Great Story

[red_stag88]

I pinched this off another forum:

WARNING..Read at your own Risk..

 

Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw

that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a

great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers

hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put

batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp.

 

I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for

$60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

 

Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter

and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store,

and last night we put the blimp together.

 

Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has

like a 3 ft diameter.

 

We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the

propellers, and put in batteries.

 

Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty

that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising

nor falling.

 

It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made

Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

 

My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the

house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls

were so easy my daughter could fly.

 

Let's face it, blimps are fun.

 

Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left

the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home,

and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

 

At this point it is important to know that my house has central

heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground

floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the

fact that heat rises.

 

The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked

on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central

heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently

through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike

over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and

I lay sleeping peacefully.

 

Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on

invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

 

In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it,

I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly.

 

Let me try again.

 

I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses

suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on

converging on you.

 

That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

 

I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is

a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with

menacing intent through the malignant darkness.

 

Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that

there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the

darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and

listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

 

So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

 

On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large

menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I

opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE

WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

 

Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a

security outfit was paging through a magazine while smoking a cigar

with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my

brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT

SINISTER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled

every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full

decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all

at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to

FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went

from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

 

I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism

and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep

in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock

full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us,

and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know

this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you

from out of the dark.

 

When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits

you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant

sensation.

 

Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable

to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her

dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and leapt out of

bed in my underwear.

 

I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell

over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers

when you punch it with all the strength that a

sudden middle of the night terror produces.

 

It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped

it about the room at terrifying velocity.

 

Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and

hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the

clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

 

Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting

the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't

truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

 

On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged

into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the

reaction I'd had.

 

Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through

the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack

after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which

had somehow survived the incident.

 

I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it

floated around with the air currents released from the vents in

there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to

bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

 

***

 

At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't

aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening,

and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that

she approached.

 

The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and

the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the

blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight

towards her.

 

This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did

I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to

hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

 

I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think

I will.

 

Some blimps are better off dead.

 

 

Move over Col Pol, and all you other post geeks, this guy takes the biscute

[darkassassin]

 

blimps are kool

[neil]

very good

[ollie]

I'm still laughing

[highdowns hunter]

mmmmmmmmmmm

 

Looks like sense of humor is fading The funniest part was spending all that time reading a boring story

[Yorkshire Wildfowler]

Red All that and not one spelling mistake ??

[Yorkshire Wildfowler]

Stag All that and not one spelling mistake ??

sorry Red read it again and found one anybody else spotted it

[TROUT POUT]

takes the biscute

Who makes these???

[red_stag88]

 

Aggh life's to hard

[TROUT POUT]

Don't I know it ****in homework!! :<

 

 

TP

[red_stag88]

Yeah, anyone know how the **** Humulin® is made?

 

All I know is that it is made using recomabant DNA technology...

 

Google - you have failed

[TROUT POUT]

All that comes is that its some kind of insculin Check me spellin der red

[red_stag88]

Done it now, it is made by implanting diced up strands of DNA into a bacterum simply.