lurcherboy Posted January 23, 2006 Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 There was a man who worked for the Post Office... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses .One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds,he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later,another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. It must have been those thieving ****ers at the Post Office. Sincerely, Edna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Gilligan, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert isle. They live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Gilligan and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but both Gilligan and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course………. Well,a couple more years went by and Gilligan and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So they buried her :blink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 Dedicated to NTTF. Any day know Dan :blink: An elderly couple decides to get some ice cream. The old man opts to go alone and asks his wife what she wants. “I want a banana split,” she says. “Are you going to remember this, or should I write it down?” “No, no, I’m sure I can remember,” the old man replies. “I also want chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry with whipped cream and sprinkles. You sure you’re going to remember all this?” “Yeah yeah, I’m not that old,” exclaims the increasingly agitated husband. “And don’t forget the cherry on top,” says the wife. The old man leaves for the ice cream and returns three hours later with a bag of bagels. His wife, looking confused, surveys the order and exclaims, “So where the hell is my cream cheese?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you, I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! .. The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkeye Posted January 23, 2006 Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 :blink: :blink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gibby Posted January 23, 2006 Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 That 3rd one has made me sick... :blink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 23, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2006 That 3rd one has made me sick... :blink: Wimp :blink: LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gibby Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 What ever floats your boat :blink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnskevena Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 :blink: :blink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mel b3 Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 some crackers there lb :blink: :blink: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisNicholls Posted January 24, 2006 Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 "Can I have some Irish Sausages please ?", asked Paddy. The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?" "If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian ? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German ? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish ? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask Me if I was Mexican ? Would ya, ay? Would Ya?" The assistant says, "Well no". "And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't!" So with self-indignation, the Irishman says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?" The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 24, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2006 :blink: :blink: LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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