lurcherboy Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, "what is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl? "Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year." He replies: "Good enough." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!" LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ***!" LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnskevena Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Nice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him find something. He says that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few moments later the man deposit a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string onto the counter. The sales girl says confused " Sir .. i thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" He says " You see.. its like this, yesterday i sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of ciggarettes and she cam back with a tin of tabacco and some rolling papers cause .. ' its so much cheaper!' So, I figure if i have to roll my own .. so does she.. LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNAKEBITE Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Is it the late nights that brings out the talent in you LB? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAMMY Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 I take it you've been on the Pop tonite LB??? This sudden burst of energetic posting gives it away or do you suffer from insomnia? Hammy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darebear Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 who cares, im laughing my *** off. keep em rollin LB. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 **** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkeye Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 **** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Devilishdave Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 Some crackers there dude keep up the good work Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 3 blokes in a film crew walking along in the desert to do a film shoot.A camera man a sound man and the director. One of the guys kicks a lantern and he picks it up and gives it a rub and out pops a genie. The genie says you have 3 wishes. The sound man says I wish I had all the money in the world and live in the bahamas,next minute poof he's gone The camera man says i wish I was irresistable to all women and had a big house in florida and all the money in the world, next minute poof he's gone. The director says I wish those two blokes would stop ******* around and get back to work... LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming... LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 7. Never lick a steak knife. 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 14. Your friends love you anyway. 15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. The last one is wrong Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 I take it you've been on the Pop tonite LB??? This sudden burst of energetic posting gives it away or do you suffer from insomnia? Hammy Not to excess Hammy but it was a late night. LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackthorn Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 nice one mate theres some good uns there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tosspot Posted February 11, 2006 Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 in a recent survey it was discovered that 81% of scousers have had sex in the shower the other 19% have not been to prison yet i used to be indeceisive...............but now i'm not so sure Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2006 in a recent survey it was discovered that81% of scousers have had sex in the shower the other 19% have not been to prison yet i used to be indeceisive...............but now i'm not so sure LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spider.20 Posted February 12, 2006 Report Share Posted February 12, 2006 good work LB keep it up try these on for size Chuck Norris Facts Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. ***-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ******* Indian. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Additional Chuck Norris Facts If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot *** kicking in real-time. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting ****** off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick) When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it. spider Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted February 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2006 LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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