Friday's Joke

[jonno 357]

Hopfully not too offensive. :o As we can laugh adversity in the face

 

Two asain women walking down the street wearing rucksacks

 

One women turns to the other and says~

 

"Does my bomb look big in this?"

 

Jonno :o

[the last engineer]

only in England boys :o :o

[Browning GTS]

OR

dare you to try this one

>

>Enter Pakistan illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas,

>international law, or any of that nonsense.

>

>Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for

>you and your entire family.

>

>Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.

>

>Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.

>

>Procreate abundantly.

>

>Deflect any criticism of this irresponsible reproductive behavior with,

>"It is a cultural British thing. You wouldn't understand, pal."

>

>Keep your British identity strong. Fly the Union Flag from your rooftop, or

>

>proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.

>

>Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do

>likewise.

>

>Demand classes on English culture in their school system.

>

>Demand that churches be built in every town.

>

>Demand a local Pakistani driving license. This will afford other legal

>rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence

>in

>

>Pakistan.

>

>Insist that local Pakistani law enforcement teach English to all its

>officers.

>

>Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time .... or soon be dead,

>because it will never happen. It will not happen in Pakistan or any other

>country in the world except right here in the Great Britain. Land of the

>naive!

>

>If you agree, pass it on.

>

>If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Pakistan :o :o

[lurcherboy]

I disagree.

 

We have been taking in immigrants for centuries.

 

These are the people that built this country from the 50's onwards after the war decimated our infrastructure. They also do the jobs we dont to because of low pay or menial work.

 

I know there are scum that know how to play the system, but they are in a minority, and we all know it. I am sure you all know someone who claims the dole and works!

 

I have no problem with an immigrant who comes to the UK with nothing, and then, through hard work and perseverence, ends up a multi-millionaire employing us, then good.

 

Boarding houses use to display signs that said 'no dogs, no blacks, no irish'

 

 

 

LB

[the last engineer]

I have no problem with an immigrant who comes to the UK with nothing, and then, through hard work and perseverence, ends up a multi-millionaire employing us, then good

.

 

 

:o :o LB im that way too,as you know im "over here, over here"

 

 

always did feel like a black irish dog myself anyway

 

 

by the way Charlie ,where the hell is ---> Cloughprior <----- anyway .??

 

 

Martin

[Pike]

Good one Jonno! :o :o

[lurcherboy]

I have no problem with an immigrant who comes to the UK with nothing, and then, through hard work and perseverence, ends up a multi-millionaire employing us, then good

.

 

 

:o LB im that way too,as you know im "over here, over here"

 

 

always did feel like a black irish dog myself anyway

 

 

by the way Charlie ,where the hell is ---> Cloughprior <----- anyway .??

 

 

Martin

Cloughprior :yp:??B)?????/

 

You had better explain that to me Martin as I had a good night and am suffering like hell now :o :(

 

 

LB

[bobt]

A car battery, a jumper cable and a bra walk into a pub. The bra asks the barman for 3 pints of beer.

The barman says “No way am I serving any alcohol to you three”.

“Why not?” asks the bra.

“Because you’re off your tits, and your friends look like they wanna start something!”

[bobt]

Did you hear about the short sighted circumsiser?

 

 

He got the sack

[bobt]

Letters to an Agony Uncle .....

 

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

 

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

 

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

 

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

 

 

 

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

 

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

 

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

 

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

 

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

 

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

 

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

 

A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[Browning GTS]

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.

 

 

One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing.

 

 

At the same time the priest heard rumors of cock fights being held in town.

 

 

Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass.

 

 

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up.

 

 

"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean.Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up.

 

 

"Oh, no," he said."That's not what I mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?"Half the women stood up.

 

 

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

[Browning GTS]

John and Mary, both elderly residents at a retirement home, began to get

pretty friendly and enjoyed each other's company.

 

After about three weeks of getting to know each other, John said: "I know we

are both old and can't do much sexually any more, but if I pulled out my

penis, would you hold it?"

 

Mary didn't see anything wrong with that, so she agreed.

 

Every day for the next month the couple would sit outside in the park by the

lake and Mary would hold John's penis.

 

One day John didn't show up at their regular meeting place. Mary became

concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore Mary spotted

John sitting on a bench with another woman beside him.

 

She quickly walked up to the bench, only to find the old man's penis in the

other woman's hand.

 

This upset her very much and she yelled at John: "We've been together for

two months now. I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you

here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"

 

A slight smile curled on John's face as he replied: "Parkinson's."

[bobt]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

 

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

 

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, like

doggies, every position imaginable!"

 

Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky plonker. Was she pretty?"

 

 

"Dunno... never found the head!"

[bobt]

a priest is trapped in the middle of a flood on a rooftop and its about to get washed away and he`ll drown.

The preist prays for intervention from god and knows god will save him.

He cries, "god, please save me. I have so much work to do"

a rescue boat comes along and the priest refuses to get in, he says "don`t worry about me, god will save me"

so the boats ******* off to save someone else.

a helicopter comes along and the priest refuses to get winched up saying "don`t worry about me, god will save me"

so the helicopter ******* off to save someone else.

suddenly the roof collapses and the priest gets washed away yelling "god, please save me. I have so much work to do"

anyway he dies and he stands before god asking why he wasn`t saved and god says,

"are you bloody thick, I sent you a boat and a helicopter, what more do you bloody want?"

[bobt]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man

was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was

a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

 

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your

stuff."

 

Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and

promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

 

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat

and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

 

Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen

cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

 

Everyone agreed that was good.

 

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and

said, "Measure, do your stuff."

 

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,

got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces

without spilling a drop.

 

Everyone agreed that was good.

 

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What

can your cat do?".

 

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do

your stuff."

 

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,

crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he

injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe

working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home

for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[Browning GTS]

"Order the signal, Hardy."

 

"Aye, aye sir."

 

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

 

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"

 

 

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

 

 

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

 

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

 

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

 

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on workplace drinking."

 

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."

 

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

 

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.

 

We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

 

"That won't be possible, sir."

 

"Why not?"

 

"Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

 

 

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

 

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the main deck Admiral."

 

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

 

"Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

 

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing

 

the disability card."

 

"Actually, sir, you did."

 

"The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment

and limb deficiency."

 

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

 

"A couple of problems there too, sir."

 

"Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

 

 

"I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

 

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 

"What? Is this mutiny."

 

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like Hawks."

 

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

 

"Actually, sir, we're not."

 

"We're not?"

 

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 

 

"But you must hate a Frenchman as much as you hate the devil."

 

"I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary charge."

 

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

 

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

 

"Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, s*d*my and the lash?"

 

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

 

"What about s*d*my?"

 

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

 

"In that case . . . . . . .Kiss me, Hardy

Edited July 30, 2005 by Browning GTS

[bobt]

Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration.

 

The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."

 

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

 

The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

 

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

 

The Officer said, "Go ahead."

 

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and

say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

 

Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.

[bobt]

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

 

"Where's Tony Blair's?" asked the man.

"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Browning GTS]

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They

will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

J B Cartland, Brighton.

 

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker

"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be

dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.

J. T., Thropton.

 

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your

chin into a bowl of iron filings.

B Villbens, Birmingham.

 

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by

drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange

place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously

"erased."

Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.

 

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to

guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble

dispenser at ****tail parties.

L Traintu, Clarkesville.

 

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.

It gives any ****tail a bit of "oomph."

James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.

 

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding

under the covers.

Charles Holley, Newcastle.

 

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an

empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.

Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.

 

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each

pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and

receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

P.Turner, Liverpool L17.

 

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking

them to wrap it.

D. Treloar, Wandsworth.

 

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an

ideal "car" for snakes.

G. Dorson, Skipton.

 

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and

grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Phil Wasey, Liverpool.

 

Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film

and press them into your eyes.

D. Stokes, Middlesex.

 

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

P.J. Ruddock, London.

 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply

changing your name to match your existing plate.

Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

 

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about

4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat

tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.

Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to

the object you wish to view.

S Goldhanger, Fulchester.

 

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa

anytime by just turning on the tap.

Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.

 

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully

refreshed and on time.

Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.

 

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever

you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two

plastic buckets.

D. Griffiths, Kent.

 

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and

talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,

or set fire to someone else's house.

Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.

 

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the

tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have

sex without waking her up.

Frank Wilson, Southend.

 

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're

****e at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra

girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.

Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.

 

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,

because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-

arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

D Thresher, Wapping.

 

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen

chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in

every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of

the escaping gas.

N. Burke, Manchester.

 

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we

smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in

such emergencies.

Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic.

D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case

a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up

the road.

D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.

 

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle

East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British

Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a

few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any

planes home.

S Goblin, Middlesex.

 

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your

head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide

out.

Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.

 

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,

instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid *******s.

M Burridge, Newcastle.

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

P Raker, Chatham.

 

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and

attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be

worn around the neck.

B Morgan, Criccieth.

 

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and

slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

D Duckham, Didford.

 

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative

to sun-bed treatments.

Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.

 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating

cakes again.

P Loft, Gateshead.

 

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.

The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have

completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Mike Grey, Essex.

 

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by

steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.

T.C. Jackson, York.

 

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply

gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.

 

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!

Toffee.

A. Sharp, Birmingham.

 

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by

making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each

temple.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

 

Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a

few **** mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and

easier to smuggle into the toilet.

Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.

 

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal

coat hanger in an emergency.

Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

 

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,

imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your

intended destination in the first place.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

 

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse

neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player

during a powercut.

Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.

 

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you

on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the

blame.

Bastien Phelp, Bath.

 

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over

any that you catch in the act.

W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.

 

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe

and a cricket ball.

I. K. Brunel, Bristol.

 

Always **** into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn

back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.

C. Custer, Little Bighorn.

 

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with

a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off

the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic

and dangerous landings.

Neil Davis, e-mail.

 

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding

irons.

J.T. Thropton.

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

inexpensive vibrator.

Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.

 

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The

Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their

holes.

J.T. Thropton.

 

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down

the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in

your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.

[Browning GTS]

bus stop

 

Just move your mouse

 

 

http://isfunsoft.myrice.com/swf/peeping.swf

Edited July 30, 2005 by Browning GTS

[Hammergun]

Down at the old folk's home, Gertie decides to liven things up a bit by running through the building stark naked.

 

Bert: Wasn't that Gertie? What was that she was wearing?

Walter: Dunno, but it sure could do with ironing!

[Browning GTS]

> Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing

 

> > home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on

 

> > the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of

 

> > a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males

> > actually joined in. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when

 

> > a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm

> > outstretched. "STOP!", he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a

> > license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and

> > pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said,

> > and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the

> > TV lounge on one wheel, Sailor Sam popped out in front of her and

> > shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her

 

> > handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Sam

> > nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am." As Ethel neared the final

> > corridor before the front door, Horny Harold stepped out in front of

 

> > her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh,

> > Good grief," said Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again!"

[The Big Red Fox]

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when your calling for a cab.

 

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

 

"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

 

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

 

She says,

 

"Sir, that sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

[bobt]

A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break it into the big

time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single

record company in the country, and no one seems to recognize his

unique genius other than his Mum.So he decides to top himself, and

dreams up an ingenious plan to get back at all the institutions

who've rejected him all his life.He goes into a recording studio and

tells the engineer to record exactly what he says, and then copy it

onto 1000 CDs, and send them out to all the record execs in the

country.

He goes into the vocal booth, the red light goes on, and he

begins,"This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless ********

who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing

beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you ******* do is

bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well,

I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU

who've driven me to it!! Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!"

With that, he pulls out a gun and sprays his brains all over the

studio wall. The sound engineer glances up and says, "Yep...okay -

that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"

[bobt]

Two young guys were at a party in the woods when all of a sudden there was a downpour of thunder and rain. The two ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

 

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "Eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"

 

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want?"

 

The old man softly replied, "You have any tobacco?"

 

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!" "Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So the passenger fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette, rolling up the window in terror and yells, "Step on it!!!".

 

Now, the effects of the beer kicks in, they calm down and they start laughing again. The passenger says, "What did you think of that?" The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast?"

 

All of a sudden, AGAIN there is a knock on the window and the old man is looking in the window. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! There he is again!", the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. The passenger rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?"

 

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

 

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him, rolls up the window and again yells, "STEP ON IT!" The engine is roaring and the guys are shaking their heads, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard.

 

Suddenly, again there is more knocking! "HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

 

 

 

The old man gently replies..........

 

 

 

"You want some help getting out of the mud?"