helpful e mails

[pavman]

My thanks to all those who have sent me those 'helpful' e-mails

this past year . . . . .

 

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about the 'rat

wee in the glue' on envelopes because I now have to use a wet

towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

 

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every tin can I open, for

the same reason.

 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl

(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the

1,387,258th time.

 

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I

receive the £ 15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are

sending me for participating in their special e-mail program ..

 

And of course there's the money from the senior bank clerk in

Nigeria, who wants me to split £ 7million with him, for pretending

to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

 

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels

looking out for me.

 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants . . even though I now

smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

 

Thanks to you all, I have learned that my prayers only get

answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a

wish within five minutes.

 

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola, because it

can remove toilet stains.

 

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch

the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm

filling up.

 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me

with a perfume sample and rob me.

 

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial

a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,

Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

 

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a

big brown African spider is lurking under the seat, to cause me

instant death when it bites my bum.

 

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £ 5.00

I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed

there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

 

So . . . . . to you I say . . .

 

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the

next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your

head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will

infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

 

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend

of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's

cousin's beautician.

 

By the way....a South American scientist, after a lengthy study,

has discovered that people with a low IQ, who have infrequent

sexual activity, always read their e-mails with their hand on the

mouse . . . . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late !

[dusk2dawn]

Bl**dy lunatic

 

Good though.

 

D2D

[Admiral Von Tirpitz]

Very Good, its doing the rounds around the office now and probably country!