plinker Posted February 3, 2006 Report Share Posted February 3, 2006 (edited) a lady who used to work in red light districts had found a hansome chap who did not have any knowledge about her former occupation. the gentleman asked the lady to marry him and she agreed. anyway cut to the chase, on the wedding night the gentleman was about to 'enter' the lady when she worried that she might be a bit on the slack side said (trying to thing of a plausable excuse)'when i was younger i was climbing over a gate to take a short cut across the farm and i got my private bits caught on a nail that was sticking up, i think it may of stretched me a tiny bit' one hour later after going at it hammer and tong and for not much result the bloke says just how far across that field were you before you noticed you were caught on the nail :thumbs: plinker Edited February 3, 2006 by plinker Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Browning GTS Posted February 3, 2006 Report Share Posted February 3, 2006 If anyone can read this and not laugh, you need help! >> A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. >> >> Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was >> washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on >> the monitor when she touched her. >> >> They tried it again and sure enough, there was a small, recognisable >> movement. >> >> They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As >> crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and >> bring her out of the coma." >> >> The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close >> the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his >> wife's room. >> >> After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart >> rate. >> >> The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. >> >> The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked". >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 ROTFFLMFAO Best joke on here for years Nice one geezer, but now you is ******, how can you top it? Ah well, at least it weren't me LB :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Browning GTS Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 DATING RITUALS >> >> WHITE WOMEN >> >> First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. >> Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. >> Third date: You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position. >> >> >> BRITISH WOMEN >> >> First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. >> Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. >> 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. >> >> ITALIAN WOMEN >> >> First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. >> Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and >> meatballs. >> Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat >> ring. >> 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of >> having sex. >> 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. >> >> >> JEWISH WOMEN >> >> First Date: You get dynamite head. >> Second Date: You get more great head. >> Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. >> >> CHINESE WOMEN >> >> First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens. >> Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens >> again. >> Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized >> nothing is going to happen. >> >> INDIAN WOMEN >> >> First date: Meet her parents. >> Second date: Set the date of the wedding. >> Third date: Wedding night. >> >> BLACK WOMEN >> >> First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. >> Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive >> dinner. >> Third Date: You get to pay her rent. >> Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. >> >> MEXICAN WOMEN >> >> First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and >> have >> sex in the back of her car. >> Second Date: She's pregnant. >> Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his >> girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, >> her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend >> and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of >> your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home >> along the Rio Grande. >> >> The POINT? >> >> A >> >> DON'T YOU JUST LOVE BRITISH WOMEN? >> >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilbe2 Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck." So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe." So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see." So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neilbe2 Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 i know.....its **** aint it? :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronttuk Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 (edited) Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, > steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" :thumbs: Broken Coffee Table £39.99 Hot Breakfast £4.20 Two Aspirins 38p Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless Edited February 4, 2006 by ronttuk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronttuk Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 The Honeymoon A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week. The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronttuk Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud) 1) That's not right………………………….Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harbouring a fugitive…………..Hu Yu Hai Ding 3) See me ASAP…………………………Kum Hia 4) Stupid Man……………………………….Dum Gai 5) Small Horse………………………………Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach…………………Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped the coffee table……………….Ai Bang Mai Ni 8) I think you need a face lift………………..Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here……………………Wai So Dim 10) I thought you were on a diet…………….Wai Yu Mun Ching 11) This is a tow away zone………………….No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week………WaiYu Kum Nao 13) Staying out of sight……………………..Lei Ying Lo 14) He's cleaning his automobile……………Wa Shing Ka 15) Your body odor is offensive…………….Yu Stin Ki Pu Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronttuk Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 Dressed and Ready A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferret Master Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 (edited) Hi, LB, I must correct you. THAT IS THE FUNNIEST JOKE EVER ON HERE! :( :( FM Edited February 4, 2006 by Ferret Master Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnskevena Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 LMAO at all of them :( :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maori Haz Posted February 4, 2006 Report Share Posted February 4, 2006 LMAO Browning GTS!!!!! :( :( MH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
richishere Posted February 5, 2006 Report Share Posted February 5, 2006 LMAO...all the way!!! A gud 10mins entertainment :( :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Browning GTS Posted February 5, 2006 Report Share Posted February 5, 2006 And there`s more. It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, > > Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way > > the old nun had instructed. > > > > Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's > > nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and > > pray. > > > > The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday > > night bath had gone. > > > > "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved." > > > > "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun. > > > > "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash > him, > > and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs > > where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." > > > > "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. > > > > Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to > > Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I > > > would > be > > assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his > > Key to Heaven into my lock." > > > > "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. > > > > "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to > > salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon > > swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being > > saved." > > > > "That wicked old bas***d" said the old nun. "He told me it was > Gabriel's > > Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Browning GTS Posted February 5, 2006 Report Share Posted February 5, 2006 And one for luck. :blink: You Gotta Love Walmart! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and his own sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to carry out his plan. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisNicholls Posted February 7, 2006 Report Share Posted February 7, 2006 A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.” The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.” The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods.” “Tiger Woods, the golfer?” “Yeah.” “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.” The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. “What are you doing?” asks the wife. The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.” The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks. The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?” “He’d come back to bed and do it again.” The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?” “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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