jt86 Posted September 20, 2004 Report Share Posted September 20, 2004 George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said,"Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" STORY 2! A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor for some tips to stop his nervousness. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T. 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body'. He did not say 'Eat me'. 12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry. 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's :yp: hope you found them remotely amusing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted September 20, 2004 Report Share Posted September 20, 2004 Very good matey LB :yp: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazza Posted September 21, 2004 Report Share Posted September 21, 2004 :yp: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted September 21, 2004 Report Share Posted September 21, 2004 :yp: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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