for the weekend

[the last engineer]

Dont know if any of you guys have seen this before, its been around the block a few times but is still one of the best.

 

The guy who wrote this is a genius. The letter to the bank below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

 

Dear Sir:

 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

 

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud.

 

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

 

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

 

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

 

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

 

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:

 

Press buttons as follows:

 

To make an appointment to see me.

 

To query a missing payment.

 

To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

 

To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

 

To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

 

To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

 

To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact

 

To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

 

To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie": "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

 

First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

 

New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

 

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

 

Your Humble Client,

 

 

 

Martin

[lurcherboy]

Blinding TLE I have got to admire his attitude

 

 

 

 

 

LB

[SNAKEBITE]

If I can edit it to become more "English" and add a few extra points I would gladly post it to my bank manager.

All I need is his address in Bangalore.

[JJaxeman]

I would luv to send a letter like that to my Bank but like Snakebite they would have to have it translated to there lingo

Thats why I do most of my banking on line, if they ring and have a not so UK voice if you know what I mean then I just Hang up its thier phone bill

 

 

 

Cheers

 

 

Jas

[the last engineer]

I would luv to send a letter like that to my Bank but like Snakebite they would have to have it translated to there lingo

Thats why I do most of my banking on line, if they ring and have a not so UK voice if you know what I mean then I just Hang up its thier phone bill

 

 

 

Cheers

 

 

Jas

JJaxeman, i would imagine that you have the same sales pitch plonkers calling at supper timeas we do here , we have caller I/D as a paid add on but the companys delete their name from it their end so no good, what i like to do is put them on hold for 2-3 mins while i crack a beer and get comfy, then ask for the routine sales talk , usualy lasts 5-7 mins ,meanwhile you gone and taken a **** refilled your beer put on the favorite show,then ask for more details ont he firsat item,

5 mins later ask if they have any more info, 5 mins later, ask how they feel about gun control , who they voted for and why , what their yearly income is ,then drop the hammer ask them to hold for a bit whilest you discuss it with your mrs, come back in 5 mins and a fresh beer and ask to hear it again for clarity,by this time you should have them well and truly ****** off, ask for a number to call back direct and you'l get back in a day or two, dont forget to get a name to talk to.

 

its a lot of fun when your twelveteen beers into the conversation, suprisingly they dont call back often

 

Martin

[lurcherboy]

I like it Martin. I usually ask them to wait while I get the owner of the house and just leave it hanging on the hook.

 

Had one lady that held for nearly 20 minutes, I imagine she was 'new' and probably unemployed now

 

 

 

 

 

LB