Another joke

[BTMS]

German goes to an English prostitute

 

"I vish to buy sex viz you."

 

"OK," says the girl, "I'll charge 20 an hour."

 

"..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

 

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky."

 

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large

bedsprings and a duck caller.

 

"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."

 

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he

had said, to her hands and knees.

 

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."

 

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

 

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

 

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

 

She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by

the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The

climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is

several minutes before she has enough breath to say: "That was totally

amazing, what do you call that position ?"

 

"Ah," says the German .. . . "zat is ze....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Four-sprung Duck Technique."

[chris lewis]

nice one , I think I sent this to my entire address book. there wasnt a copyright was there!! :blink:

[Dunkield]

Scroll down to 'joke of the year' - don't you just hate that!!

[Browning GTS]

The new Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the

celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right

wrist, and this was one of these occasions.

 

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking

a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy

the reputation of the Catholic Church.".

 

"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially

secure for life."

 

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after

lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million

quid.

 

 

The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He

met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.

 

"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost

you?"

 

"Two million quid" replied the Pope.

 

"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper.......

 

 

 

 

Wait for it!.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"They must have seen you coming!" *******

Edited September 15, 2005 by Browning GTS

[bobt]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is

absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his

new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

 

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and

shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

 

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's

varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale

and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

 

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps

up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

 

A bit ****** off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,

dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B

flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild

with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

 

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play

a jazz chord". Well and truly ****** off that this little guy doesn't

seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the

stage "OK smart ***. You get up here and do it!"

 

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike

and starts to sing.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[bobt]

Little Jimmy is waiting outside the school gates when his Dad turns up to collect him in a brand spanker new Mercedes.

 

"Come along son, let's cruise"

 

Off they go with Little Jimmy gasping in awe as dad explains what all the buttons, switches and ***** do.

 

"But the best toy" jokes Dad, "See the 3 pointed star on the bonnet? It's for lining up old people to run over"

 

With that an unsuspecting octogenerian is spied crossing the road ahead.

 

"Watch this" grins dad, as he crouches down to "amusingly" peer through the Merc badge and guns it towards the old biddy.

 

Faster and faster they go, and about a metre before impact Dad swerves to avoid hitting and laughs.

 

Jimmy pipes up, "Dad, thats rubbish. If I hadn't opened the car door as we went past we would have missed them"

[Sergeant]

****!! :( some of them are worth remembering!

Heres my humble effort, the faithful blonde joke

 

How do you make a blondes eyes light up?

Shine a torch in their ear!

 

No offence to any blondes who might read this

[lurcherboy]

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.

The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.

So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

A blonde girl came home from college one day and told her mother that a boy had paid her a dollar to climb up a ladder and get his ball from off the roof.

"You silly girl," her mother said, "he just wanted you to climb the ladder so he could look up your skirt and see your undies."

The next day the same little girl came home from college and told her mother that the same boy gave her a dollar again to climb a ladder and get his ball off the roof. Just before her mother could admonish her for being silly, the little girl said, "No mum, this time I tricked him. I wasn't wearing any undies!"

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind. The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

Farmer John

 

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY. That really sped them up.

So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers.." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

 

"NUDIST COLONY"

 

 

Go slow and watch out for the chicks

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the

bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into

the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!

 

 

LB

[henry d]

Just found this--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

To: All Al Queda Fighters

From: Bin Laden, Osama

Subject: The Cave

 

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really

Come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting

a

Jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a

few concerns:

 

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we

should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to

avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we

need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning roster...

have you?

I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the

halaal toaster).

 

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying

to scare the **** out of most of the world's population, okay? That

means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the

background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

 

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairymilk chocolates recently, clearly

wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of

my Dairy milk slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

 

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance

ourselves from the infidels' bat and ball games. Please do not chant

"Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

 

Five: Graffiti. To whoever wrote "OSAMA SH*GS DONKEYS" on the group

toilet wall, it's a lie. The donkey backed into me, whilst I was

relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

 

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse

that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the

edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future.

(With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

 

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise

trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for

them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

 

Love you lots, Group Hug.

 

Os.

 

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.

 

Cut it out, it's not funny any more

[Browning GTS]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

 

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a pi$$ before the film starts.

 

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

 

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog ***** in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

 

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains

 

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

 

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

 

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

 

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

 

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

 

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

 

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

 

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

 

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

 

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

 

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

 

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

 

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

 

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

 

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

 

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

 

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

 

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

 

ALCOHOLICS - don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

 

McDONALD'S - Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

 

EMPLOYEES - Have all your ****s at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

 

LADIES - An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

 

SCROOGES - Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".

 

MICRA DRIVERS - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

 

ANGLERS - Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day

 

SINGLE men. Get a glimpse of married life by taping Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV whilst trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.

 

ENJOY indoor snorkelling by filling a bath with water, then removing the plug quickly putting your mouth over it and breathing through the overflow.

 

TIGHT- ***** blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.

 

CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner

[Browning GTS]

Subject: A thought provoking question regarding your morality...

 

So where do you stand morally?

 

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an

honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally

 

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you

will have to make a decision.

 

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll

down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

 

-------------------------

THE SITUATION

-------------------------

You are in New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused

by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical

proportions. You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper, and

you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

 

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making

photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing

under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

 

--------------------

THE TEST

--------------------

 

Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not

to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the man looks

familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's the President, George W.

Bush.

 

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him

under forever. You have two options- you can save the life of the President,

or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the

death of one of the world's most famous men.

 

-------------------

THE QUESTION

-------------------

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......

 

 

 

 

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic

simplicity of black and white?

[Browning GTS]

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.

 

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

 

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

 

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

B) :thumbs:

[the last engineer]

whilst on the subject of ...............

 

President Bush visits a primary school classroom. They are in the

Middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher

asks

President Bush if he would like to lead the discussion of the word

'tragedy.' So the president asks the class for an example of a

tragedy.

 

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on

A farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills

him, that would be a 'tragedy'."

 

"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

 

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children

drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

 

"I'm afraid not," explains President Bush. "That's what we would call a

'great loss'."

 

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searches

The room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a

tragedy?"

 

Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a

Quiet voice, he says: "If Air Force One carrying you, Mr. President,

were

struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that

Would be a 'tragedy'."

 

"Fantastic!" exclaims President Bush. "That's right. And can you

Tell me why that would be a 'tragedy'?"

 

"Well," says the boy, "because it certainly wouldn't be a 'great

loss', and it probably wouldn't be an 'accident' either."

[Puddytat]

Did you hear about the blind circumciser?

He got the sack.

 

 

Jeremy Beadle was masturbating one day. Thinking, he says to himself 'My 'equiptment' is pretty small....on the other hand, its huge!'

[white fox]

What key opens any lock?

.

.

A PI-key

 

WF

[the last engineer]

For those of you who golf....

 

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she said.

"Where?", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide." :*)

 

 

Martin

[lurcherboy]

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR Stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

This Refrigeration Truck Driver goes into the bar and he asks the bartender "I like to have a shot of GIN"

 

The bartender thought to himself "Well this crazy SOB asking for some Gin, I think i should get him real good".

 

So the bartender says " Alright what kind of Gin would you like?"

 

The trucker said "You mean there's more than one kinda' Gin?"

 

Bartender say's "Sure you've got Hydrogen, Oxyogen, and Nitrogen".

 

The trucker said "Oh!!!! Well did you know there are three kind's of *****?"

 

Bartender say's "What do you mean three kinds of *****?"

 

Trucker say's "Well you've got Mustard, Custard, and YOU!!! YOU BIG ****, Ya know what i mean".

 

 

LB

[lurcherboy]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

 

Maude: What in the hell is that?

 

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

 

Maude: Where did you get it?

 

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

 

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

 

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

 

LB