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non-hallmark cards


darebear
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1. I always wanted to have someone to hold,

 

Someone to love. After meeting you ...

 

(inside card)

 

I changed my damn mind!

 

 

 

2. I must admit, You brought religion into my life ....

 

(inside card)

 

I never believed in Hell until I met your ***.

 

 

 

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am ...

 

(inside card)

 

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

 

 

 

4. Congratulations on your promotion.

 

Before you go ...

 

(inside card)

 

Will you take the knife from my back?

 

You'll probably need it again.

 

 

 

5. Someday I hope to marry ...

 

(inside card)

 

Someone other than you.

 

 

 

6. Happy birthday!

 

You look great for your age ...

 

(inside card)

 

Almost life-like!

 

 

 

7. When we were together, You said you'd die for me .....

 

(inside card)

 

Now we've broken up, I think it's time to

 

keep your promise.

 

 

 

8. We've been friends for a very long time ...

 

(inside card)

 

What do you say we stop?

 

 

 

9. I'm so miserable without you ...

 

(inside card)

 

It's almost like you're still here.

 

 

 

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. . .

 

(inside card)

 

Did you ever find out who the father was?

 

 

 

11. You are such a good friend if we were on a

 

sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ...

 

(inside card)

 

I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

 

 

 

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something

 

really special for your birthday. . . .

 

(inside card)

 

So we're having you put to sleep.

 

 

 

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

 

(Available only in Alabama, Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia)

 

 

 

14. Looking back o'er the years. We've been together, I can't help but

 

wonder ...

 

(inside card)

 

What was I thinking?

 

 

 

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . .

 

(inside card)

 

Too bad no one likes your husband.

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The best birthday card I ever saw (and I should have bought 100 of them / a life times supply) said on the front

 

Happy Birthday

 

I was out shopping and bought this card just for you...

 

-and on the inside it said-

 

...and then I wiped my **** on it.

 

(and there was a big brown coloured line printed on the card right up the middle from the bottom to the top of the inside cover).

 

Pure comedy gold, albeit brown gold.

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