Fisherman Mike Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 A magician and his trusty parrot were starting the summer season on a very large luxury cruise liner but the parrot was not keen to go to sea and became very obstinate. On the opening night the magican was just about to pull a rabbit and the parrot shouted out... "Its in his hat, Its in his hat" Look said the magician Im warning you, if you are going to ruin my act I will truss you up and throw you over the side.. Just pull your self together. Next trick the magician was just about to pull a handkerchieif and the parrot shouted out... " Its up his sleeve, Its up his sleeve" Look you bloody parrot, said the magician one more chance and thats it.. I mean it! Next trick the magician was just about to pull a bunch of flowers and the parrot shouted.. "Its in his pocket, Its in his pocket" Thats it said the magician and he grapped the parrot trussed it up with an elastic band and threw it over the side... Although he thought about the parrot for the next few weeks he carried on with his act until one night there was a terrible storm, The liner hit a iceberg and went down with all hands lost, except the magican who some how managed to cling to a bit of debris.. He bobbed up and down in the sea for what seemed many days until one day he picked out a little speck on the horizon. Thinking it was another survivor he frantically paddled towards it... only to find it was infact the parrot who had some how managed to climb on a piece of driftwood... They circled each other for several hours eying each other up.. when the parrot finally broke the silece he looked at the magican and said.. "O.K. I give up where have you hidden the bloody ship !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 Ha ha very good F.M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dead-eye-dick Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 A man is marroned on a dessert island, with only a pig and a dog for company. There is plenty of food and fresh water and the three of them live happaly for a few months. Soon the man starts to feel alittle randy and thinks of his lovely wife back home. The more he thinks of her the more frustrated he becomes. After a while he decides the pig isn't that bad looking and maybe he could releave himself with his pink chum. Each time he corners the pig, and is about to "introduce the ferret" the dog starts barking and chases him off. This goes on for weeks and the man gets more and more desperate to bed the pig. One day there is a terrible storm and Britney Spears is washed up on the beach. He looks at her full, firm breasts and neatly trimmed "bush" and a shudder of delight runs down his spine. She says - "Oh thankyou for saving me from the sea, It thought I was going to die, I owe you my life, is there ANYTHING I can do for you ?" "Yes" he say exitedly "Take that ******* dog for a walk" !!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 A classy business woman was driving through deepest Oxfordshire when her car broke down in the middle of nowhere... Seeing the light from a Farm house in the distance she walked towards it and knocked on the front door... After an age a farmer and his son ( Both typical Oxfordshire inbreds and pretty thick ) came to the door and the woman explained her predicament... Well you'll just have to stay here the night and we'll fix yer car in the mornin said the farmer.. They all sat down for a simple evening meal and discussed sleeping arrangements... Only problem tis said the farmer weese only got one bed and thee,ll aft to sleep between me and the son.. But dont you go worryin he dunno nothin about sex and wont be any problem, said the farmer with a glint in his eye.... Being relatively worldly wise and liberated the woman agreed and resigned to making the best out of a bad job... That night as they were in bed the farmer woke the woman and said " Here how about a bit we dont get many young ladies through ere." Reluctently, and to keep the peace the woman agreed but said to the farmer put this on because I dont want to have a baby.. and handed him a condom... The farmer did the deed and went back to sleep... Unknown to the woman and the farmer the son had been awake listening and he too woke the woman and said " here how about a bit we dont get many young ladies through ere" Again the woman reluctantly agreed but said to the son put this on because I dont want to have a baby.. and handed him a condom. The son fumbled about in the dark and he was so excited it was alll over in a flash.. The woman not having felt a thing... Next morning they fixed the womans car and waved her good bye.. The farmer and his son smiling as they recalled the previous nights activities.... 6 weeks later they were both in the field hoeing through the mangold wurzels when the son picked up his hoe and threw it to the ground in a fit of temper... " What be the matter with ee" said the farmer. " Well" said the son "I is proper fed up dad. you remember that nice young lady who came through here a few weeks back?" "Indeed I do" said the farmer with a glint in his eye... " Well do you do mind if she do have a baby.. ?" " Nope I dont mind," said the farmer some what perplexed.. " Good" said the son, "neither do I, Im, gonna take this bloody thing off and have a damn good ****!! "... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dead-eye-dick Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 A businessman catches the same bus home each night from work, and every night shares the bus with a very pretty NUN. She also has a perfect figure, or what he can see of it under her habbit. He alway thinks of the things he'd like to do with her and what a shame she is "Off-limits" One night, after she'd got off, he found himself alone on the bus with only the driver left. He got chatting to the oldboy and told him of his fantisies with the holy lady. "Oh" said the driver "So it's her you want is it ?" "Well I may be able to help you out young man" "If you go to the old church yard at midnight, dressed in an old sheet, and pretend to be GOD She'll do whatever you like. She's alway praying at that time." So as the clock struck 12.00 sure enough there she was praying on an old toomb stone. He put on his best booming voise and said:- "This is the voise of the almighty, I comand you to make love to me now" "Ok", said the Nun "but only up the bum, as I need to keep myself virginal for the afterlife" Fair enought thought the man, that'll do for me. So he bent her over, lifted her habbit and gave her a real good hoofing. Afterwards he felt so pleased with himself he decided to tell her how he'd tricked her, " Ha, fooled you I'm the man from the bus..." She turned round and said "Ha, fooled you, I'm the bus driver" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 Good one dead eye.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kdubya Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 Paddy comes over from Ireland! looking for work? gets an interview for a storeman in a local factory, now the interviewer realised paddy was a bit dissfunctional (thick) and points out to him that a bit of accountancy? well basic adding up was needed? no prob says Paddy I've allways been good with sums, ok says the interviewer here's a little example? Paddy if I give you 3 goats then give you another 3, how many you got? Paddy mumbles 3 uhm 5 er 7 yes thats it 7 jesus the interviewer says its 6! look I want to give you this job lets try again, right if I give you 3 sheep then I give you ANOTHER 3 sheep how many have you, Paddy mumbles 3 plus 3 is 3,4 ,5 ,6 yes got it 6! well done says the interviewer but can you tell me why when I asked how many goats you had if I gave you 3 then another 3 you said 7? simple says Paddy I already had one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yorkshire Pudding Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 kdubya How long did it take ya ?? All this time lol ... If only you could type as fast as ye can talk mate all the best (laffin me rocks off) yis yp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted February 21, 2004 Report Share Posted February 21, 2004 Great jokes, especially the ones from F.M. and dead eye Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dead-eye-dick Posted February 21, 2004 Report Share Posted February 21, 2004 A homosexual man was attending the funneral of his long-term partner. At the end of the service he goes up to the vicar and said:- "What a lovely send-off, you really did him proud, he'd have been really pleased" "Thankyou, glad you enjoyed it" said the vicar. "What do you plan to do with the ashes after he's cremated, will you take them to a place you both loved and sprinkle them in the wind, or just keep them as a reminder of your time on earth together ?" "No" Said Paul "I'm going to take him to the curry house and put him in a curry" "Thats alittle unusall, can I ask why ?" "Well" Said Paul "I'd just like to feel him slip out of me one more time !!!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted February 21, 2004 Report Share Posted February 21, 2004 Errr, that lowered the tone abit Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clanchief Posted February 21, 2004 Report Share Posted February 21, 2004 be warned very rude !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Big Bad Wolf has cornered little red riding hood in the forest and says to her open up you blouse im gonna suck yet tits,**** off she says you can eat me like the book says !!!!!!! lol clanchief Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yorkshire Pudding Posted February 22, 2004 Report Share Posted February 22, 2004 Mystery Of The Beer Scooter Explained... How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion. The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?' Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-through chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Two more questions answered! For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night. PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt. all the best yis yp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pigeon_decoyer Posted February 22, 2004 Report Share Posted February 22, 2004 Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." PD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pigeon_decoyer Posted February 22, 2004 Report Share Posted February 22, 2004 A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good,you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's **** off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!" PD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted February 22, 2004 Report Share Posted February 22, 2004 Good jokes lads, I think I took a ride on the beer scooter lastnite Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mel b2 Posted February 22, 2004 Report Share Posted February 22, 2004 that beer scooter explains a thing or two :*) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted February 22, 2004 Report Share Posted February 22, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted March 8, 2004 Report Share Posted March 8, 2004 While lying in bed one morning a wife turns over to her husband and says; I'm gonna make you the happiest man alive. To this the man replys; so when are you leaving? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brain dead Posted March 8, 2004 Report Share Posted March 8, 2004 obviously they have a good relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get it up, if you know what I mean." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even jump up on the bed!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Browning Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cow's noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was, don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer "Who?"...... wait for it.... wait for it..... "That was Thora Hird." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted March 11, 2004 Report Share Posted March 11, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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