jokes

[berettaman1]

THIS WIK I AM MAINLY LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLES JOKES,

[Griff36]

THIS WIK I AM MAINLY LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLES JOKES,

 

Especially for you!

 

 

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

 

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

 

 

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

 

 

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my

hand."

 

 

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

 

 

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

 

 

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

 

 

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

 

 

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

 

 

I was reading this book, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

 

 

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

 

 

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

 

 

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

 

 

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

 

 

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

 

 

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi !"

 

 

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

 

 

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off in! to a tree. The police came and asked me

what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road"

 

 

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

 

 

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

 

 

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said! "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

 

 

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow".

[dusk2dawn]

Good reading, thanks for that made I laarf

 

D2D

[berettaman1]

too late bud, I saw all them jokes on the Hunters forum!!

[peter-peter]

THIS WIK I AM MAINLY LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLES JOKES,

A man wakes up one morning to find a brown bear on his

roof so he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough,

there's an ad for bear removers.

 

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be

over in 30 minutes.

 

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's

got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old

pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then

I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof

with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit

bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him

in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

 

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

 

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[berettaman1]

THIS WIK I AM MAINLY LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLES JOKES,

A man wakes up one morning to find a brown bear on his

roof so he looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough,

there's an ad for bear removers.

 

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be

over in 30 minutes.

 

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's

got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old

pit bull.

 

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

 

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then

I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof

with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit

bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him

in the cage in the back of the van."

 

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

 

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

 

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Ha Ha Ha, Pete slow down, you will soon be as hated as me,,

[Griff36]

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer loaned the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.

 

 

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

 

 

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it smelled like ****!" said the boy.

 

 

"****!" said the farmer. "You've shot my wife!"

[charlie 1]

:o

 

brightned up my day.

 

cheers guys

[plinker]

priceless :o