

 

**************************************************

 

 

 

 

A Man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into

the house.

 

He slammed the door and shouted at the top of his lungs,

 

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

 

 

The wife said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or

mountain stuff?"

 

 

 

 

"Doesn't matter," he said. "Just get out."

 

 

**************************************************

 

 

 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the

 

 

other is a husband.

 

 

**************************************************

 

 

 

A Polish immigrant went to the DVL to test for a driver's license.

 

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

 

The optician showed him a

card with the letters:

 

 

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

 

 

 

 

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

 

 

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

 

**************************************************

 

 

 

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must

tell

 

you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

 

 

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of

chardonnay."

 

**************************************************

 

 

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

 

 

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

 

 

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

 

 

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN

 

 

THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are

 

 

we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

 

 

Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen

 

 

to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!

 

 

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.

 

 

You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.

 

 

USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

 

 

 

 

 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?

 

 

You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

 

 

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you

 

 

what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

 

**************************************************

 

 

 

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was

 

 

drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued

him

a comb.

 

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

 

 

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

 

 

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

 

 

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap

 

 

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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