Pike Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 A duck walks into a pub, strolls straight up to the bar and orders a pint of Bitter and a pickled egg. "wow says the bar tender, you're a talking duck"!! "of course I am" says the duck and finishes his beer. This goes on for a few nights until one evening the circus master comes into the bar. The barman has a chat, explains the situation with the duck, and between them they decide that they should offer the duck a part in the circus performance and take a cut of the profits. The following night the duck comes in, orders his beer and sits down to talk to the barman. "My friend the circus master has been in and he wants to offer you a place in the circus, the pay is good and I will be your manager." "The circus?" replies the duck "Isn't that the big tent with the hole in the middle and all the performing animals?" "yes that's the one" "all canvas and ropes and flashing lights" "thats it" "What on earth do they need a plasterer for?!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Red Fox Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 An elderly couple take a visit to the doctors surgery and the nurse tells the old guy "I need a seeman, urine and stool sample from you sir"not hearing too well he asks his wife "what did she say" his wife replies "she wants your underpants" Foxsy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
c.mosley Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 a horse walks in to a pub and saya "pint of your best please" bar man answers "why the long face?" :yp: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pike Posted August 29, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 Three ducks walk into a pub and each takes a seat at the bar. After a period of awkward silence the barman goes up to the first duck and asks "Whats your name?" "Donald" is the reply "how has your day been?" "great" the duck replies "I have round the farmyard for a bit of dinner then in and out of puddles most of the afternoon" Not wanting to show favouritism the barman looks to the next duck and asks him the same question. "Daffy" "and your day?" " fair to middling, I've been in the pond, up the yard and not to forget in and out of puddles whenever I can". Turning to the third duck he asks "whats your name?" "It's Puddles and don't bloody ask!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonnyni Posted August 30, 2004 Report Share Posted August 30, 2004 OK then my turn A guy goes to the doctor and says "doctor small problem I have got a strawberry stuck up my ****" doctor says "don't worry I have some cream for that" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted September 1, 2004 Report Share Posted September 1, 2004 An orniental gentleman goes to the doctor with an embarrassing digestive disorder and severe flatulance. "Whats the prob said the doc." "Well I work for Nissan, said the man and every time I **** it comes out sounding like Hondaaaa" "You have a Abscess on your Colon said the doc." "How do you know that said the Oriental without even examining me.?" "Ah" said the doc "old Chinese Proverb... Abscess makes the **** go Honda..." FM. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
c.mosley Posted September 1, 2004 Report Share Posted September 1, 2004 a rabbit goes into a pub......."a pint please and a cheese toastie !". the rabbit drinks his pint and eats the cheese toastie...... "a pint please and a ham toastie !. again he drinks his pint eats the toastie...............but drops down dead...... the barman say`s to a punter......."thats what happens when you mix mi toasties !" (as in myxie) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pike Posted September 1, 2004 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2004 And who said Pigeon shooters have no sense of humour?!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
remytherussell Posted September 3, 2004 Report Share Posted September 3, 2004 Theres a knock at the pub door. The barman opens the door and sees no one there. "Can I have a drink" says a little voice. Barman looks down a sees a snail. "No, ****** off, I,m not serving you" and slams the door. "Knock knock" goes the door again. Still standing there is the snail. "Please let me have a drink" he pleads. "I told you to ****** off. Your not coming in here leaving trails over everything" and slam the door again. "Knock Knock" Barman opens the, take a might kick at the snail sending it across the carpark and onto the road. TWO WEEKS go by when "knock knock" at the door. Barman opens the door, looks down........ Snail says "why did you do that".... (Hope it not too subtle) RTR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted September 3, 2004 Report Share Posted September 3, 2004 Nice one. Bill & Ben go to the pub. Bill goes up to the bar and says " Flobalob al lobalob a weeee " Ben says " Ill get these... youre ******!" Bloke goes into the Pub with a little sack... Barman notices it jumping about. " Whats that" he says and the bloke opens it to reveal a tiny little man. "Is he a dwarf said the Barman" "He may be" says the man "but he is brilliant on the Piano.." He sets the little man on several cushions at the pubs Piano and he starts to play a beautiful rendition of Beethovens Piano concerto. very soon the whole pub was on its feet aplauding.. "Brilliant... Where did you get him" said the Barman. "Well.." said the man "one night on the way home I stopped and helped this little old women over the road and she turned and said that tonight my wife could ask her for whatever she wished for to mark my great kindness. Only problem is the old women must have been slightly deaf and I got a 12 ins pianist... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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