Browning GTS Posted May 12, 2007 Report Share Posted May 12, 2007 As you know, Glasgow will be applying to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014. What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014 to boost Glasgow's bid. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below: OPENING CEREMONY The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Castlemilk, in the traditional dress of Burberry baseball cap and a white shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium. THE EVENTS In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes. 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police Dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, Walls etc) HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts. FENCING This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and takes an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, underage drinking and arson. SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian". THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided. MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing... THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
novice cushie shooter Posted May 12, 2007 Report Share Posted May 12, 2007 so true!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazza Posted May 12, 2007 Report Share Posted May 12, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boom boom Posted May 13, 2007 Report Share Posted May 13, 2007 utter **** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LEFTY478 Posted May 14, 2007 Report Share Posted May 14, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BSA Shaun Posted May 14, 2007 Report Share Posted May 14, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Browning GTS Posted May 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 14, 2007 utter **** Oops sorry boom boom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
il cacciatore Posted May 14, 2007 Report Share Posted May 14, 2007 Has this anything to do with this: Games bid city claims foul play Officials expressed disappointment at the reported remarks Officials from Glasgow's Commonwealth Games bid have complained after a Nigerian politician was reported to have criticised the city. Glasgow and Nigeria's capital Abuja have been competing to host the event in 2014. Nigerian Sports Minister Bala Kaoje reportedly said that Glasgow's crime rate was worse than Abuja's. The Games bid process is supposed to be good-spirited and teams are banned from criticising their opponents' campaigns. A Glasgow 2014 spokeswoman said: "It's accepted practice when bidding for major events that competing cities do not criticise each other. "It's unfortunate that from reports the minister appears to have both disregarded this rule and all objective evidence about such factors in his own country." http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgo...est/6653559.stm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boom boom Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 utter **** Oops sorry boom boom no problem gts i nearly laughed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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