northy Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 how about a joke of the day section to cheer people up after a bad days shooting :thumbs: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Ok, i'll start us off here's some christmas cracker one liners -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - Have you heard about the bloke who reversed into a car boot sale > and sold the engine? > > - I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to > go swimming. > > - I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't > get on with my real ladder. > > - A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. > Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals. > > - My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably > why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. > > - Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better > have a good hand. > > - I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour > said 'Are you going to help?'I said 'No, Six should be enough." > > - If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of > meat? > > - I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and > give the wrong answers. > > - Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think > I've forgotten this before. > > - When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I > realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked > him to forgive me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 This bloke walks into a bar with a goblin at his side, and orders a pint for himself and his goblin. They sit down and start drinking, the goblin downs his instantly. Another bloke (lets call him ****) is also drinking, but at a differnt table.... Oh ****** this A panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich, shoots another customer and walks out. The barmaid asks the bairman (who seems not to care) "What the hell just happend!" Barman hands a dictionary to her open at panda, it says: "Panda - Eats shoots and leaves," Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Actually I have nowt to do so here goes: This bloke walks into a bar with a goblin at his side, and orders a pint for himself and his goblin. They sit down and start drinking, the goblin downs his instantly. Another bloke (lets call him Simon) is also drinking, but at a differnt table. He notices that the goblin has no dong, and wonders how it goes for a slash. The goblin realises that Simon is looking at where his wally should be. He gets off his stool, goes to simon, looks him sternly in the eye. Simon now :*) es, the goblin, takes Simon's pint and blows a bloody massive rassberry in it. The goblin walks back to his master, and gets another drink. Simon looks into his glass, all seems ok, so he takes a drink. He glances up, and realises the goblin is looking back again. Again the goblin picks up simon's glass and blows a rassberry in it. "Dont do that, please," says simon. The goblin just goes back to his master and drinks another drink. Simon's mind strays and he takes a big drink, he stares into middle distance for a while, and realises again the goblin is glareing back at him. Propmtly the goblin storms across the bar and grabs simon's glass and blows the biggest rassberry yet into it. "Please dont do that," Asks simon "Dont look at me there, It aint easy having no cock you know," replies the goblin "How, er, do you go to the toilet? If you dont mind me asking of course" Simon asked The goblin simply pickes up Simon's glass, blows a rassberry into it, and smiles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
neil Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 This is what i was searching for when i found the above.Some are a bit ott (for ott read very American,its from a us site incase you didnt guess ) but there are a couple of good ones in there An armed man is a Citizen. An unarmed man is a subject. Glock: The original point and click interface. Gun Control is not about guns; it's about control. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords? If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words. If you don't know your Rights you don't have any. Those who trade Liberty for security have neither. The United States Constitution © 1791. All Rights Reserved. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand? The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday. Guns only have two enemies: rust and Liberals. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety 911 - Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer. Assault is a behavior, not a device. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them. You only have the Rights you are willing to fight for. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control. "...a government of the people, by the people, for the people...." Gun control is hitting what you aim at. Those who live by the sword have a fighting chance - Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't Firearm safety - It's a matter for education, not legislation. Bill of Rights. Void where prohibited by law. Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. "...quemadmodum gladius neminem occidit, occidentis telum est." [...a sword never kills anybody; it's a tool in the killer's hand.] from Lucius Annaeus Seneca, "the Younger," circa 4 BC-65 AD "Shooting. The only sport endorsed by the Founding Fathers." "If you are free to be a liberal -- thank a man with a gun!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurcherboy Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Blind man goes into a pub, unbeknown to him it is a gay bar and tonight is lesbian night. So he says to the 'barman' do you want to hear a joke about blondes.She says no, I find that offensive, and whats more the two girls on your left are wrestlers and they are blonde. The two on your right are weightlifters, and they too are blonde. So no I dont want to hear a joke about blondes. The man says, just as well as I dont want to explain it five times. No offence meant to you blondes (yeah right) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted January 20, 2004 Report Share Posted January 20, 2004 Women Drivers >> >> >>Driving to a job this morning, I looked over to my right and there was >>a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour - with her faceup close >>to the rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner ! >> >>I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, she was >>halfway over in my lane - still working on that makeup!! >> >>It scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which >>knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of >>trying >>to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it >>knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs >>causing it to splash and burn Big Jim and the Round Twins, causing me to >>scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt >>and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. >> >>******* WOMEN DRIVERS !!!!!!! NO OFFENSE FEMALES Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northy Posted January 21, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 well thats a good response, maybe a good idea after all ok i had better contribute q\ whats the worst thing to say in a gay bar? a\ can i push your stool in q\ whats purple and fits? a\ an eppaleptic q\ whats the differance between pink and purple? a\ your grip q\ whats the differance between your wife and your job? a\ your job still sucks an indian man goes in to a chip shop and says "the answer is *infatuaion twit* " *** but can any one tell northy what the question might be*** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 The chipshop owner is asian and asked "What do I cook chips in?" A/ In fat you asian twit! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northy Posted January 21, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 red you *** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 What do you meen by that? Any way what was the real question? PS I wasnt being racist honestly. I dont meen to offend any members or guests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northy Posted January 21, 2004 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 i was just calling you a *** because you got my joke i wanted to milk it for a while!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted January 21, 2004 Report Share Posted January 21, 2004 Was that the real question! What a guess Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonnyni Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 > A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream, which ran down from one of his fields. > > Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man: > "> Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's > disgusting!) > > The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking. Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer: > "Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!" (Don't drink. > Water's disgusting. Sheep **** in the water.) > > Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said: > "> Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!". (Water's disgusting. Don't drink > it!) > > I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you > said dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream > in a fine English accent; > > "Oh I see" said the farmer. > "I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Angus Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 Glasgow teachers are known to use the following translations for the remarks they make on pupils report cards. " A born leader" Runs a protection racket. " Easy going" Bone idle. " Good progress" You should have seen him a year ago. " Friendly" Never shuts up. " Helpful" A creep. " Reliable" Informs on his friends. " Enjoys physical education" Bully " Does not except authority easily"- Dad is in prison. " Popular in the playground" - Sells porn. _________________________________________ How do you know when you're staying in Glasgow? When you call the hotel desk and say " I've gotta leak in my sink" and the response is "Go ahead". ____________________ Jimmy was walking across the suspension bridge on the Clyde when he saw a man about to jump into the water. Jimmy tried to stop him by suggesting he should think of his family. " I dinna hae a family" was the response. " Well think aboot Rangers" but the man was not a Rangers supporter. " Well think aboot Celtic then" But he was not a Celtic supporter either. " Och in that case", said jimmy, " Jump ye atheist plonker". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brain dead Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 "Panda - Eats shoots and leaves," Red, have you seen or read the book that that is to do with? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 Somone in the year bellow has it, only saw it today. Any good? By they way i still have Holes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Angus Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 ROMANCE: Smart man + Smart woman = Romance. Smart man + Dumb woman = Affair. Dumb man + Smart Woman = Marriage. Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy. _______________ HAPPINESS: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ____________ LONGEVITY: Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die! HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'your next' the stopped after i started doing the same thing to them at funerals!!!!!!. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hammergun Posted January 22, 2004 Report Share Posted January 22, 2004 "Panda - Eats shoots and leaves,"Red, have you seen or read the book that that is to do with? I saw a review of the book, which was not very complimentary. Apparently the text itself is full of bad grammar, often contrary to what the book is trying to get across!! There are better books on the market. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vermin Dropper Posted January 23, 2004 Report Share Posted January 23, 2004 I was reading the recipes forum when I thought about the bloke who went into the butcher's shop, He asked the butcher "have you got a sheep's head?" the butcher replies "no, it's just the way I comb my hair" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAJ Posted January 25, 2004 Report Share Posted January 25, 2004 The seven dwarves went to the Vatican to see the Pope. On arrival they were told one of them would be allowed to approach the great man and talk to him. The long straw was drawn by Dopey. Approaching the Pope, he dropped to one knee and kissed his hand. "Tell me, Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican? "No, my son, there are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican" came the reply. With that the remaining six dwarves started tittering. "Tell me, Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe? "No, my son, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe" said the holy man The other six dwarves started chuckling. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the world? "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns at all, anywhere" With that the others fell about laughing uncontrollably. "Pray tell me" said the Pope "Why are you all laughing?" Together, they all started singing "Dopey sha**ed a penguin, Dopey sha**ed a penguin......" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 That is ******* helarious Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leon Posted January 26, 2004 Report Share Posted January 26, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonnyni Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 This joke repeatedly used the word **** and was blanked out that much I deleted it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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