berettaboy Posted January 21, 2003 Report Share Posted January 21, 2003 A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex vit you" "OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 20 pounds an hour". "Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky". "No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs". The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees. "Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing on the springs. "You vill please blow Zis duck call as I make love to you." She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time quacking loudly on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say: "That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"…… "Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigie Posted January 21, 2003 Report Share Posted January 21, 2003 For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way > > computers have enhanced our lives, > > read on. > > > > > > At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the > > computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up > > with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving > > $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon". > > > > In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release > > stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be > > driving cars with the following characteristics: > > > > 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. > > > > 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to > > buy a new car. > > > > 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You > > would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the > > windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you > > could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. > > > > 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left turn would cause > > your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would > > have to reinstall the engine. > > > > 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was > > reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run > > on only five percent of the roads. > > > > 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all > > be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" > > warning light. > > > > 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. > > > > 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out > > and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door > > handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. > > > > 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn > > how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate > > in the same manner as the old car. > > > > 10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE PREDATOR Posted January 21, 2003 Report Share Posted January 21, 2003 A DUSTMAN KNOCKS ON A JAPANESE MANS DOOR "WHERES YOUR BIN" ASKS THE DUSTMAN, WHAT REPLYS THE JAPANESE FELLA "WHERES YA BIN" ASKED THE DUSTMAN AGAIN, MEZ BEEN TO THE TOILET, REPLYS THE JAPANESE FELLA,NO YOU MISUNDERSTOOD SAID THE DUSTMAN WHERES YOUR WHEELIE BIN? THEN THERE IS A SLIGHT PAUSE TO WHICH THE JAPANESE FELLA REPLYS OK I WOZ UP STAIRS HAVING A W***K HE HE .................. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daviddjlloyd Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 A friend phoned his mate and said come up for a shooting weekend . Well he turns up and arrives early, his friend says I`m busy right now but you can go out shooting, take the dogs, His mate returns a few minutes later ,saying got any more dogs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craigie Posted January 29, 2003 Report Share Posted January 29, 2003 Government Worker Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive. Then the three men turned to the government worked worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed, that was awesome Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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