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A Letter to the Bank


Browning GTS
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Subject: Letter to the Bank

>>

>>A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it

>>sufficiently amusing to have it published in The Times.

>>

>>

>>Dear Sir,

>>

>>I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured

>>to pay my plumber last month.

>>

>>By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his

>>presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to

>>honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

>>Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight

>>years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

>>opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for

>>the inconvenience caused to your bank.

>>

>>My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused

>>me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I

>>personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to

>>contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,

>>pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

>>

>>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood

>>person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no

>>longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed

>>personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

>>nominate.

>>

>>Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person

>>to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact

>>Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

>>

>>I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about

>>him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

>>

>>Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

>>countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her

>>financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be

>>accompanied by documented proof.

>>

>>In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she

>>must quote in dealings with me.

>>

>>I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have

>>modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my

>>account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the

>>sincerest form of flattery.

>>

>>Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

>>buttons as follows:

>>

>>1-- To make an appointment to see me.

>>2-- To query a missing payment.

>>3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

>>4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

>>5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

>>6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

>>7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is

>>required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the

>>Authorized Contact.)

>>8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

>>9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put

>>on hold, pending the attention of my

>>automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a

>>lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

>>

>>Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

>>establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

>>

>>May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

>>

>>Your Humble Client

>>

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If only.

 

 

My wife is currently taking out legal proceedings against Abbey who have charged her previously £70, of which she eventually only had to pay £20, and now a further £123 in charges (plus accruing interest) all for a cheque of..........

 

 

 

 

(wait for it...)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(hold on.....)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

£12 !

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