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dead-eye-dick

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PC Futrett

PC Futrett

Posted
Posted

A GIRLS PRAYER

 

Lord

Before I lay me down to sleep

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who's willy's thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,

When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,

And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,

Knows just what to say when I ask "How big's my behind?"  

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,

In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!

I pray that this man will love me no end,

And never attempt to **** my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray by my bed,

I look at the ****** you sent me instead.

Amen.

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PC Futrett

PC Futrett

Posted
Posted

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short).

In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

 

 

No Offence to our european cousins intended.  :D

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Craigie

Craigie

Posted
Posted

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a

very

attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a

moment.

The woman notices this

and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "Q's just

given me

this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special

about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady  says, "What's it telling you now?" Well, it says you're not

wearing any knickers...." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must

be

broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond tuts, taps his watch and

says,

"Damn thing's an hour fast."

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PC Futrett

PC Futrett

Posted
Posted

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night.

You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to,knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

 

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no

trouble coming up with his answer.

 

WHAT DID HE SAY?

.................        

 

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend,and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

 

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

 

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, s**g the perfect woman against the bus stop and drive off with the old friend for some beer.

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PC Futrett

PC Futrett

Posted
Posted

A Saint Indeed

 

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for private health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical centre as a phlebotomist.

 

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It’s now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down those stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

 

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

 

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize its just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become, as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

 

Take a long hard look at this one lads. :(  :(  8)

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