digger Posted April 6, 2015 Report Share Posted April 6, 2015 I'm sure that a few on here will have been through this so any advice appreciated. my wife dumped me for another bloke 11 months ago. He had previous and sure enough he dumped her 3 weeks ago. We have a two year old daughter who stays at mine 3 or four nights a week. Ex is now seeing someone else ( I know him, have worked with him in the past, decent enough guy ). seems sudden but hey ho. my problem is that she has rushed him into little ones life already ( day out today and he sleeps over ). do I bite my tounge or tell her she needs to slow down ? my daughter already asked why I can't sleep over at hers and he can. when I dropped her off she said " daddy I want you to sleep over not ***. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pegasus bridge Posted April 6, 2015 Report Share Posted April 6, 2015 I've no experience of this, but it would drive me bonkers. Not the whole ex being with someone, the bit about introducing small kiddies to new partners so quickly, IMHO it should be done after much longer, I don't think its good for kids to do it so quickly, I would be tempted to say something... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisherman Mike Posted April 6, 2015 Report Share Posted April 6, 2015 Always a difficult one..kids at that age are very impressionable but also very resilient. You have to separate your feelings for those of the child. Just go with the flow and try and explain to your daughter as best you can what the situation is and as difficult as it is don't let it get acrimonious or you will lose the best part of your daughters upbringing you will never get back. Good Luck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger Posted April 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2015 my thoughts too. I had to take little one to A and E on Weds night due to breathing difficulties and he gave the ex a lift there. fair dos but he then sat with us while we waited saying things like "hope it's not meningitis ". I offered to give them the car seat and leave them to play happy families. He said ok, she said " we can't, he's had far too much to drink " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimmydean Posted April 6, 2015 Report Share Posted April 6, 2015 First, no one but you is going to get this right because she is your daughter and they are v special. I am sure you are right and I would agree that your wife is going a little too fast, for your daughter. You seem far more together than I would be but, as you say, your daughter comes first. Offer perhaps to have your daughter to give your ex-wife some time together with this new chap as you would benefit from caring for your daughter and sleeping over at yours will be the same for her. I would think you want to be there for her and doing it this way will give everyone time to consider. Its very hard and I have not experienced divorce, with children. Do it your own way, as that cant be wrong. All the very best - do let us know how it goes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger Posted April 6, 2015 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2015 Thanks gents. I had reason to "dislike" her previous bloke for obvious reasons. New guy despite rocking up and being a tool at hospital I am man enough to give the benefit of the doubt to. just had a txt from the ex saying my daughter wants to live with me not her. poor mite Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fielddweller Posted April 6, 2015 Report Share Posted April 6, 2015 Not a nice situation. However try to make the most of it. The best thing you can do right now is to be a Rock for your daughter,no slagging off others or their actions,just solid support.Children cope very well with adversity but trust me she will remember your support in later life. Not an easy time for you right now but just be there for her. Atb Fielddweller Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
team tractor Posted April 6, 2015 Report Share Posted April 6, 2015 I went through this 4 years ago We had two kids aged 18 months (son) and 4 years ( daughter) After 6 years she said I'm always at work and found a guy who's fantastic . She left and took the kids. It took me 10 weeks and £4000 at court to see them. The bloke dumped her and she's slept with 11 guys all meeting the kids but I was warned to not introduce mine . She's now with a mate ( mug ) and it's turned out all good as he looks after the kids. My kids now almost 9+ 6 are fully aware of what's going on . If he's a decent bloke I'd just let it go and think yourself lucky he's not a druggie,theif etc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
team tractor Posted April 6, 2015 Report Share Posted April 6, 2015 Your lucky to get 3/4 nights a week and remember you don't need to pay CSA as it's split custody at that. I say just leave alone it will work out in the future and the biggest best advice I can give you is KIDS FORGET NOTHING Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
100milesaway Posted April 8, 2015 Report Share Posted April 8, 2015 (edited) Thanks gents. I had reason to "dislike" her previous bloke for obvious reasons. New guy despite rocking up and being a tool at hospital I am man enough to give the benefit of the doubt to. just had a txt from the ex saying my daughter wants to live with me not her. poor mite Well thats got to be good news for you.What on earth is she doing in a car with a drunk? Wonder if she will be tipping up like you more than liklely did? from Auntie. Edited April 8, 2015 by 100milesaway Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lloyd90 Posted April 12, 2015 Report Share Posted April 12, 2015 I'd leave best alone if I were you. Despite what you think it sounds like you've got a very good arrangement and far too often courts and police etc take the sides of women (bloody equality my ****) Know people who've bankrupt themselves and fought for years just to see their kids on weekends. Your ex Mrs is clearly an idiot. Leave her to it. End of the day mate I'd say she's dome you a favour by leaving as she's clearly reckless and no brains and your better off without. Personally I'd stay well out of her business completely. Wouldn't even be interested. Would only communicate about things for your daughter and not bother with anything else. Focus on yourself and your daughter and be happy that she obviously adores you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kyska Posted April 12, 2015 Report Share Posted April 12, 2015 (edited) I'm been going through this since me and ex split, she's had many blokes move in very quickly, my daughter spends as much time with me as she can, every weekend, nights in the week, summer holidays, but her mother just won't agree to let her come to me permanently. It's really tough, my only advice on such a delicate situation is to stay stoic, and make every decision based on your child's welfare, nothing else,make it clear the only reason you might make difficult decisions or say harsh things is for this reason. Good luck Edited April 12, 2015 by kyska Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
955i Posted April 12, 2015 Report Share Posted April 12, 2015 I have been here and my best advice is to just be the best dad you can and make the most of your time with your girl. Don't disparage the guy in front of her no matter how much you may want to. Keep things civil with her mum, me and my ex try to go out as a family at least twice a month. My son loves it when we are all together and it gives me and the ex a chance to discuss how he is going on with each of us. For example, he has been having tantrums with her and when she asked how I dealt with it I had no idea what she was on about as he never does it with me so we could come up with a plan to sort his issues at her house. It is not easy, I still love my ex and it's hard to spend time with her and then go home alone, but the main focus is the kid and it's important to suck up the hate/hurt for their benefit. If there is an issue with her chap, she will/won't sort it herself. The hardest part is to be there for your ex no matter what happens, as anything that happens to her happens to your daughter. Like I say, not easy, but unless you believe that some harm may come to your daughter from this chap, then making her feel safe and secure is paramount. Good luck and I hope everything works out OK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kyska Posted April 12, 2015 Report Share Posted April 12, 2015 I have been here and my best advice is to just be the best dad you can and make the most of your time with your girl. Don't disparage the guy in front of her no matter how much you may want to. Keep things civil with her mum, me and my ex try to go out as a family at least twice a month. My son loves it when we are all together and it gives me and the ex a chance to discuss how he is going on with each of us. For example, he has been having tantrums with her and when she asked how I dealt with it I had no idea what she was on about as he never does it with me so we could come up with a plan to sort his issues at her house. It is not easy, I still love my ex and it's hard to spend time with her and then go home alone, but the main focus is the kid and it's important to suck up the hate/hurt for their benefit. If there is an issue with her chap, she will/won't sort it herself. The hardest part is to be there for your ex no matter what happens, as anything that happens to her happens to your daughter. Like I say, not easy, but unless you believe that some harm may come to your daughter from this chap, then making her feel safe and secure is paramount. Good luck and I hope everything works out OK ^^^^this How honest to say how you feel about your ex, that's difficult for you, I do hope you're not waiting for dead mans shoes. But if you're in love, you're in love, that wasn't the case with me, she chucked me out, I found the most amazing partner (my best 'man' from the wedding with the ex) and it's only then she realised she wanted me back, but I'd moved on, hope you can do the same. Good luck to you too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger Posted May 11, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 Quick update. The guys wife cleared off to America with his kids last year I know not why. He said he wouldn't see my daughter as a substitute yet sits on her bed to read her bed time stories and when I picked her up on Sat he told her he loves her. bite my tounge or have a word ?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lloyd90 Posted May 11, 2015 Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 Quick update. The guys wife cleared off to America with his kids last year I know not why. He said he wouldn't see my daughter as a substitute yet sits on her bed to read her bed time stories and when I picked her up on Sat he told her he loves her. bite my tounge or have a word ?? What do you gain or want to achieve by having a word ? Tell the man he can't read the kid a story at bedtime ? he's obv a bit of a cawk, especially saying it in front of you. Who knows maybe he did it to annoy you, but even if you have a word it probably won't stop him doing it. Sorry mate but I'd say not to rock the boat. If he is doing it to annoy you atleast if your indifferent it'll prob stop. N if not the worst case is the kid is being cared for. I't could be worse I feel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger Posted May 11, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 Thanks. good points well made. Guess I just needed to hear it from someone impartial 👍 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suffolkngood Posted May 11, 2015 Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 In my experience I would suggest not giving your ex any reason to use your daughter as a means to take revenge on you. Children are a very powerful weapon in such situations. That is of course unless you have good reason to be concerned for the welfare of your daughter. You will ALWAYS be her dad. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun4860 Posted May 11, 2015 Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 Is it not possible for you to have her full time?.... Help with childcare from yours/hers parents? :shaun; Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger Posted May 11, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 Thanks Suffolk you are right as was big thug. I could Shaun as my exes parents despair at her behaviour. The guy won't be around forever as my ex has a history of failed relationships . If and when he goes the guy she left me for will be sniffing around and when she gets back with him ill go for custody. The ex is on a few drugs to fight depression and by god it shows when she doesn't take them ! told me she knew when she was pregnant little one would prefer me and I'm an expletive for being a great dad . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shaun4860 Posted May 11, 2015 Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 Well it's something to think about for the future Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digger Posted May 11, 2015 Author Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 v true. Cheers gents. PW at its best Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissaddler Posted May 11, 2015 Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 Nothing to add advice wise as its all been said, but all the best Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chady Posted May 11, 2015 Report Share Posted May 11, 2015 Then defiantly DON'T "have a word" !! All the best and hope it works out. And only you will know what the contex of I love her to bits means. At the end of the day she might have asked him to read her a bed time story?? I've read my friends children bed time stories before. Dosnt mean any thing bad from it. The just ask for the crazy one to read them lol. Thanks Suffolk you are right as was big thug. I could Shaun as my exes parents despair at her behaviour. The guy won't be around forever as my ex has a history of failed relationships . If and when he goes the guy she left me for will be sniffing around and when she gets back with him ill go for custody. The ex is on a few drugs to fight depression and by god it shows when she doesn't take them ! told me she knew when she was pregnant little one would prefer me and I'm an expletive for being a great dad . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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