new to the flock Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 This was sent to me recently.....enjoy >> >>>If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet >>syndrome >> >>>including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below >> >>>will have you laughing out LOUD! >> >>> >> >>>Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. >> >>> >> >>>Here's what happened: >> >>> >> >>>Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was >> >>>"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in >> >>>his room. >> >>> >> >>>"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, >> >>>Dad. Can you help?" >> >>> >> >>>I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him >> >>>into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on >> >>>his back, >>looking >> >>>stressed. I immediately knew what to do. >> >>> >> >>>"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" >> >>> >> >>>"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having >> >>>babies." >> >>> >> >>>"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, >> >>>Mom!" >> >>> >> >>>I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said >> >>>we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. >> >>> >> >>>"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she >> >>>inquired. >> >>> >> >>>(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) >> >>> >> >>>"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in >> >>>my >>most >> >>>loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). >> >>> >> >>>"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. >> >>> >> >>>"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," >> >>>she informed me. (again with the sarcasm?) >> >>> >> >>>By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going >> >>>on. >> >>> >> >>>I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going >> >>>to >>be >> >>>a >> >>>wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the >> >>>miracle >>of >> >>>birth." >> >>> >> >>>"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. >> >>> >> >>>"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a >> >>>litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I >> >>>really do think she >>was >> >>>being snotty here, too. Don't you?) >> >>> >> >>>We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like >> >>>a >>tiny >> >>>foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. >> >>> >> >>>"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. >> >>> >> >>>"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. >> >>> >> >>>"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. >> >>> >> >>>"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when >> >>>it >>next >> >>>appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried >> >>>several >>more >> >>>times with the same results. >> >>> >> >>>"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. >> >>> >> >>>"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern >> >>>here with the females in my house?) >> >>> >> >>>"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. >> >>> >> >>>We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. >> >>> >> >>>"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. >> >>> >> >>>"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women >> >>>can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me >>is >> >>>one >> >>>thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) >> >>> >> >>>The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the >> >>>little animal through a magnifying glass. >> >>> >> >>>"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. >> >>> >> >>>"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I >>speak >> >>>to >> >>>you privately for a moment?" >> >>> >> >>>I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. >> >>> >> >>>"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. >> >>> >> >>>"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. >> >>>In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You >> >>>see, Ernie is young >> >>>male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male >> >>>species, >> >>>they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." >>He >> >>>blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, >> >>>Mr. Cameron." >> >>> >> >>>We were silent, absorbing this. >> >>> >> >>>"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered. >> >>> >> >>>"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. >> >>> >> >>>More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And >>giggle. >> >>>And then even laugh loudly. >> >>> >> >>>"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the >>woman >> >>>I >> >>>married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless >> >>>manliness. >> >>> >> >>>Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm >>picturing >> >>>you >> >>>pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air >> >>>to bellow in laughter once more. >> >>> >> >>>"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly >> >>>bundled >>the >> >>>lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was >>going >> >>>to >> >>>be okay. >> >>> >> >>>"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he >> >>>told >>me. >> >>> >> >>>"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. >> >>> >> >>> >> >>>2 - Lizards - $140... >> >>> >> >>>1 - Cage - $50... >> >>> >> >>>1 - Trip to the Vet - $30... >> >>> >> >>>Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's pecker.....Priceless! >> > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kenzie Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wol the hunter Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 you best get ernie lizards babes :*) no what i mean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkeye Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 Brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magman Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 priceless Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darebear Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 B) nice one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnskevena Posted March 21, 2006 Report Share Posted March 21, 2006 Top class Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazza Posted March 21, 2006 Report Share Posted March 21, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bigbob Posted March 21, 2006 Report Share Posted March 21, 2006 Best one ive heard for a while Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chezney Posted March 21, 2006 Report Share Posted March 21, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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