lurcherboy Posted January 27, 2006 Report Share Posted January 27, 2006 Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician." Nina asked, "Why?" Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories there are in sperm." Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you’re a little chunky." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2006 Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads: Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads: 40-ish ........................ 49. Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone. Athletic ...................... No breasts Average looking .......... Moooo. Beautiful .................... Pathological liar. Emotionally Secure ... On medication. Feminist .................... Fat Free spirit .................. Junkie Friendship first .......... Former slut. New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places. Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs. Open-minded ............. Desperate Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing. Professional .............. Bitch Voluptuous ................ Very Fat Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat Wants soul mate ....... Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you. 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit - I'm gay LB :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 27, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2006 I love this one A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!" The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit. However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and **** in your purse. I'm done." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackthorn Posted January 27, 2006 Report Share Posted January 27, 2006 :( :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronttuk Posted January 27, 2006 Report Share Posted January 27, 2006 :( :thumbs: funny but sooooo true !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkeye Posted January 27, 2006 Report Share Posted January 27, 2006 :( :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnskevena Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 :thumbs: :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zapp Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 Why do women say men are impossible to understand? We have 2 modes: 1. Trying to get sex 2. Trying to avoid getting into trouble for doing something we like (ie shooting) Women are from Venus, men are from PW! Pete Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnskevena Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 Why do women say men are impossible to understand? We have 2 modes: 1. Trying to get sex 2. Trying to avoid getting into trouble for doing something we like (ie shooting) Women are from Venus, men are from PW! Pete :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazza Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 :( :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 I love this one A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!" The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit. However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and **** in your purse. I'm done." LB :( :thumbs: Their all magic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a **** job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story. We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop. Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 Puns 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual." 8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy. 9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!". 16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 :( :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spider.20 Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 :( :thumbs: good stuff keep em comin LB it makes my day spider Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first." LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 :( :thumbs: ROFLMAO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sutty Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 This acctually happened about 2 years ago. I was stood at the counter of my local DIY store waiting for some paint to be mixed. A little old lady complete with walking stick shuffled upto the counter and asked the girl serving if she could pick up a small pine cabinet she had reserved earlier. The cabinet was on a high shelf at the back of the shop. The girl looked around for one of the lads who work there ,but both were busy, then she turned to me and said. "would you mind helping me get Mrs Renshaws drawers down" We looked at each other and both collapsed in fits. The look on that old girls face, she must have thought we were crackers. regards Sutty :( :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 28, 2006 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 This acctually happened about 2 years ago. I was stood at the counter of my local DIY store waiting for some paint to be mixed. A little old lady complete with walking stick shuffled upto the counter and asked the girl serving if she could pick up a small pine cabinet she had reserved earlier. The cabinet was on a high shelf at the back of the shop. The girl looked around for one of the lads who work there ,but both were busy, then she turned to me and said. "would you mind helping me get Mrs Renshaws drawers down" We looked at each other and both collapsed in fits. The look on that old girls face, she must have thought we were crackers. regards Sutty :( :thumbs: The best ones are the real ones LB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 So did you get he 'Drawers' down :( :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnskevena Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first." LB :thumbs: :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnskevena Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 This acctually happened about 2 years ago. I was stood at the counter of my local DIY store waiting for some paint to be mixed. A little old lady complete with walking stick shuffled upto the counter and asked the girl serving if she could pick up a small pine cabinet she had reserved earlier. The cabinet was on a high shelf at the back of the shop. The girl looked around for one of the lads who work there ,but both were busy, then she turned to me and said. "would you mind helping me get Mrs Renshaws drawers down" We looked at each other and both collapsed in fits. The look on that old girls face, she must have thought we were crackers. regards Sutty :thumbs: :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sutty Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 Axe mate cant remember anything after that ,dont even think i got me paint :( :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axe Posted January 28, 2006 Report Share Posted January 28, 2006 Axe mate cant remember anything after that ,dont even think i got me paint :( :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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