Browning GTS Posted February 25, 2007 Report Share Posted February 25, 2007 Subject: Letter to the Bank >> >>A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it >>sufficiently amusing to have it published in The Times. >> >> >>Dear Sir, >> >>I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured >>to pay my plumber last month. >> >>By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his >>presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to >>honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my >>Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight >>years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of >>opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for >>the inconvenience caused to your bank. >> >>My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused >>me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I >>personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to >>contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, >>pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. >> >>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood >>person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no >>longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed >>personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must >>nominate. >> >>Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person >>to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact >>Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. >> >>I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about >>him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. >> >>Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be >>countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her >>financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be >>accompanied by documented proof. >> >>In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she >>must quote in dealings with me. >> >>I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have >>modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my >>account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the >>sincerest form of flattery. >> >>Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press >>buttons as follows: >> >>1-- To make an appointment to see me. >>2-- To query a missing payment. >>3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. >>4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. >>5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. >>6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. >>7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is >>required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the >>Authorized Contact.) >>8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8 >>9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put >>on hold, pending the attention of my >>automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a >>lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. >> >>Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an >>establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. >> >>May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. >> >>Your Humble Client >> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darebear Posted February 25, 2007 Report Share Posted February 25, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naddan28 Posted February 25, 2007 Report Share Posted February 25, 2007 lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkeye Posted February 25, 2007 Report Share Posted February 25, 2007 Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DirtyDeeds Posted February 25, 2007 Report Share Posted February 25, 2007 If only. My wife is currently taking out legal proceedings against Abbey who have charged her previously £70, of which she eventually only had to pay £20, and now a further £123 in charges (plus accruing interest) all for a cheque of.......... (wait for it...) (hold on.....) £12 ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dusk2dawn Posted February 26, 2007 Report Share Posted February 26, 2007 Brilliant Hawkeye where and how do you obtain the larfin mutt? D2D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Geordie Posted February 26, 2007 Report Share Posted February 26, 2007 Brilliant Hawkeye where and how do you obtain the larfin mutt? D2D Just go online and type (animated Gif) into your search bar There are MILLIONS of them LG Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.