BTMS Posted November 8, 2006 Report Share Posted November 8, 2006 > >A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's > >pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: > >"Have you been drinking Sir?" > >"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?" > >"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly > >fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious" > > > > > > > > Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to > >show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather > >perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. > >"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. > >"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied. > >"How does it work?", asked the guest. > >"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with > >an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall > >screamed, "For ****'s sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!" > > > > > >> >> > > > > > > >A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on > >Santa's lap. > >Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" > >The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." > >Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie > >comes with Ken." > >"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with > >Ken." > > > > > > > > 2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking one turns to the > > other and says, 'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese' > > > > > > > > The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a >thin > > and crusty supreme. > > They sent me Diana Ross. > > > > > > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. > > He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the >puns > > would win. > > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. > > > > > > A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. > > She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets > > his haircut. > > The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair >on > > your muffin." > >"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get t*ts too." > > > > > > > >Scientist today exhumed beethoven from his grave, when they opened the > >coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when > >asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing > > > > > > Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami > > Championships from Tokyo. > > Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View > > > > > > > > Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. > > The agent goes "Sean, i've got you a job, starts tomorrow, early. > > You'll have to be there for 10-ish". > > Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even have a > > racket." > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jonrms Posted November 8, 2006 Report Share Posted November 8, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fiiish1987 Posted November 8, 2006 Report Share Posted November 8, 2006 There are 2 prawns, one called Johnny and one called Christian. They're happy prawns, playing with their happy prawn friends. One day Johnny decides that he's bored, so he goes to see Cod. "Cod, I'm bored," says Johnny. "Please turn me into a great big shark!" So Cod waves his magic fin and turns Johnny into a shark. Johnny swims off and has a few fun weeks scaring all his little friends. But eventually they work out that this particular shark isn't going to eat them, so they start ignoring him. Johnny gets angry and (disturbed prawn that he is) starts eating them. At last, there is only Christian left, and Johnny wants to play with him. He goes to Christian's rock and says, "Christian, come out and play with me!" "No no no no, you're a big shark, you're going to eat me!" "No, I won't eat you, please come and play with me." "No no no no, you're a great big shark, you're going to eat me!" So Johnny swims off to see Cod. "Cod, I'm bored! All my friends are dead, and Christian won't play with me. Please turn me back into a prawn again." Cod says "OK, I think you've learned your lesson," waves his magic fin and Johnny is a prawn again. He swims off to see Christian. "Come out and play with me," he calls. "No no no, you're a shark, you're going to eat me!" "No, it's OK! I've been visited by Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poacher Posted November 8, 2006 Report Share Posted November 8, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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