Paul in North Lincs. Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 B & Q JOB APPLICATION This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q. They hired him because he was so funny..... NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy plonker) SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I? DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: it was a **** job. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BSA Shaun Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 You can't beat the humour of old boys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dusk2dawn Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 You can't beat the humour of old boys B) OI, LESS OF THE "OLD" D2D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 very funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnGalway Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles Lucky ******* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BSA Shaun Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 You can't beat the humour of old boys B) OI, LESS OF THE "OLD" D2D Meant the fella applying Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Highlander Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 You mean a company the size of B&Q have a sense of humour Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SNAKEBITE Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 I'd employ him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muckybear Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 fair play to him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fifesniper Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 funny old ****** !! think he must've been the guy that made up my order for my kitchen,,10 grands worth and i told them to stick it up their **** the night before they were due to fit it....bit of advice for anyone thinking of using b + q,,,,,,,,,DON'T DO IT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kipper Posted May 3, 2007 Report Share Posted May 3, 2007 Fantastic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazza Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 B) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Conygree Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 during a radio interview with the oldest man in the village the young man from local radio asked," whats it like to be 93 and living in the village?" after a long pause the old boy replied," better than the alternative". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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