Friday's Joke

[Browning GTS]

The truth is out...

 

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night

drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try,

you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your

house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

 

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to

the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a

large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the

following fashion:-

 

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring

gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many

sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer

Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their

bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a

large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

This answers the second question after a night out, 'How did I spend so

much money?'

 

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought

to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking

Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your

head. An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of

time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals

dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers

a third question after a night out "What the hell happened?"

 

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of

Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in

descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one

person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often

lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent

studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's

navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong

bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

 

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from

other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These

boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe

up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special

anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house

and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the

bruised shins.

 

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the

TA (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can

apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

 

P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably

get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures,

wearing just a T-shirt.

[Browning GTS]

Try this after a few beers !

 

 

 

 

http://www.wagenschenke.ch

[Browning GTS]

Ding Ding

>

>So this guy's tired of life and fed up with not getting sex, so he goes to

>join the monastery. But there's a recruitment test.

>

>As the Abbott explains to the ten potential recruits, "My sons, we must be

>sure that you won't be troubled by sexual impulses if join the order. So we

>have a test for all our prospective members. Take your clothes off, sit on

>the bench, and attach this bell to the end of your penis. When the naked

>woman comes into the room, any man whose bell rings will have failed the

>test. He won't be allowed to join our order, and must leave at once, for he

>will be sorely troubled with sexual thoughts while he is in our midst."

>

>So the men, young and old alike, sit on the bench with a little bell tied

>to the end of their cocks, waiting expectantly. Then the most beautiful

>young blonde with big tits waltzes into the room and starts walking slowly

>down the line, teasing the men as she goes. Not a sound. Not a single

>erection, not a single bell rings. Until she gets to the end of the line

>and pushes her **** into the man's face.

>

>Well, it's all too much for him - his cock shoots up, the bell rings

>furiously and goes flying off across the room with the force of his

>erection.

>

>"I'm sorry," he mumbles, confused and embarrassed, "I'll just pick it up

>and leave."

>

>So he bends down, naked **** upwards, balls dangling, and from behind him

>comes the tinkling of nine little bells....

[bobt]

A depressed young Paisley woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Clyde. When she went down the docks,a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.

 

"Look, you've got a lot to live for", he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day". Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?

 

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.

 

Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "He's taking me to America, and he's feeding me".

 

"What are you doing for him?" said the captain.

 

"He's screwing me" said the girl.

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Govan ferry".

[bobt]

And here's a story (Some of which is actually true) of which the ending

is something I have often wanted to say:

 

"Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

[instant voice-recognition: I know it's a particularly ditzy blonde

French

professor with whom I have had prior dealings.]

"What sort of trouble, Dr. B?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words

went

away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]

"Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I

type."

[Ah--at least she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware

problem.

I wonder if she's kicked out her monitor's power plug.]

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

have

a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

cord

goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling]

[muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into

the

wall."

[pause]

"Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt she would have accidentally

turned

it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the power switch

because

I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's bound to have more

than

one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two

cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the

other

cable."

[rustle rustle]

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of

your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because

it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is

coming

in from

the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A p--!"

[ARGH!]

 

"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still

have the

boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it

was

when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO ******* STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!"

[slam]

[bobt]

My favourite one was the time someone complained that their system

wouldn't work. I investigated and found that the system-unit, the

monitor and modem were all plugged into one of these four-way

trailing power-strips under the desk.

 

So far so good - except the fourth outlet on the strip also had

something plugged into it.

 

It was the power-plug for the 4-way outlet-strip!

 

Me? I'm the one with an uninterruptable power-supply feeding the

coffee-percolator

[bobt]

A Chavette single mother goes to claim her benefits and tells the council worker she's six sons, all called Kev.

 

"Doesn't that get confusing?" asks the official.

 

"Nah, it's great", says the Chavette."If I wanna call em down to dinner, I just yell Kev and they all come runnin at once."

 

"But what do you do if you want only one of them?" asks the bemused official.

 

"Thats easy, innit?" replies the Chavette. "I just call 'em by their surnames."

[Browning GTS]

Old Girlfriend

>

>I was in a queue at the Super market when I noticed the rather dishy blonde

>behind me raised her hand and smiled hello to me.

>

>I was rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to me, and

>although her face was familiar I couldn't quite place where I might know

>her from, so I said "Sorry, do you know me?"

>

>She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one

>of my children!"

>

>My mind shot back to many years ago, "Christ!" I said "are you that

>stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of

>all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and put a

>cucumber up my ****?"

>

>"No" she replied, "I'm your daughter's English Teacher "

 

:( B)

[bobt]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is

absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his

new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

 

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and

shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

 

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's

varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale

and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

 

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps

up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

 

A bit ****** off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,

dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B

flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild

with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

 

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play

a jazz chord". Well and truly ****** off that this little guy doesn't

seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the

stage "OK smart ***. You get up here and do it!"

 

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike

and starts to sing.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[bobt]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the **** table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

 

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

 

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

 

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers

stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

 

 

Moral -

 

Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[bobt]

The New Recruit had arrived at the entrance, and was met by St Peter.

 

"Hello mate! There's a rule up here that when you first enter you have to undergo a challenge. Only then can you go thru the pearly gates". St Peter was a nice sort of bloke who explained things real well.

 

"Oh. Okay, what challenge do I have to take then?"

 

St Peter replied "well the best way is to show you some that are going on right now, follow me....".

 

They set off down a corridor and come to a cell where they look thru some bars. In there is a guy who is being whipped to within an inch of his death - huge wheals on his back where the whip bites.

 

"Err, no thanks" says the new recruit.

 

They pass on to the 2nd cell. Here there is a guy stretched out on a big medieval table having his body stretched by a big hombre turning a crank wheel. The guy is screaming in pain.

 

"No, I don't think so" says the new recruit, suddenly getting the idea that maybe this place isn't so nice after all.

 

So they pass on to the 3rd cell. In there is a guy who is manacled to a bed, and he is screaming in agony. There's a drop-dead gorgeous blonde giving him the biggest **** job imaginable. So maybe it isn't agony that the guy is screaming with.....

 

"That'll do me! I'll take that challenge" says the new recruit.

 

With that St Peter unlocks the cell and walks in. He taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can leave now, you've been relieved".

[bobt]

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and

approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

 

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says

we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

 

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the

first stone."

 

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and

knocked the woman on the side of her head.

 

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point

here!"

[bobt]

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car

accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates

waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they

begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When

St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This

is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

 

The couple sat and waited for an answer...

 

...for a couple of months.

 

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to

get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with

the eternal aspect of it all.

 

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered,

"Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

 

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,

looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,

"you CAN get married in Heaven."

 

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if

things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

 

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to

find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take

me to find a lawyer?

[BTMS]

Beckam goes into see his shrink and says evry time I look into the mirror I get horny

 

Shrink says "no wonder you look a right ****"

 

Sorry if too rude

 

Brian

[bobt]

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.

 

Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat.

 

It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it.

 

He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

 

The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story".

 

The tourist gives the man $12 and says, I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

 

As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing.

 

He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

 

Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

 

The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

 

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Lawyer, a bronze Muslim cleric & anything French."

[apbuild]

A man and woman are standing staring at a picture in an art gallery. The picture depicts three black men sitting naked on a bench.

 

the two men on the outside have black todgers, and the one in the middle has a pink one.

 

The Gallery Curator notices their apparent difficulty in translating the meaning of the picture, so he ambles over and says, 'I think this picture is supposed to portray the oppression and ridicule that the coloured man has suffered for a long time about the size and colour of his manhood'. He then waltzes off.

 

A man in the gallery overhears this and says to the couple, 'He talks a load of nonsense doesn't he'?

 

'How would you know?' asks the woman.

 

'Because I painted the picture!' Replies the man.

 

'So what does it represent?' Enquires the woman.

 

'Well, the picture is of three miners sitting on a bench and the one in the middle had been home for his lunch!'

[ChrisNicholls]

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin. (Wossat, then?)

 

She's not married or nuffink but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

 

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like; "Oo you lookin' at?".

Gabriel just goes; "You got one up the duff, you 'av". Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large. "Stop dissin' me, yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!"

 

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Bacardi Breezers an' that. She's like; "orright, Mary, I can proper feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. What with the extra benefits an' that." Mary goes: "Yeah, s'pose you're right."

 

Anyway, there's the census, y'knaaa? Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to twock a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that.

 

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee, an'

that.

 

But there ain't no room in the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

 

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads. They're like "Respect, bay-bee Jesus", an' say they're wise men from the East End.

 

Joe goes: "If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' with this Frankenstein an myrrh?

Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas, an' Burberry?

 

It's all abaht to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like: "The police is coming an'

they're killing all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt."

 

Joe goes: "You must be monged if you think i'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey."

 

Gabriel sez: "Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look-aht if you stay."

 

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killing the first-born an' its safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into lager.

[BTMS]

Definition of Welsh rare bit

 

 

CARDIFF VIRGIN

 

Rastus and Mary Ellen making love on the railway line....

 

Train driver spots them toots his whistle (Whoo Whoo) (great sound effects)

 

Rastus and Mary Ellen dont move

 

The Train driver slams on his brakes...................

 

Shouts to Rastus...........

 

"Rastus why you no get of the railway line???

 

 

 

 

 

 

WELL AS A COMING USE A COMING AN SHES A COMING BUT USE DA ONLY ONE WITHE THE BRAKES!!!

 

 

Brian

 

PS How do you keep an idiot in suspense

 

Tell them you will tell them tomorrow (sorry)

 

 

Definition of 2 Scottish Poofs Ben Doon and Phil MacCrakin

 

Definition of 2 Irish Poofs Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick

 

Definition of a glass Bra Smash and grab

 

Definition of a tin Bra condensed milk

 

Defintion of a prehistoric Bra Over shoulder bolder holster

 

 

Been on the sausce since lunch time sorry (hic)

[Browning GTS]

Three men were sitting together bragging how they had given their new wives

housework duties.

 

The first man had married a woman from Albania. He bragged that he had told

his wife she was to do all the washing up, laundry, dusting and

cleaning in the house. He said that this would take a couple of days. On

the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed

and put

away, the laundry too had been done.

 

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given

his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, washing up and

the cooking. He told them that the first day he did not see any results,

but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the

dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man married a girl from Britain. He boasted that he told his wife

that her duties were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the

lawn mowed, the laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said that on the first day he did not see anything, the second day

he still did not see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had

gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

[Browning GTS]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other

and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off

before l get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and

coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I

sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the

toilet and

pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I then ease carefully into bed

well away from my wife but she STILL wakes up and YELLS at me for staying

out so late.

 

"His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong

approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,

pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in

the closet, undress in the bedroom, jump into bed, slap her on the ***,

breathe out over her through my mouth while saying, WHO'S A HORNY GIRL

THEN?!!!"

And guess what! She acts like she's sound asleep! Works Every Time!!!

[Browning GTS]

Jogging PM

>

>Tony Blair started jogging near his new home in Westminister, but on each

>run, he happened to jog past a prostitute standing on the same street

>corner, day after day.

>With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what

>was most certainly to follow.

>

>"Fifty quid!" she would shout from the curb.

>

>"No. Five quid!" fired back Blair.

>

>This ritual between Tony and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and

>she'd yell, "Fifty quid!" And he'd yell back, "Five quid!"

>

>One day however, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on

>his jog.

>As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Tony realized

>the "pro" would bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really

>been doing on all his past outings.

>He realized he should have a dam good explanation ready.

>

>As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony

>became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the

>hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair

>jog past. Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

>"See what you get for five quid."

[the last engineer]

for the underated males on the forum .

 

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

 

WOMEN'S REVENGE

 

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished

to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a

television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

 

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

 

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto

your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of

a spider.

 

 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

 

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and

his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that

husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man,

"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's

Pillsbury, isn't it?

 

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them

wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked

sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid

and so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me

stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

 

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving

Each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the

next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early

morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote

on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he

knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and

he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his

wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.