new to the flock Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 Back in my high school days I use to drive a 1969 Barracudda, It was all done up motor wise, had redone the body and paint aswell as replaced the interior. Well the car was light metalic blue with a black interior, although at night under the car park lights it would appear a purple color. At this same time I was with a young lady that i had been with for 4 years. We had been out to the movies in the city, which is about a 30 minute drive from home had a wonderful time, come out unlocked the car and jumped in heading back home. Now it just happens that I am shade blind and have a real difficulty telling some colors apart, especially at night. We were about 3/4's of the way home when Allison asked when I had changed the interior of the car. I had no idea and asked her what she was talking about and she repeated when did you change the interior to blue? At this point I started looking around and relized that this was not my car! Needles to say we turned around and headed back to the theater. Just as we pulled into the parking lot was surrounded by 3 police cruisers and forced to a stop. Okay forced through the whole shut the car off, open the door with your right hand, out of the car , hands on the hood.....yup car had been called in stolden. After having cuffs put on and Allison and I both ,another cruiser pulls up with the owner of the Cuda I was driving and his girlfriend who positively identify it as his car. Well things are getting a bit sticky as the cops are not believing that we unlocked the car and started it with my keys and mistook it as it was the color that mine appeared under the lights. Well they finally told the guy that he could check out his car at which point he comes out with My keys and asks where I got a key to his car? We finally convince everybody to head back over to where the car was parked and about 5 spots down the line is my car sitting under a bit of light. I told the driver of the Cuda to take my keys unlock My car and park it beside his. When he put it beside his car the colors appeared almost identicle and both his and my keys would unlock and start both cars at which point the cuffs were removed and we allowed to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Sweepy Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 OMG To think i yet my young impressionable boys mix with someone who has been handcuffed. And i thought when we came over had been your first time Mr Flock. :yp: xxxxSuzy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
new to the flock Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 OMG To think i yet my young impressionable boys mix with someone who has been handcuffed. And i thought when we came over had been your first time Mr Flock. xxxxSuzy No I must confess I have worn handcuffs before meeting you Mrs. Sweepy :yp: NTTF Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeeinVA Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 I was at the market last year with my wife, and i saw this woman with a real bad case of 'bucked teeth', I mean her teeth were so bucked she could eat an ear of corn through a picket fence, so anyway, i continued to shop doing my husbandly duties, when our paths crossed I do not know why i said this, but i looked at her and said, 'nice teeth' My wife was mortified and both her and her husband stood and looked at me.. I physically shrank to about an inch and a half.. Needless to say i no longer go to the market with the little wifey :yp: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salop Matt Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 Silver pigeon did a corker before christmas. A bit of back ground info to this, I do volunteer work for the ambulance service and so know alot of the local ambulance service staff. Me and silver pigeon go shopping one day and upon pulling into our chosen car park we have to pass a Chruch which is a gossible church and is prodomintly attended by black / coloured people. As we passed there was an ambulance responce car there with a lone paramedic who i knew assisting a very over weight lady who had fallen, so being the kind guy i am i offer a hand to the para as i knew her. Once finishing as we walk away silver pigeon loudly announces her observation of one of the church by standers who not only had a particulary dark skin tone but was also wearing a white blonde wig................ Yep you guessed it within full ear shot, silver pigeon annouces how she thought the lady looked like a pint of guiness ! I must add neither of us are racist nor is this a racist post and no mallice is ment by it ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GW80 Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 I've had a few myself but one that sticks in the mind happened a few years back when i was still with my ex finacee. We were saving up to put a deposit down on our own place and were both working all the hours god sent, but this friday evening i decided to go for a few beers with the boys and as i'd a few notes on the hip from the over time i stayed for a game of cards, about 11pm the mobile went so i walked outside to the hall way were it was quiet and took the call asking where i was, as far as i was concerned she was working a late shift and would be in work til 2am so confidently proceeded to say i was at home in the flat watching TV, i also forgot that only the week before i had given her the spare key to the flat and as work was quiet her boss let her go early. I hadn't realised that she was ringing me from the flat and that i was well and truly busted 2 weeks of grovelling it took to win favour and the moral of this story is if you are going to lie to women make sure you have a good memory!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hairyduck Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 (edited) I went to a club in Reading once after spending the night in the pub, after many pints I was bursting for the loo and a little worse for wear, so I wandered off to find it. Having relieved myself and rejoined our group one of them asked me where the loo was, I pointed in the general direction I'd gone and someone else piped up that the loos are downstairs in this place. I'd actually gone for a pee in one of the snug areas at the back of the club Edited March 18, 2009 by hairyduck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harnser Posted March 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 This one happened to a friend of mine only a few weeks ago . He was in a large department store in Norwich and had the sudden urge to go to the loo . He went into the toilet and went into the only free cubicle and sat down . He heard the bloke in the next cubicle say hello mate how are you . so he replied not to bad ,how are you . The bloke in the next cubicle then said what are you doing tonight and my mate replied ,not very much proberbly watch a bit of T.V. and maybe go up the pup . This conversation went on for about 5 minutes when the bloke in the next cubicle said , I will have to hang up theres a **** in the next bog who keeps answering me ,he thinks i am talking to him . Cringe worthy i think . Harnser . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salop Matt Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 That is brillient harneser ! LMAO. It sounds like you just attract these strange situations ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lord_seagrave Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 This one happened to a friend of mine only a few weeks ago . He was in a large department store in Norwich and had the sudden urge to go to the loo . He went into the toilet and went into the only free cubicle and sat down . He heard the bloke in the next cubicle say hello mate how are you . so he replied not to bad ,how are you . The bloke in the next cubicle then said what are you doing tonight and my mate replied ,not very much proberbly watch a bit of T.V. and maybe go up the pup . This conversation went on for about 5 minutes when the bloke in the next cubicle said , I will have to hang up theres a **** in the next bog who keeps answering me ,he thinks i am talking to him . Cringe worthy i think . Harnser . Classic. I was assisting a film costume dresser with some items of a specialist nature for a well-known stage and screen actor (a knight of the realm and 'self-confessed player of the pink oboe'). The said knight was having trouble squeezing into the too-small shoes that the dresser had brought along, and, as I reached for the shoehorn, I unthinkingly announced to all and sundry - "I've got the horn for you Sir *****!" Ground swallow me up. He was not amused... LS LS Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supersonic Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 This one happened a quite a few years ago when g/f and her kids came on their first ever holiday with me and my 2 kids down to Cornwall. Mr Sonic hadn't been to number two's for a few days and the trains were backing up in the station shall we say. 5 kids and 2 adults crammed into the car and we set off for the short drive to the beach and Mr Sonic sneaks out a little bit of wind in the trouser area. The smell was absolutely horrendous and everyone is going bonkers blaming each other and sticking heads out of windows and retching I spot a tractor and trailer in a field and with a perfectly straight face point to it shouting "it's the fields, they're putting something on the fields" at which point everyone winds up the windows thus trapping in the vile putrid smell of the 2nd one that had just sneaked out. The kids are all grown up now and I eventually fessed up about a year ago and I still get stick for it now. I have never smelt anything as bad before or since!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gixer1 Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 a few years ago i was walking through the city centre and i spotted a bunch of guys acting like idiots and annoying people outside the large shopping centre, so being brave i looked over and gave them a dirty look as i was walking towards the entrance only to walk straight into one of those concrete traffic stopping bollards at a perfect wedding veg height, i hit it with that much force that i sea-sawed over it and face planted into the ground...much to the amusement of the crows around the entrance, i stood up, lowered my head and walked into the shopping centre red faced..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sambu13 Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 several years ago when i was 17 i has just started driving lessons and was suitably cocky! anyway i went to the cinema one night with my mates and as we were getting to the car afterwards i jokingly said, "il drive if you like " i was shocked when my mate replied "OK"! anyway i ended up driving home from hull (about 20 miles) with him asleep in the passenger seat without a license or insurance! still makes me cringe! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the_haganizer Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 a few years ago i was walking through the city centre and i spotted a bunch of guys acting like idiots and annoying people outside the large shopping centre, so being brave i looked over and gave them a dirty look as i was walking towards the entrance only to walk straight into one of those concrete traffic stopping bollards at a perfect wedding veg height, i hit it with that much force that i sea-sawed over it and face planted into the ground...much to the amusement of the crows around the entrance, i stood up, lowered my head and walked into the shopping centre red faced..... :yes: unlucky gixer1, mate of mine had a simular situation to that ages ago, he was trying to impress a girl by jumping over the bollard that is at the bottom of the churchyard where I live (he was around 10/11 at the time), anywho- he misjudged the hieght he needed to achieve and crashed straight into the top of the bollard with the crown jewels! He was in pain, but at least the girl did notice and was impressed.. with his squeals of pain... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, note to everyone- NEVER try to jump bollards in a wax jacket.. the back catches and then you end up scraping your way down the bollard with your back!! Robo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Salop Matt Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 A mate of mine on a lads night out, we had just left one pub and were walking down the relitivly quite high street. Just as we passed the set of traffic lights one lad (rich) decided to wait for the next car to come along and press the button so it had to stop ! This back fired on him when he saw a silver vauxhall omeaga come down the high street and sure enough he pressed it and stood there grining like the muppet he is often known as, the grin was soon wipped off his face when the copper in the unmarked vauxhall wound the window down and pointed out the errors of his ways ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boomstick Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 (edited) Back in my younger days I was free single and largely drunk at the weekends. I would like to add that I am not an **** and this was a sad exception to my nice guy image The mistakes of youth Was at a party with a load of mates and had a few too many lets say. Was absolutely bombed is another way of saying it. Anyway, this girl was there that I had been getting friendly with - nothing serious - just a few kisses etc over a period of about 2 weeks or so. Anyway I ran into her at this party and we were snogging each other's faces off for a while. Later she needed a wee and I said 'mlake shuures you fffind me ven yoooou come baacck' or something to that drunken effect and went back into party and collapsed on sofa. Meanwhile, another girl who had a bit of a thing for me decided this would be a great time to shove her tongue down my throat. I was too drunk to complain. Anyway, other girl came back into party and was not too pleased..... In the morning i remember sweet FA and wake up to a text from girl number 1 saying 'have a good time last night then?'. I thought she was just being nice and genuine (I had no recollection of the previous night at ALL) and not being snide and mad. So I replied 'Yeah! Great party, had a wicked time - where were you?' She didn't text back Edited March 18, 2009 by Boomstick Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Markio Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 a few years ago i was walking through the city centre and i spotted a bunch of guys acting like idiots and annoying people outside the large shopping centre, so being brave i looked over and gave them a dirty look as i was walking towards the entrance only to walk straight into one of those concrete traffic stopping bollards at a perfect wedding veg height, i hit it with that much force that i sea-sawed over it and face planted into the ground...much to the amusement of the crows around the entrance, i stood up, lowered my head and walked into the shopping centre red faced..... What i want to know is... what's wedding veg? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikee Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 a good few years back i was a self employed builder and got a job on the local estate doing some jobs the elderly estate handyman couldnt cope with, he lived about 20 miles from the estate, we were putting some scaffold up around a house near the road when two women came walking towards us, a quite plump not greatly attractive girl in her early twentys and an older woman of similar appearance, i stupidly said "dont think much of yours mate" to which he replied theyre both mine its my wife and daughter she's married to the shepherd and my missus is visiting, i wanted the ground to open and swallow me up. mikee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boomstick Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 a good few years back i was a self employed builder and got a job on the local estate doing some jobs the elderly estate handyman couldnt cope with, he lived about 20 miles from the estate, we were putting some scaffold up around a house near the road when two women came walking towards us, a quite plump not greatly attractive girl in her early twentys and an older woman of similar appearance, i stupidly said "dont think much of yours mate" to which he replied theyre both mine its my wife and daughter she's married to the shepherd and my missus is visiting, i wanted the ground to open and swallow me up. mikee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mungler Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 a good few years back i was a self employed builder and got a job on the local estate doing some jobs the elderly estate handyman couldnt cope with, he lived about 20 miles from the estate, we were putting some scaffold up around a house near the road when two women came walking towards us, a quite plump not greatly attractive girl in her early twentys and an older woman of similar appearance, i stupidly said "dont think much of yours mate" to which he replied theyre both mine its my wife and daughter she's married to the shepherd and my missus is visiting, i wanted the ground to open and swallow me up. mikee Mikee, that's a goodun - 100% cringe factor +100. Harnser, I laughed a lot at yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beardo Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 I was quite into road race cycling (bicycle) when i was teen - one day i was out for a ride and there was this gorgeous blonde in a convertible MGB stopped at a traffic lights, i pulled up next to her and she turned and smiled at me. I smiled back and completely lost my senses, so much so that i forgot that i'd come to a halt and still had my feet locked into cleats on the pedals. Too late to do anything about it i fell sideways in a heap as she drove off laughing. the shame.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boomstick Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 I was quite into road race cycling (bicycle) when i was teen - one day i was out for a ride and there was this gorgeous blonde in a convertible MGB stopped at a traffic lights, i pulled up next to her and she turned and smiled at me.I smiled back and completely lost my senses, so much so that i forgot that i'd come to a halt and still had my feet locked into cleats on the pedals. Too late to do anything about it i fell sideways in a heap as she drove off laughing. the shame.... classic Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harnser Posted March 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 An other cringe worthy moment i can clearly remember was many years ago me and my mates were down the dell smoking herbs . I do mean herbs ,dried nettles and other dried weeds that we used to roll in newspaper and smoke . There were three or four girls with us and one of them was known as sweaty betty . She was known as sweaty betty because she allways had a sweaty top lip . She was quite ugly and had one of those eyes that used to look the other way ,you never quite knew who she was looking at . But her redeeming factor was that she had big threpenny bits and was not shy to let you have a look if you kissed her . She was very good at smoking the herbs and i descided that i would smoke more herbs than her and demand a kiss and a look at her threpenny bits . Whilst i was smoking the herbs i was thinkink of ways that i could wipe her top lip before i kissed her .I decided that i would have a bit of a wrestle with her prior to kissing her and somehow wipe her top lip with my sleeve . I challenged her to a wrestle which she duly accepted . She jumped on me before i was able to get ready and knocked me to the floor ,where she sat on my chest and held my arms down and planted the biggest kiss on my lips with the sweaty top lip . A combination of smoking the herbs and being kissed by sweaty bettys top lip made me spew up all over her ,she screamed and then punched me in the face . Didnt get to see the threpenny bits that time . A truely cringe worthy moment . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Imperfection Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 More cringworthy moments from others around me... While working as a roofer several years ago on a high rise development in Kensington-we had a new bloke start with us and went to use the portaloo on the roof.What he failed to notice was the huge chain attached to the portaloo because it was about to be hoisted down to the ground to be emptied and was only saved from possible death or absolute embarassment when the towercrane driver was frantically shouting down at him. The entire workforce on the roof at this point was killing themselves with laughter and the word *anker was shouted a fair few times... Then on another site in Kingston upon Thames i was waiting to see site manager and watched some obviously inexperienced driver on a dumper truck going a wee bit too fast over rough ground.He bounced about a bit,lost control and clipped a portaloo knocking it onto its side-complete with someone inside.By time they righted it,the poor bloke was covered in the funny blue chemical,*iss and lots of *hit. Again,lots of laughter and name calling commenced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiercel Posted March 18, 2009 Report Share Posted March 18, 2009 At the age of 16 I started an apprenticeship with a firm of toolmakers. The factory was quiet small and had a friendly atmosphere about it. The offices were at the front of the building and there was one girl that worked in the office that was a stunner, but a real tease. All the apprentices fancied her, she would walk round the factory in a low cut top, winding up anyone that would take any notice. One of the lads asked her out and she accepted. The rest of us were green with envy. That night they went to the local disco, and she done the same to him there, off flirting with every Tom **** or Harry every chance she got. In the end he left and left her there. When she came into work the next morning she was livid and proceeded to flirt with anyone and everyone. She went from man to man flirting in font of the chap that had left her in the disco the previous evening. When she came to me she seemed to pick me out for some "special treatment" maybe because I was the ugliest and youngest there. She made a show of running her fingers through my hair, ( I did have some at that age) she even jokingly grabbed at my groin. Eventually she went back in the office to do some work. Unfortunately I could not get her fondling me out of my mind, and my young imagination was working overtime. About half an hour later I had to go to the toilet and while I was sitting there, what had happened started going through my mind, with the obvious consequences. So I though well perhaps a quick hand shandy would help. Well, why not there’s no one in the toilets and I will be pretty quick. So as soon as I had finished I heard a round of applause and looked up to see all the apprentices stood around the cubicle clapping. TC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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