The pianist

[bertie]

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around

the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

 

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the

window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

 

'******* get in there you ****!' he says to himself and goes to

the bar. 'Get the ******* manager of this ******* middle class

******** please... you ****', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The

barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you

sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of ****, I saw your **** advert

in the ******** window and I'm here to audition.....******.' The manager

is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for

a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune

he Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet

utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful,

wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song was called "Excuse me prime

minister but I just ******* your daughter, and now the ***** is

blind...'

 

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little

less "lively". '******..' interjects the pianist before launching into a

powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through

his salty teardrops asks him the title.

 

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the ****

you get **** on your ****-***.' I see' says the manager, 'Have you got

any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do

you want me to split your ********", or there's the epic "I don't care

if you're older my dear, you've still got nice ****". 'Look' says the

manager interrupting, I think you're a superb pianist but the title of

your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that

you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' '**** it'

says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going

superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is

being received as modesty.

 

The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is

a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side

revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which

boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

 

During the interval the pianist has got such an impressive 'swelling'

that he decides to go to the bog and pollish one off, to 'relax

himself'. Just as he has 'relinquished' he hears himself being

re-introduced over the P.A, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes

his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde

approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in

the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your

***** is hanging out of your trousers, and ***** is dribbling onto

your shoes?'

 

'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

 

I ******* wrote it!!!'

Edited July 10, 2006 by henry d

[AndyCM]

5, 4, 3, 2.............

[digger]

1

[Browning GTS]

F-----g good i almost p----d myself

[Slipster]

Funny but GOTTA GO

[ChrisNicholls]

Brilliant.

[tosspot]

it's made 30 mins

[bertie]

Well whoever has let it run this long, thank you, at least its made a few people smile!

[hawkeye]

 

 

Brilliant

[Graham M]

And I got deleted for saying "Fikkin"

G.M.

[king ratcatcher]

 

well it made me laugh

[dazza]

[Natures_son]

Brill made me laugh

[deadeye ive]