lurcherboy Posted April 6, 2006 Report Share Posted April 6, 2006 TECH SUPPORT/CUSTOMER SERVICE FUNNIES > >Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just >doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? >Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? >Customer: Yeah.... >Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using? >Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player >and all I get is weird noises. Listen..... >Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! > >=============== > >Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? >Female customer: A white one... > >=============== > >Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. >Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button? >Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. >Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. >Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on >my desk... sorry.... > >=============== > >Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen. >Customer: Your left or my left? > >=============== > >Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? >Male customer: Hello... I can't print. >Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... >Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill >Gates! > >=============== > >Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I >try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed >it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find >it... > >=============== > >Customer: I have problems printing in red... >Tech support: Do you have a color printer? >Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. > > >=============== > >Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? >Customer: A cute little teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the >supermarket. > >=============== > >Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. >Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? >Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. >Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. >Customer: OK >Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? >Customer: Yes >Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another >keyboard? >Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work > >=============== > >Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital >letter V as in Victor, the number 7. >Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? > >=============== > >Customer: I can't get on the Internet. >Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? >Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. >Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? >Customer: Five stars. > >=============== > >Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? >Customer: Netscape. >Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. >Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. > >=============== > >Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my >computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. > >=============== > >Tech support: How may I help you? >Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. >Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? >Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get >the circle around it? > >=============== > >A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her >printer. >Tech support: Are you running it under windows? >Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The >man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is >working fine." > >=============== > >And last but not least:.... > >Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the >same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type >the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." >Customer: I don't have a P. >Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. >Customer: What do you mean? >Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. >Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted April 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2006 >Bob feared his wife Ruthie wasn't hearing as >well as she used to and he thought she >might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure >how to approach her, he called the family >Doctor to discuss the problem. > >The Doctor told him there is a simple >informal test the Husband could perform to >give the Doctor a better idea about Ruthie's hearing loss. > >"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, >"stand about 40 feet away from her, and >in a normal conversational speaking tone >see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, >then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." > >That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, >and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 >feet away, let's see what happen! s." Then in a normal tone he >asks, >'Honey,what's for dinner?" > >No response. > >So Bob moves to closer to the kitchen, >about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, >"Honey, what's for dinner?" > >Still no response. > >Next he moves into the dining room where >he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, >"Honey, what's for dinner?" > >Again he gets no response. > >So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about >10 feet away. - "Honey,what's for dinner?" > >Again there is no response. > >So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, >what's for dinner?" > >(I just love this) > > > > > > >"BOB, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!" LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted April 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2006 >ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS RECORDED AND VERIFIED BY THE WORLD FAMOUS >INTERNATIONAL INSTITUTE OF ANSWERING MACHINE ANSWERS. > >1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave >your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. > >2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not >here. So, leave a message. > >3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the >money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial >aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, >you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. > >4. Hi. Now you say something. > >5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk >to it instead. Wait for the beep. > >6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? > >7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" >message, I'll call sooner! > >8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please >speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these >magnets. > >9. Hello you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. >My owners do not need siding, windows, a free trip or another credit card, >and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and >do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name >and number and they will get back to you. > >10.This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic >thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your >number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your >call. > >11.Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me >a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. > >12.Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave >a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back. > >13.If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons >right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home >and it's safe to leave a message. > >14.Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. >Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. > >15.Hello, you've reached Mark and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right >now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up >and down, and I like doing it left to right.... real slowly. So leave a >message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you. LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnGalway Posted April 6, 2006 Report Share Posted April 6, 2006 (edited) . Edited September 3, 2009 by JohnGalway Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yorkshire Pudding Posted April 6, 2006 Report Share Posted April 6, 2006 LB Going self employed was the worst ever mistake for you to make ... As you now waste everybodys time ! Not only in the reading of said items , but the laughing at em , and the retelling em .. all the best yis yp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted April 6, 2006 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2006 LB Going self employed was the worst ever mistake for you to make ... As you now waste everybodys time ! Not only in the reading of said items , but the laughing at em , and the retelling em .. all the best yis yp Can't post the other ones YP LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MC Posted April 7, 2006 Report Share Posted April 7, 2006 Nice to see you're back on form LB Cheers Martin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cranfield Posted April 7, 2006 Report Share Posted April 7, 2006 The answering machine ones are excellent, I may change the message on ours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted April 7, 2006 Report Share Posted April 7, 2006 :( Support: How can I help? Customer: My computer isnt working! Support: Have you pressed the on button? Customer: Yes, nothing happened! Support: Can you check to see if the plug is in at the back of the computer? Customer: I can't see the plug it's too dark! Support: Can you switch the light on? Customer: No, we have a powercut! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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