FUNNY

[NorfolkBoy]

These may amuse.......

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

 

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up

here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a

727?"

 

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm

f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

 

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your

last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end

of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe

exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the

airport."

 

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing

because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air

Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,

"The dreaded seven-engine approach."

 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard

the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"

 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of

the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern

702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short

of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,

turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

 

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

 

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a

real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have

enough parts for another one."

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it

was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following

exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,

call sign Speedbird 206.

 

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled

onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I

didn't land."

 

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.

 

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to

turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right

there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C

and D, but get it right!"

 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever

to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you

to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,

and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how

I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance

engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

 

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

 

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

--

[SNAKEBITE]

And we put our lives in their hands ....................................

[Axe]

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard

the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war!"

Priceless

[Highlander]

Well we can all see you've not a lot on at work and along the same lines...

 

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour especially Aussie ones.

 

Here are some logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.

S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for!

 

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined

airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

P: Radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

[Ferret Master]

Hi,

 

I heard that one on here a while ago. It doesn't stop being funny though.

 

FM

[Axe]

Certainly made me chuckle Higlander

[SNAKEBITE]

Is it possible to still take boats to go on holiday?

[BountyHunter]

 

I was sitting in the middle of a very quiet, stuffy office snorting like a pig!

 

Excellent.