Lockdown

[JDog]

Jim Neal you have my sympathies. I hope you manage to get through it.

[WalkedUp]

On 30/03/2020 at 01:08, Jim Neal said:

We've got a 3½ yr old son who is "a bit of a handful".  We have decided we don't want to put him or us through the extra stress and worry of intervention from the authorities so there is no official diagnosis, but he is definitely displaying all the signs of what nowadays they'd label as ADHD or such like.  Just the simple task of getting him dressed in the morning or sitting down for dinner can be impossible.  Forget about washing hands or dare we even attempt to apply drops to his eye that has constant conjunctivitis - nuclear apocalypse scenario!

If you've done anything in slightly the wrong order like make his breakfast without him "helping" you can expect an emotional meltdown, resulting - literally - in you having to "reset" the situation back to where it was so he can make it all happen according to what he wants. Sometimes you can, sometimes you can't like if you've already fed the dogs and he runs in wanting to have helped but it's too late.  You simply can't get past some of his meltdowns until you've done it all his way, I nearly fed the dogs twice one time just to appease him!! They were egging him on I think...

Anything outside his routine or comfort zone results in an outburst of panic, fear, violence and non-compliance.  Even things within his normal routine can result in temper tantrums and deadlock if just the slightest thing is out of place.  He spits at you, scratches you, kicks you, everything you can think of.  Trying the calm approach, walking away then coming back in a quiet manner etc just has no effect.  I've knocked him on his backside (in a controlled manner) a few times to try and snap him out of it.  This maybe works in the short term but it doesn't change the longer-term mental weariness that results from managing this sort of a child.  There is no escape except the possible hope that with time he will grow out of it.

Jim, it’s hard isn’t it. He may or may not have any of a number of issues or it may just be normal childhood development. I know anecdotes are of little comfort now but I’ve had / having the exact same issues with my three boys. The oldest is 5 and through it now, the middle one (3.5) is stating to come to the end of it and (joyfully) the baby (1) has just started in the last few weeks.The right plate, the right this, it has to be here, that has to be there, then crumbling into hysteria at the slightest hint of adversity or change. E.g. testing their cup of milk for being too hot causes an entire lost morning. 
 

My mother laughs as she can see me going through what she went through with me when I was a young boy. Of the five of us my middle sister and I were awful by all accounts. Tantrums over the slightest change, anger fits over everything. In school we were just as bad. I kicked my darling, sweet old teacher on the first day of reception and tried to run home. my sister hit the teacher who hit her... We were still given the ruler and picked up by the ear but physical violence does nothing to abate an inner rage. My (wicked) aunt hit my younger brother (4) whilst my mum was in work one evening, aged 6 I jumped up and attacked her with my saw (I had my own full tool kit even then) frothing at the mouth that I would kill her. It was enough to drive her from the house screaming, barely to be seen again by us again. I was in short a terror, couldn’t accept change.

But trust me it does slowly get better. My anger is still there inside, when needed, and I have the scars to prove it - but so is the steely determination to have things done right. . My sister is a deputy head teacher of a secondary school and I’m a partner of an architectural practice, with 5 A’s at A-Level, two degrees etc. Yes I probably have a slightly elevated position on the autism spectrum but so what - it’s a spectrum we are all on there to some degree. Whilst tutoring the Master’s students at the university I was having lunch with a fantastic French architect. We were talking about exactly these issues of child rearing. When she was a young girl they would have hysterics over which plate they each ate from. All plates were ostensibly identical, but bore a unique collection of scratches and patina that the children could identify. Completely mad and infuriating for her parents but it has certainly done her no harm!