I have nicked Bernad Mannigs joke book......

[SNAKEBITE]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an

hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his

drink

and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.

 

'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I

didn't

think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying.'

'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs.

 

'I can't do anything right.' 'I overslept and was late to an important

meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my

car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the

cab

I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.

 

So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my

life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

[SNAKEBITE]

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

 

The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says, In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice.

 

 

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims; Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice.

 

 

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

 

In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice

[SNAKEBITE]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small

village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

 

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day,

mind if I talk to your dog?"

 

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

 

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

 

Dog: "Doin' all right."

 

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

 

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the

villager)

 

Dog: "Yep"

 

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

 

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and

takes me to the lake once a week to play."

 

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

 

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

 

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

 

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

 

Horse: "Cool"

 

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

 

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

 

Horse: "Yep"

 

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

 

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,

brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the

elements."

 

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

 

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

 

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

[SNAKEBITE]

this bloke keeps phoning me day and night .....

singing prince charming prince charming over and over again....

i keep saying i think you've got the wrong number mate

but he says he adamant it's not

[SNAKEBITE]

Police were called to Liverpool airport today after reports of a suspect vehicle.

It had Tyres, Tax and MOT...

[SNAKEBITE]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

 

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

 

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

 

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles i n the other, lifting and moving them around.

 

Then, she takes a close look and say, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

 

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

[berettaman1]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

 

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

 

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

 

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles i n the other, lifting and moving them around.

 

Then, she takes a close look and say, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

 

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

 

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

He He He , Snakebite I salute you!! your jokes are supreme, much better than mine or that juvenile plonker Death from below.!!! Ha Ha Ha.

[JJaxeman]

Very good mate the last one I think was the best

[SNAKEBITE]

What do you mean last one?

They are ALL good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dazza]

enjoyed them all