Schoolboy Jokes

[daveman]

Man goes to see his Doctor and says "Doctor, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass Of Home". "Ah", says the Doctor, "You're suffering from the Tom Jones syndrome". "Is it common" asks the bloke. "Well, Its Not Unusual", replies Doc.

[PC Futrett]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike!I need a bike!"

 

 

[neil]

THE PSALMS OF TONY BLAIRE

 

Blaire is my shepherd I shall not want.

He leadith me beside still factories.

He restoreth my doubts in the labour party.

He guides me to the path of unemployment.

For the partys sake I fear no evil for thou art against me.

Thou anointest my wages with freezes,

so that my expensis rise more than my income.

Surely,poverty and hard living will follow te Labour party all of our days.

And I shall live in a rented house forever.

 

 

5000 years ago Moses said 'pack thy camel,pick up thy shovel,mount thy ***,i will lead you to the promised land.

5000 years later Harold Wilson said,'lay down your shovel,sit on your as,light up a fag this is the promised land.

Today Tony Blair will tax your shovel,sell your camel,kick your ***.There is no promised land.

 

I am therefore glad to be British,glad to be free,but I wish I were a doggie and Tony were a tree.

[PC Futrett]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place.

 

 

Every one a Gem  :(  :(  8)

[everygoodnamewastaken]

What's herpes??? lol Where do you geta ll the jokes PC Futrett?:(?:(? :(

[Cranfield]

PC knows some rather mature schoolboys. :(

[PC Futrett]

You have to laugh Cranfield then the world laughs with you. And by the way I went to a good school it was approved!

 

This a genuine Irish joke, told by the Irish about the Irish.  Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.  So his two best friends, Dermot and Tony, were sent for.  Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Dermot said "Yup, he's burnt

pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Dermot looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."  The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Tony to identify the body Tony took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over. " The mortician  rolled him over and Tony looked down and said "No, it ain't Paddy."  The mortician asked "How can you tell?"  Tony said "Well, Paddy had two ####s."

"What? He had two ####s?" said the mortician.  "Yup, everyone knew he had two ####s.  Every time we went into town, folks would say "Here comes Paddy with them two ####s"

:(  :(

[neil]

This isnt really a schoolboy joke more schoolboy behavior i've just been browsing around and found this forum on the guntrader.co.uk website go to the website then click on shooting forum then other shooting websites then thegun.co.uk. I know we cant agree all the time but i think things have gone a bit far there, still it makes you appricate the more friendly atmos here!

[Cranfield]

neil, I found that website, it seems to be someones personal website.

Who is he ?

 

Did you mean the comments the writer was making about "internet stalkers" or something similar ?

 

I must say I didn,t understand what he was going on about.

Did I miss something ?

[neil]

Sorry cranfield i'm no Bill Gates when it comes to computers, i tried to put one of those links that you can click on that would take you straight there but couldent work out how stick whith me hear.

Go to www.guntrader.co.uk

click on the shooting forum link

then click on the other shooting websites link

then click on the topic thegun.co.uk

 

I think thats a bit clearer

[Cranfield]

neil, I found it.

Seems like the usual brand of "Internet Warriors".

Big, strong and aggressive...................at the other end of an annonymous computer link.

 

Unfortunately, any Forum/Website that gets a concentrated attack from people like this can fold up, because all the decent people leave it and go elsewhere.

 

Often that is the intention of these people.

Some Forums call them "Trolls".

They join a Forum , just to cause trouble.

We have been lucky so far.

 

The way to beat them is to ignore them.

Without the fuel,their fire soon goes out.

[highdowns hunter]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

 

The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father".

 

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that".

 

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

 

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

 

The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

 

The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said: "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".

[PC Futrett]

Nice one  highdowns I like it:D

 

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her primary school kids put on his snow boots?

 

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Once the second boot was on, she had worked up quite a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,

"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. He then announced,

"These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,

"Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said,

"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said,

"Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

 

 

Her Court case starts next week.

 

 

Well its about schoolboy .....and it clean

   8)

[highdowns hunter]

Not a schoolboy joke but I think you will appreciate this one

 

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink #####. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual masculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "Some serious critics believe that the pink ##### also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

 

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really

about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no

African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish

coal-miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

[PC Futrett]

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.

His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish rugby tops roared into view from around the point.

 

Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they hear frantic shouting from the shore.

It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.

I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who the hell was that???!" "That," one of them answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows ****** all about coastal shark fishing. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

 

 

No offense intended it can be worded both ways :(  :(  8)

[lazza]

:laugh:  :laugh:  :laugh:

 

I'd love to have a few hours in a pub with you lot!!!

[lazza]

Neil,I've just found that Forum, you are on about!...............Dead friendly on there eh!................Cranfield, I totally agree with your views on it..........with one small addition.................The DELETE POST button!!........... :(

[highdowns hunter]

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall,

holding

hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat

silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny

for your thoughts, Angus."

 

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

He blushed and then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

 

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your

thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... perhaps its now aboot time

for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him

for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out

over the loch.

 

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,

Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... perhaps its aboot time you let me

poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it

on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze

out over the loch.

 

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,

Angus." The young man knit his brow. "Well, now" he said, "My thoughts

are a bit more serious this time."

 

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye,"

said the lad. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her

lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

 

"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

 

IS SCOTLAND NEAR YORKSHIRE :( (SORRY MALC COULDNT RESIST) hh

[PC Futrett]

Now we are getting the hang of this forum boys

 

A Englishman and his wife return home from a long holiday in the USA. They are trying to smuggle a couple of pets into the UK.  A snake and a skunk.

"How are we going to get these through customs?" asks the wife.

He says, I'll wear the snake like a belt and you can put the skunk down

your knickers.

She says, "What about the smell?"

"If it dies, it dies."

 

 

   8)

[everygoodnamewastaken]

Before i start IM SORRY

 

The city fellow asked his friend the country boy to take him deer hunting, as he had never been hunting before. The country boy agreed to this, as long as the city fellow did EXACTLY what he was told to do.

 

The two men got their gear together and went into the woods. The country boy told the city fellow to sit down on a log that lay beside a deer trail, and that if he stayed quiet and waited, the deer would come right by him on the way to the creek, and he would be able to get a good shot. The country boy said that he was going to go on down the trail about a mile to another good spot, and he would be back to meet the city fellow later.

 

But a few hours later, the country boy heard all kinds of yelling and screaming as the city fellow came running down the trail!! "Well what's wrong with you?", he asked the city fellow. "Why didn't you stay where I told you to?"

 

The city fellow, still very excited, replied, "Well, when the bobcat came over and sharpened his claws on the log, I didn't move. When the bear came and sat on the other end of the log, I didn't move. But when the two squirrels came up, climbed into my lap and then one said to the other, 'Shall we take them with us or eat them here', well I just couldn't stand it any more!"

 

There were 3 guys, 2 smart ones, and a dumb one. They were all going hunting. The first smart guy went out and came back with a huge grizzly bear. The dumb guy asked him "How did you get that huge Grizzly bear?" The smart guy said, "I followed the tracks, went in the cave and shot the bear." Then the second smart guy went out and came back with a huge black bear. The dumb guy asked him, "How did you get that huge black bear?" The smart guy said, "I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and shot the bear. So the smart guy went out and came back all bloody and cut up. The smart guys said, "What happened to you?" The dumb guy said, "I followed the tracks, went in the cave, and got hit by a train."

 

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged three ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, YOU TELL ME!"

 

A man was married to a wife who bugged him every time he wanted to go hunting, which was only once a year. Finally, after years of nagging and beefing, the husband agreed to take his wife on his annual hunting trip. When they arrived he took her about 250 yards down a well-travelled hunting trail, where no one ever shot anything, and had her climb up in a tree to await a deer. He said, "Here is your gun, just sit in the tree and try to get a deer. When I hear your gun go off I'll come back." He got about 50 yards back up the trail when he heard the gun go off. He thought, "Oh great, what has she done now?" and headed back toward the tree. As he returned along the trail he heard shouting. Further along he realized it was his wife and some man yelling at one another. He walked around the last corner and came upon his wife arguing with a man. Just then the man threw up his hands and said, "FINE. FINE. You can HAVE the deer - just let me get my saddle off of it first. Okay?"

 

I think thats more than enough just now!

 

 

 

 

   

[everygoodnamewastaken]

Ok im sorry again but this one made me laugh

 

Two good ole boys, Billy Bob and Joe Wayne were hunting one a sunny day. Now Joe Wayne was not the brightest person in the world.

 

They came up on a pretty young girl sunbathing in the nude....

 

Billy Bob jumped up and said, "boy, she looks good enough to eat."

 

So, Joe Wayne shot her.

 

     :grumpy:

[PC Futrett]

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon.  Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his pay check) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife.  After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see ME for a couple of days?!?"  "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.  Monday went by, and

the man didn't see his wife.  Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result.  Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

 

I ALWAYS ask first............

   8)

[ernyha]

An Australian,s version of foreplay.

     "Brace yourself Sheila,here it comes." :but:

[PC Futrett]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday

Minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this very bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes

probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."