Joke

[lurcherboy]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

 

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

 

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

 

 

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

 

 

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Actual exchanges... between pilots and control towers...

 

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up

here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting

to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known

position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out

after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of

the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit

off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the

following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance

time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in

English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane,

in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because

you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7";

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after

we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,

we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of

the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned

around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in

the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you

make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a

real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and

I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was

with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following

exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call

sign Speedbird 206.

Speed bird 206 : "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground:

"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been

to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- I was

dropping things and didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a

United 727.

 

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto

Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's

difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it

right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort

this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can

expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you

to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You

got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging

the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every

cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown

pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing

home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there

was anything wrong.

 

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I

am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she

replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

 

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private

Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

 

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall

like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my

Private Part died."

 

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

 

 

 

LB