kyska Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Just for interest, my Daughter is a keen writer, she's been asked to write a short (1600 words) to be submitted from her school to a literary prize fund, her vision was to write a story from a lead dog perspective from a husky team about to start the Iditarod trail, the idea is that throughout the reader shouldn't know she is anthropomorphising, this is her abstract submission, any keen writers or readers may like to comment. The Human Element The frosted snow crunched beneath my feet as I marched up to the start line. My breath came in keen bellows, the cold air crystalizing it into frosty clouds. People around me cried encouragement, my fellow companions behind me whined in anticipation. I felt like 100 watt waves of exhilaration were passing through my trembling body. I can’t help it. My nervous eagerness seemed to always travel to my team mates, making them uncontrollable with excitement, I glanced behind my shoulder, awaiting for commands from my leader. “5…4…” my boss shouted, a tinge of impatience in his steady voice. I looked behind at my crew. Harnessed as one, tethered as a team. One for all and all for one. We are a team, a rope of success binding together. This is not one man in, one man out. This is a time where we put faith in each other, leading one another to victory. My coach bellowed, “Are you ready number one?” That’s me. This is the big shot. I screamed like a general ordering his men to go over the top at my mates, revving them up for the treacherous track ahead. Intimacy flooded their hazel eyes of what was going to happen dawned on us as a team. “3…2…” my leader yelled. Adrenaline rushed through my veins, it seemed to perturb my body, washing away the calmness, a tsunami of pure agitation replacing it. Trembling muscles, vivid vision, acute hearing, every sense in my body went to a whole new level. Everything was like a coiled spring, waiting, waiting, to be released. “1…. HIKE!!!” my mentor barked, his eyes glinting with elation. The ear piercing noise drowned around me like I had been submerged beneath water. I dug my feet into the icebound ground, snow blurring my vision as I took off at a rapid pace. I growled at my comrades to get a move on. They understood instantaneously that I meant business. The fast rhythmic beating of my own heart pounding in my head, appeared to be in sync with the thump, thump of my team mates feet hammering against the hard frozen floor. The intense artic chill of wind nipped at my face, stinging my eyes as I ran against the full force of Mother Nature. Edited January 2, 2015 by kyska Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ben0850 Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) That extract reads very well, I could easily imagine the scene, the narrative and descriptive text paint a great picture. I'm no literature bud but I am an avid reader and I enjoyed that! Out of interest have you / your daughter read a book called 'The Cruelest Miles' about running vaccines by dog sled in the early 1900's..a great read! Edited January 2, 2015 by ben0850 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rich1984 Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 As ben has said, you can picture the scene. Good writing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainBeaky Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Tidy piece of writing there, very evocative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vmaxphil Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 good bit of writing that but to me "marched up to the start line " put a soldier in to my head even though I new it was a dog Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keg Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Excellent, close your eyes and you are there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kyska Posted January 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Thanks so much for your feedback guys, the short is finished, obviously I think it reads great, I can't imagine I could ever of wrote something similar when I was eleven years old, hopefully the extract will be enough for her to submit her short. Thanks. Edited January 2, 2015 by kyska Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Very Good indeed.... No doubt you will be putting your hand in your pocket again for the pleasure...and the school coffers. I did... 8 times over 4 years... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun4860 Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 I like that, very good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timmytree Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 A very good basis to work on, well done to your daughter. There are a few suggestions I could make that may help, tonight is not the best time because I'm relaxing and having a few beers but give me an hour or so tomorrow and I'll make a few notes. Even better if someone could tell me how to send private messages on here! Regards Tim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kyska Posted January 2, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 A very good basis to work on, well done to your daughter. There are a few suggestions I could make that may help, tonight is not the best time because I'm relaxing and having a few beers but give me an hour or so tomorrow and I'll make a few notes. Even better if someone could tell me how to send private messages on here! Regards Tim Click on my user name, you'll go to my profile, you should find 'send a message' Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun4860 Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Place your cursor over Kyska's name, a little box will appear underneath, "Find content or Send message" Press send message and bob's your uncle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timmytree Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Thanks, I'll be in touch over the weekend. It's so good to see young people being positive and making an effort to write in a descriptive fashion, especially within the constraints of this subject. Your daughter deserves a bit of a treat, well done for encouraging her. Regards Tim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fuzzypigeon Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Kyska, that is a fantastic piece for someone so young in my opinion, I hope my youngest finds the joys of writing and reading works like this by your daughters age! All the best and I hope she gets the recognition deserved for a well written piece like that. Paul Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisheruk Posted January 2, 2015 Report Share Posted January 2, 2015 Great, I hope she gets the recognition she deserves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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