Flooding in the North of England

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[size="3"]Major floods hit North Britain...

 

Epicentre: Rotherham, England

 

News of the disaster was swiftly carried abroad by the town's 35,000 Racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly Muttering "fookinhell" and "chuffinnorah".

The flood decimated the town, causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearic Isles and The Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of Historic burnt out cars were ruined.

 

Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio station RotherFM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and Bewildered, Still trying to come to terms with the fact that something Interesting Had Happened in Rotherham. One resident, 15 year old mother of 3, Tracey Sharon Braithwaite said: "It were such a shock, my little lass Chardonnay-Madonna came running

Into My bedroom crying. The twins, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept Through it all. I were still shaking when I were watching Jeremy Kyle T next Morning".

However, locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings And car crime carried on as normal.

 

So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4000 crates Of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken Locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large Quantities Of Personal belongings including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke At Argos, and bone China from Pound-Stretcher.

Can You Help?

 

Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the Victims of this disaster.

Clothing is needed most of all, especially:

 

? Fila or Burberry baseball caps

? Kappa tracksuit tops (his / hers)

? Shell suits (female)

? White sports socks

? Rockfort boots or any other product sold by Primark.

 

Culturally sensitive food parcels are harder to put together, but Your efforts will make a difference.

Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal.

Please do not donate anything that requires peeling.

Remember:

 

22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims ? £2 buys chips, Crisps And a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9 £5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm a child's nerves. And for only the price of A Bottle Of house sparkling wine in a south west London pub will be able to Buy a house for a typical household of 9 + 3 dogs!

Urgently required: Tinned whippet food, Caesar for Jack Russells.

Please do not send tents for shelter - the obvious improvement in Housing might cause residents to believe they have been forcibly

Relocated to Sheffield