Yorkshire Pudding Posted November 23, 2006 Report Share Posted November 23, 2006 Don't know if this has appeared before ..... Just thought this may be of some help to people: What the Haynes Manual Really Means.................. Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer....anticlockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles!........on both hands. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"! Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out that pesky bayonet bit. Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing. Then re-check the manual because this cannot be 'lightly' what you are doing now. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it! Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job. Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage For whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"! Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself! Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do! all the best yis yp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted November 24, 2006 Report Share Posted November 24, 2006 Magic, absolutely magic thats made my day. Its sums it up superbly. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted November 24, 2006 Report Share Posted November 24, 2006 Can't see anything wrong with above, in fact it sounds like sensible advice from an expert LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darebear Posted November 24, 2006 Report Share Posted November 24, 2006 too true. nice one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JJaxeman Posted November 24, 2006 Report Share Posted November 24, 2006 Great been there seen and done it :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mossy835 Posted November 24, 2006 Report Share Posted November 24, 2006 haynes are about 20 miles from me they have a big place there, lots of old cars there very big place worked on the rd there many a time.there is old tanks out side as well worth a look. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scaffman73 Posted November 24, 2006 Report Share Posted November 24, 2006 Can't see anything wrong with above, in fact it sounds like sensible advice from an expert LB too true. nice one :( "TOO TRUE" How the hell would you know about sensible advice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darebear Posted November 24, 2006 Report Share Posted November 24, 2006 Can't see anything wrong with above, in fact it sounds like sensible advice from an expert LB too true. nice one :( "TOO TRUE" How the hell would you know about sensible advice well i wouldnt know would i. because i'm still waiting on you givine me some Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Geordie Posted November 24, 2006 Report Share Posted November 24, 2006 You should try the WIRING side mate I just bought a Rickman Ranger and what a nightmare When i leave the lights on Dip beam the engine carries on running when i turn the ignition off and only goes off if i put on High beam or turn the lights off al together Add to that NON of the external lights work other than indicators and brake lights. The Side lights come on with the ignition and i can't turn them off unless i turn the car off And to cap it all i took the dash out to figure out why the car runs when dip beam is left on and a Black wire came from nowhere (no opposite connector) and now i lost the Charging circuit my window wipers my fuel guage temp guage and instrument lights :( I had to bite the bullet (no pun intended) and book it into an auto electricians i am gonna have the whole thing sorted propperly. Going in Monday and i HOPE to have it back before saturday as i want to get to Thimbleby Are there any qualified auto electricians on the forum i wouldn't mind paying LG Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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