Todays Joke

[kip270]

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T).

 

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the

course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed

at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially

skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

 

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in

DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

 

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to

EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they

don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T

already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job

teaching others.

We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS

(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

 

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management

and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL

OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course

emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

 

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF

TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T).

 

 

Thank you,

 

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

 

 

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their

life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. They have

already had their fill of S.H.I.T.

 

Thank you for your time. !

Sincerely,

 

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity

Training.

(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T).

[lurcherboy]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs." He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!" She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

 

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."

What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

LB

[white fox]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

 

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

 

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

 

Then:

 

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

 

and

 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

 

But,

 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

 

And,

 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

 

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard workand Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the ******** and *** kissing that will put you over the top.

 

WF

[lurcherboy]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

 

 

LB

[dazza]

[SNAKEBITE]

Do you lot realise that I have to print this lot out and distribute it round the shop everytime a new one comes up!?!?!?! :thumbs:

[ChrisNicholls]

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients & felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

 

The guilt & sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

 

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, you won't be the last, & you are single. Just let it go."

 

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

 

"Dave you're a vet."

[Axe]

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He waddled to the nearest phone to call the AA. His car was quickly towed to the nearest garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the car. The penguin, being a good natured bird, didn't complain but wandered off to find the closest supermarket. He proceeded to the frozen foods section and hung out near the fish sticks.

 

After an hour he got in the freezer next to the vanilla ice cream and ate several gallons. Then he saw the time and went back to the garage covered in ice cream. The mechanic walked over to him wiping his hands and shaking his head saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin said, "Oh no! It's just ice cream." :*)

[SNAKEBITE]

Classic.

[SNAKEBITE]

It's not really a joke more of a put down..............

 

Go upto a rival and say "I was in the supermarket last night saw a loaf of bread and thought of you, but when I looked close I saw it said thick CUT".

[lurcherboy]

It's not really a joke more of a put down..............

 

Go upto a rival and say "I was in the supermarket last night saw a loaf of bread and thought of you, but when I looked close I saw it said thick CUT".

:thumbs: Problem with your spelling there Snakebite

 

 

 

 

LB

[SNAKEBITE]

Dsylexia rules K.O.

[lurcherboy]

There was a blonde, so sick of blonde jokes, that she dyed her hair brunette. The jokes stopped and she was happy. Whilst on a country walk she noticed a field of sheep and a farmer stood watching them from the gateway. She was thinking how cute they looked and asked the farmer, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your field, can I have one?" The farmer nodded and agreed. She guessed, "268." The farmer said, "Clever girl! Go on then, take your pick." She mingled among the flock and eventually started to carry one back to her car. When she got to the gate the farmer stopped her and said, "If I can guess your natural hair colour, can I have my DOG back?"

 

 

 

 

LB :thumbs:

[white fox]

Teacher asked kids if they could change their skin to a different colour what would they choose.

Peter "I would like gold"

Teacher "Why gold Peter?

Peter "I could scrape a bit off from under my arm and sell it, then buy a new BMW"

Teacher " Very good Peter, anyone else have an idea?"

Tommy "I would like platinum skin"

Teacher "Why platinum skin Tommy?"

Tommy "Platinum is more expensive than gold, I could scrape a bit off from under my arm and sell it, then buy a new BMW and a Merc"

Teacher " Very good Tommy, anyone else have an idea?"

Alfie "I would like my body covered in pubic hair"

Teacher "Alfie I am shocked, why pubic hair?"

Alfie "My big sister has got a little triangle of it, and there's loads of cars parking outside my house"

[NorfolkBoy]

Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each and observed

that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

[prickrick]

A man walking down the street notices a funeral procession coming towards him.

There are two hearses each with a coffin in. Following the hearse is a man walking with a dog and a long line of men walking behind him stretching around the corner.

 

Wondering what had happened the man approached the man with the dog and asks about the sad event.

 

“Well” said the man “you see, in the first hearse is my mother in-law, she came to my house the other day and my dog attacked her and sadly killed her.

 

“and what about the other hearse” said the first man

 

“that’s my wife, she rushed to help her mother and the dog turned on her and killed her also.”

 

The first man ponders for a moment and then asked “can I borrow the dog.”

 

The man nods behind him and says “join the queue”

Edited November 19, 2005 by prickrick