BTMS Posted January 9, 2006 Report Share Posted January 9, 2006 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >>SIX AFFAIRS >> >>The First Affair >> >>A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, >>their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where >>they made passionate love all afternoon. >> >>Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around >>8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take >>his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. >>Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and >>drove home. >> >>"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. >> >>"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an af!fear with my >>secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep >>and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." >> >>The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying plonker! >>You've been playing golf!" >> >> >>+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-= The Second Affair >> >>There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful >>teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the >>son they always wanted. >> >>After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure >>enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful >>father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look >>and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He >>went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the >>father of that child. >> >>"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her >>a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" >> >>The wife just sm! iled sweetly and said, "Not this time! >> >> >>+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ The Thi rd Affair >> >>A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine >>the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. >>As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be >>cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest >>private part he had ever seen!! >> >>"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send >>you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like >>this. It has to be saved for posterity." >> >>With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's >>member. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home The >>first person he showed it to was his wife. >> >>"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and >>opened up his briefcase. >> >>"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead! >> >> >>+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ The Fourth Affair >> >>A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband >>opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in! the corner." >>Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him >>with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she >>whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." >> >>"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. >> >>"Oh it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought >>one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." >>No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to >>sleep. >> >>Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the >>kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of >>milk. >> >>"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an >>idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much >>as a glass of water." >> >> >>+-+-+-+-+-+-+The Fifth Affair >> >>A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and >>asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." >> >>"One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So t! he man glances over at the >>menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T -bone steak, with >>chips, peas and a fried egg?" >> >>"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real >>money." >> >>"How much money?" inquires the man. >> >>"4 cents," the bartender replied. >> >>"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this >>place?" >> >>The bartender! replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." >> >>The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" >> >>The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his >>business." >> >> >>+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ The Sixth Affair >> >>Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight >>vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down >>her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and >>his pale lips began to move slightly. >> >>"Becky my darling," he whispered. >> >>"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." >> >>He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have >>something that I must confess." >> >>"There's nothing to! confess," replied the weeping Becky, >>everything's all right, go to sleep." >> >>"No, no I must die in peace, Becky I slept with your sister, your >>best friend, her best friend and your mother!" >> >>"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kip270 Posted January 9, 2006 Report Share Posted January 9, 2006 Two friends are having a round of golf, John lives not far from the 18th. On the third hole John says "i'm sure my wife is having an affair!!" "are you sure" replies jack, "positive" says John. "Well if you want i can sort it out for you, but it will cost you a £1000." "A grand!! What do you have in mind??" "Well i am a Hit man and it will cost you a grand a shot, so you tell me where you want to put the bullet and it will be done." They continued round the course, John deep in thought. "Ok, i will give you two grand. First i want you to shoot off his d***k, so he won't do this again, then i want you to shoot her in the mouth so she can't moan at me any more" "Ok says Jack two grand and it will be done." They get to the 18th, and John points out his house. Jack go's to his Golf bag and unzips the side and takes out his take down rifle. They go into the bushes and Jack puts his rifle together, put's on the high power scope, and scans the house. Looking upstairs he spots John's wife with another man. He settles down to take his shot. "Are you sure you want me to do this" John replies "Oh yes, teach them both a lesson" "Well i have some good news for you" "What do you mean" "Well i can save you a Grand" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 9, 2006 Report Share Posted January 9, 2006 A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?" "Your horse called." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted January 10, 2006 Report Share Posted January 10, 2006 :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanber1088 Posted January 11, 2006 Report Share Posted January 11, 2006 Good stuff lads keep them coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 11, 2006 Report Share Posted January 11, 2006 A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel and lets get the hell out of here!" LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigmick Posted January 11, 2006 Report Share Posted January 11, 2006 B) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 11, 2006 Report Share Posted January 11, 2006 Dedicated to Herny_D "Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teal Posted January 11, 2006 Report Share Posted January 11, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted January 11, 2006 Report Share Posted January 11, 2006 Very good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teal Posted January 12, 2006 Report Share Posted January 12, 2006 Handy tips for everyday! Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view. Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ******* thing in the first place you fat plonker. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute, etc.tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof. Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one. A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep. Fool the neighbour next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair. At supermarket checkouts, a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers. Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he s interested in is seeing you starkers. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket. DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey offensive Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted January 12, 2006 Report Share Posted January 12, 2006 Nice one it had me chuckling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemini Posted January 12, 2006 Report Share Posted January 12, 2006 Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun." So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "alright chuck". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to..." "I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine. Half an hour later, the results are absolutely mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?" Sean replies, "No, not at all Shilla, but the lasht time I shlept with a scouser, the bitcsh shtole ma wallet G.M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nildes Posted January 12, 2006 Report Share Posted January 12, 2006 Learn Pidgin Chinese in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud) 1) That's not right.................................................... Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harbouring a fugitive............................. Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP....................................................... Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man................................... . Dum **** 5) Small Horse......................................................... Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach......................................... Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table....................................... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni 8) I think you need a face lift..................................... Chin Tu Fat 9) It's Very dark in here.............................................. Wai So Dim 10) I Thought you were on a diet............................... Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone....................................... No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week............. Wai Yu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight.............................................. Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile . ............................Wa Shing Ka 15)Your body odor is offensive................................ Yu Stin Ki Pu 16) Great..................................................................... Fa Kin Su Pah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
govshot Posted January 14, 2006 Report Share Posted January 14, 2006 So...a woman was in hospital having been in a coma for several months. The husband used to visit regularly and normally sit quietly by the bedside. As he was sat there one day the nurse came in and said that she needed to do a bedbath and would the husband mind stepping outside for a few minutes. While the nurse was washing the women's genitalia she noticed a small fluttering of the eyelids. On repeating the action she saw the same thing again. When she had finished the bedbath she went outside and told the husband what had happened. "I think a bit of oral sex might help" she said. "this might get a reaction from your wife and help the healing process". "Do you really think so" said the man, a bit surprised. "Certainly" said the nurse. "In you go and I'll be right outside keeping watch on the monitors. :thumbs: So the husband went inside and closed the door. About five minutes later the monitors started to flatline and beep madly. The nurse rushed in to the room to see the husband pulling up his pants. "I think she choked" he said... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PTaylor2k4 Posted January 14, 2006 Report Share Posted January 14, 2006 Ok so this guy has a 30 inch Penis and it's just too big! he needs some help. He goes to the doctor and the doctor says "listen, you have two options, one we can shear it off, two you can go into the magical forest and find the magical frog and ask it to kiss you, every time it says no you lose 5 inches. So the guy decides to find this magic forest and find the magic frog. After weeks of searching he finally comes across it. He asks, "Froggy can i kiss you?" Froggy says "no." The guy loses 5 inches off his penis, but it's still too big so he asks again "froggy can i kiss you?" Froggy says "No." Again loses 5 inches down to 20 but still too big so he asks again. "Froggy can i kiss you?" Froggy says "NO!" Down to 15 inches, guy figures one more time and it will be perfect 10 inches ain't bad, so he asks "Froggy can i kiss you?" Froggy says " no! No! NO!" :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
govshot Posted January 14, 2006 Report Share Posted January 14, 2006 A guy walks into a bar and up to the big blowsy blonde landlady and says "I'd like a pint of bitter please and I want to pour chocolate all over your breasts and lick it off" "You filthy swine" she said. "Go and sit in the corner and if you make any more lewd suggestions I'll tell my husband who will come downstairs and sort you out." When he finished his pint he walked up to the bar again and said "Another pint of bitter and I'd like to tip you upside down, fill your fanny full of guinness and drink it." "Right" she said, "Thats done it.". She rushed up stairs and into the sitting room where her 6'6" muscular hairy armed husband was slobbed out in front of the TV. "Do you know what has happened" she said. "A bloke came into the bar and said that he wanted to pour chocolate all over my breasts and lick it off". "Oh did he?" said hairy gorilla man, "I'll go downstairs and sort him out." "And that's not all" she said. " He also said that he'd like to tip me upside down, fill my fanny full of guinness and drink it". "Oh Christ" said the husband, "I'm not going down there. I am not mixing it with anyone who can drink 12 pints of guinness..." :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash Posted January 14, 2006 Report Share Posted January 14, 2006 this couple live in a **** little house and have seven kids and only just managing, they dont want to have more kids, they cant have a vesectamy and dont bother with condoms or other forms of contraception(cant afford them) so they went to the doctors to see what they could do and the doctor told the bloke he had a really cheap way for a vesectamy. and the man said carry on so the doctor told him to buy a really big banger(firework) put it in a beer can and count to ten and it will all be sorted. so the guy went home bought a banger and put it in a beer can and started to count to ten, first five on the left hand them when he reached five he put the can between his legs so he could use the other five fingers. so when he reached ten the can exploded and took his naggers off. and there you have it a cheap castration flash Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fiascoshooter Posted January 14, 2006 Report Share Posted January 14, 2006 a young farm lad who liked his beer and women went to a different pub from his usual. serving at the bar was a buxom wench. as the beer went down the barmaid got lovlier. now three sheets to the wind the farm lad decided to ask to see her home to which she readily agreed. walking down a narrow lane the beer began to pressure his bladder so he asked to be excused and relieved himself. the barmaid had also partaken of the amber nectar and went behind the hedge. our hero was now feeling bold and crept up behind her and touched her rear which was white in the darkness . "oh you are a one " she said with a giggle. now, even bolder, farm lad touched something long ,soft and warm. "bloody h**l " he said out loud ,"i've picked up a drag artist". "no, " she said ," i be having a **** " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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