lurcherboy Posted March 6, 2006 Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 Life is all about ***!! You are either: covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or living with one. LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted March 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 Sentenced to Death A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Please tie the Scouser to my back." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted March 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like ****." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted March 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 An old man goes to see the doctor. "it's about my bowel movements..." says the old man. "Are they loose?" asks the doctor. "No" says the old man. "Are you constipated then?" asks the doctor. "No" says the old man, "Regular as clockwork, that's me!" he continues. "You can set your watch by it....eight o'clock every morning without fail." "So what's the problem?" asks the doctor. "I don't wake up till nine!" LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted March 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 George awoke and shuffled into the kitchen. George’s wife, Kim, was already up and greeted him with a kiss and a pleasant “good morning”. Kim took a good look at George and said” You know George, you look awful, really awful- you alright?” George replied “I feel fine dear.” Off to work George went. Throughout the day George continued to receive the same comments and concern from his fellow co-workers. “You look awful George- you alright?”. George replied that he felt fine. George’s boss took him aside mid-day and told George to go to the Doctor to get checked out. So, off the doctor George went. “So George, what seems to be the problem” the doctor inquired. “Well doc, it’s like this. All day people have told me I look awful and need to get checked out. The odd thing is Doc, I feel fine. What do you think?” The Doctor pulled out a huge book from his bookshelf, placed it on the table and opened it up. The doctor poured through the pages until he came to one section. “Ah, here it is George. Hmmm, looks awful, feels fine… feels fine, looks awful. George, you’re a ****!”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnskevena Posted March 6, 2006 Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 No more please LB.I have a pain in my side from laughing at the bloody things :yp: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted March 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 I censored myself John as the 'blue' ones would make you wet yourself :yp: LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted March 6, 2006 Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 Loved the first one LB :yp: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted March 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 Loved the first one LB I think that was written about me Axe :yp: LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deadeye ive Posted March 6, 2006 Report Share Posted March 6, 2006 :yp: Yes lb .............the first one was very good Ive Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bindi Posted March 7, 2006 Report Share Posted March 7, 2006 :yp: all good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Piebob Posted March 7, 2006 Report Share Posted March 7, 2006 :*) DOn't get the last one :*) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bindi Posted March 7, 2006 Report Share Posted March 7, 2006 (edited) looks like last word's been edited!!! Edited March 7, 2006 by bindi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Browning GTS Posted March 7, 2006 Report Share Posted March 7, 2006 The man of the house. The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the > Man of Your House. > He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. > > Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, you need to > know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will > prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, > you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go > upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After > that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my > back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet > and hand. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb > my hair?" > > The wife replied, "The ****in' funeral director would be my guess." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigdev Posted March 7, 2006 Report Share Posted March 7, 2006 :yp: Good one LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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