Todays Joke

[Pike]

Welsh farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when the are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again e tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

 

"No", she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".

 

[henry d]

You`re a sad puppy Pike

[enniskillen]

[invector]

As old as the hills! When I heard it many many years ago it was a sow being taken to the boar in a wheelbarrow.

[TX Sniper]

B)

[Puddytat]

This might have already been posted on here, cant be bothered to check..

 

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy"So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

 

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy". " No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

 

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

 

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a "tragedy"

 

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

 

Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f...ing accident either".

[enniskillen]

B)

[lurcherboy]

Both jokes 'kin excellent B)

 

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties,

and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!

 

 

LB

[white fox]

Corkers

[BountyHunter]

A limbo dancer walks into a bar. He wasn't very good.

[henry d]

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a bar and the barman says"Is this some kind of Joke"

 

$h!te eh???

[BountyHunter]

There are two peices of tarmac sitting in a pub, the first piece of tarmac being from a country lane is not very well tended and has grass growing from cracks all over him, his self esteem is very low. The second piece of tarmac is from a big city motorway, he is big and bold, his finish worn to a shine by the number of tyres he has taken running over him, hell, he even has a skid mark (must've been that curry).

 

"stick with me sonny" says the motorway tarmac "I'm 'ard as nails!"

 

"thanks" whimpers the coutry tarmac, unable to look him in the eye.

 

"I'm so 'ard I make granite look soft" he replies.

 

As this engrossing conversation unfolds a third piece of tarmac walks in to the pub, he is red with a white stripe drawn from head to toe, the bar goes silent.

 

The soft tarmac looks to the motorway 'ard tarmac for support but he is nowhere to be seen, only when the red tarmac has gone does he emerge from his hiding place under the table.

 

"I thought you were supposed to be hard?" askes the soft tamac.

 

The motorway tarmac replies:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Funk that, he's a cyclepath!"

[white fox]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the barman manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room

 

WF

[lurcherboy]

*****

 

Nice one WF

 

 

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

An 80-year-old man

 

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

 

 

Ring any bells with you older chaps?

 

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room:

I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

 

Show this one to the strife White Fox

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people; one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then management said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer; then hired two more people.

Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people; an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative

Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cutback on overall costs."

 

So they laid off the night watchman.

 

 

The story of the civil service under New Labour.

 

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

An Australian, over here for the crickets, is offered a 'good time' by a delectable young lady outside Old Trafford. When they get to her flat, he asks if he can rearrange the furniture, to which she agrees.

Systematically, he removes every item of furniture from the room.

"Well Aussie", she says, "I've never done it like this before!"

"Well Sheila, I've never actually had a woman before", he says, "but if its anything like a Kangaroo, you need plenty of room!"

 

 

 

LB

[white fox]

The story of the civil service under New Labour.

and some companies I know

 

WF

[lurcherboy]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbour from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be bloody well hung."

I took a drink from my can of Guiness, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbour and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."

 

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

The story of the civil service under New Labour.

and some companies I know

 

WF

Expose them WF

 

 

LB

[Bazooka Joe]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

 

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's

habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake

his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

 

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it

was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was

perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one

day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip

them out!

 

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner

and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the

turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a

malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where

her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she

pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey

guts into his shorts.

 

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which

was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps

as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she

rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she

reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

 

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained

underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked

him what was the matter. He said," Honey, you were right." "All these years

you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

 

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my

guts out, and today it finally happened.

 

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

 

Bazooka Joe.

[NorfolkBoy]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As

>he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies

>sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting

>there in the car.

>

>Were they trying to steal it?

>

>"Heavens no, we bought it."

>

>"Then why don't you drive it away."

>

>"We can't drive."

>

>"Then why did you buy it?"

>

>"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed. So we're

>just waiting."