ollie Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 Be warned!!!! > > > > A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. > > The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the > > town > > and > > party with his old buddies. > > So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are > > you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty > > face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my > > love?" She opened the door to the > > refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 > > different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. > > > > > > The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could > > think > > of saying was, " > > Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know.... they have frozen > > glasses..." > > > > He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him > > by > > saying, " > > You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" > > > > She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was > > getting > > chills just holding it. > > > > The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the > > bar > > they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't be > > long. > > I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" > > > > "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" > > > > She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: > > chicken wings, > > pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. > > > > "But my sweet honey...at the bar...you know. .there's swearing, dirty > > words > > and all that..." > > > > "You want dirty words, cutie pie? > > > > > > "LISTEN UP, ****HEAD! DRINK YOUR ******* BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG > > AND > > EAT YOUR MOTHER******* SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU > > AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ####?" > > > > And, they lived happily ever after. > > > > THE END!!!!!!!!!!! > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 One Day Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were fishing in each their boats in da Basin Canal. Soon Boudreaux see Thibodeaux paddling toward him. When he got there he ax Boudreaux to borrow his cigarette lighter. He wanted to smoke real bad and couldn't find his lighter. " Hey, Boudreaux let me borrow you lighter. I can't fine mine. Boudreaux whipped out a pretty Bic lighter a foot long. Man, he pushed down on that lighter and a flame 6 inches tall came out. Thibodeaux was so impressed he ax Boudreaux where he got that. "A genie gave me that. Just paddle around the bend there and you'll see a big rusty drum tied to a limb there. Just rub that drum and she will come out and grant you one wish." Thibodeaux hurry and paddle out there to get his wish. He was so nervous and excited. When he got there, he rub that drum and sure 'nuff, out she came. "What is you wish master?" she asked. "Mais, let me see. Oh, yes! I want a million bucks." "Your wish is on it's way." Sure enough. The sky fill up with ducks. All kinds of ducks. Big ones, 'lil ones - - all kinds. He was so upset. He didn't want ducks, so he paddled back to Boudreaux. The ducks still following him. "Boudreaux, what's the matter with 'dat dam genie. I ask for a million bucks and look what she send me." "Don't feel too bad, Thibodeaux......Do you think I ax for a 12 inch Bic?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a House of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not,so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the Dose that I just caught". When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way,he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex,and Mum will catch it". "In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and HE'S the plonker who ran over my FROG!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, >>when it >>started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the >>end, put >> >>it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. >>Lady 1: What's that? >>Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. >>Lady 1: Where did you get it? >>Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. >> >>The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and >>announces >>to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. >> >>The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she >>is, >>after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what >>brand & size she prefers. >> >>Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel! >>( The pharmacist fainted.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted January 28, 2004 Report Share Posted January 28, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted February 10, 2004 Report Share Posted February 10, 2004 Dear Technical Support 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2002. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflicts with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-In-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money files before uninstalling itself. Any ideas? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiercel Posted February 10, 2004 Report Share Posted February 10, 2004 Thats life as we know it Jim. :yp: Sorry it doesnt get much better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Angus Posted February 10, 2004 Report Share Posted February 10, 2004 Client to cashier: Excuse me , but how can this small hand bag cost so much? Cashier: Its made of foreskin, when you like it it becomes a suitcase! ______________________ Hubby to wife: Let me take a photo of you tits,at least i can look at them when i want. Wife to Hubby: Let me take a photo of your **** at least i can get it ENLARGED ______________________ Farmer buys a milking machine. Trys it on his Penis & has a great orgasm, but can't remove it. He reads the manual & faints. It says AUTO RELEASE AFTER 21 LITRES. :yp: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted February 10, 2004 Report Share Posted February 10, 2004 Farmer buys a milking machine. Trys it on his Penis & has a great orgasm, but can't remove it. He reads the manual & faints. It says AUTO RELEASE AFTER 21 LITRES. Someone reads FMH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurch Posted February 11, 2004 Report Share Posted February 11, 2004 Is that in any way similar to 'FHM' Red? Anyway you shouldn't be reading such publications , at your tender years surely the Beano would be more appropriate? What would your mother say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted February 11, 2004 Report Share Posted February 11, 2004 I don't know what she would say, cus you aint going to tell her, are you now.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christian Posted February 18, 2004 Report Share Posted February 18, 2004 jordan & peter andre are having sex in the jungle & they here a noise jordan says is that jonny rotten' andre answers 'i ******* hope not its the only one i got! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PC Futrett Posted February 18, 2004 Report Share Posted February 18, 2004 A farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, "How can I help you?" The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces". The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres". The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays". The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a case, but I got a John Deere." The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere." The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?". The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30". The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?" The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ernyha Posted February 18, 2004 Report Share Posted February 18, 2004 I have deleted the last two posts as being in bad taste. This forum is not the place for the telling of racial jokes especially when the death of twenty people is involved. All the members who have met me will vouch that no-one enjoys a laugh and a joke more than me but lets keep them not so controversial or in such bad taste lads. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted February 19, 2004 Report Share Posted February 19, 2004 Well done Ern.... FM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted February 19, 2004 Report Share Posted February 19, 2004 Man wakes up one morning and looks out of his window and to his shock sees the meanest looking gorilla swinging from his apple tree. He rings the local zoo and sure enough its Charlie, a 1/2 tonne male silver back. the meanest critter on earth. The zoo send round the escaped animals dept to sort the problem but ask the man not to disturb it at all for fear of it going ape s..t. 20mins later the keeper arrives in his white van and says to the man lets have a look at it then.. Yep thats charlie alright said the keeper. give me a hand to get my kit and Ill tell you what where going to do. Man helps keeper and from his van they get a net, a old remington 303, and a bloody great Alsatian with stainless steel razor sharp teeth. This is the plan said the keeper. Ill shin up the tree and distract the gorilla, Ill shake the branch and he will lose his balance and fall, you let go of the dog, it will run up and bite the Gorilla in the knackers thus paralizing him. then you slip the net over him, Job done. Lets just re-cap on that said the man. You shin up the tree, shake the branch, gorilla falls, I loose the dog, dog bites gorilla in plums, I slip net over gorilla.. Yep thats it said the keeper. Just one thing said the man.. Whats the gun for??? If I fall out of the tree said the keeer, " Shoot The Bloody Dog !!! " FM. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted February 19, 2004 Report Share Posted February 19, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted February 19, 2004 Report Share Posted February 19, 2004 Very good F.M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pigeon_decoyer Posted February 19, 2004 Report Share Posted February 19, 2004 That was a great one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Sniper Posted February 19, 2004 Report Share Posted February 19, 2004 Well done ern...agreed mate. Too distasteful for airing in this public forum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted February 19, 2004 Report Share Posted February 19, 2004 Two farmers, Ted & Burt, leant over the gate talking. One says to the other, Hey Ted how come your pig only got one leg? Well that be a long story said Ted... You remember when the house caught fire and we was all workin in the fields, well that pig ran out a squealin and a gruntin and raised the alarm... He did save my Bessys life. And do you remember when me daughter a few years later was stood under that tree in the storm... That pig moved her on just before the tree came down.. he done saved my little girls life... And do you remember when I fell into the burn that time it was in spate... That god damn pig threw inself in and dragged I out ... he done saved my life too.. And do you remember when ar gabriel crashed the car that pig dragged him out the flames by the collar... saved my little boy life he did... Yes Ted... But whys he only got one leg? Well when you got a pig like that Burt you dont eat him all at once! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ollie Posted February 19, 2004 Report Share Posted February 19, 2004 excellent joke F.M. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PC Futrett Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer, Football and large breasted women." "But what's that got to do with anything" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_stag88 Posted February 20, 2004 Report Share Posted February 20, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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