I need some ammo to return fire

[Doggone]

My Brother in law from Canada just e-mailed this to me. I need some stuff in a similar vein to reply to him. American will do if you don't know any Canadian stuff.

Andy

 

Subject: Brains of Britain

 

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

Contestant: Leicester

 

 

BBC NORFOLK

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

 

Contestant: I don't know.

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part

between your hand and your elbow?

Contestant: Arm

Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

Contestant: Strong.

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

 

Contestant: Louis

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit

with the song What A Wonderful World?

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

 

 

 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France.

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which

country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris.

 

 

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and

'cheesemongers'?

Contestant: Homosexuals.

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be

very upset with you

 

 

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all

written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the

Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

 

 

 

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

 

 

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

 

 

 

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

 

 

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO (MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

 

 

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

 

 

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er. ... ..

Richard: He makes bread . . .

Contestant: Er .. .....

Richard: He makes cakes . . .

Contestant: Kipling Street?

 

 

 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the

world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in

Spain .

 

 

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

Contestant: The Pacific.

 

 

 

ROCK FM (PRESTON)

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of

a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 

 

 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in

1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?

 

 

 

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER

... Three?

 

 

 

 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you

didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?

 

 

 

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel

last?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

 

 

 

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

 

Contestant: No.

 

 

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er... .... ..

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

Contestant: (Silence)

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

Contestant: Walked?

 

 

 

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the

sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia.

 

 

 

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.

 

 

 

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging

character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Ozzy Fudd]

try this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_fOttyeq3M

 

[hurstpol]

This is a true story, well documented, it should tckle your taste buds.

 

about canada:This Land Is Our Land

 

This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

 

CANADIANS:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

AMERICANS:

Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

 

CANADIANS:

Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

AMERICANS:

This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

CANADIANS:

No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

 

AMERICANS:

This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...

I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

 

CANADIANS:

We are a lighthouse. Your call

[hurstpol]

I have a friend in regina saskatchewen and regular banter ensues between us her is some more

 

You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss Hockey Night.

You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.

You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.

You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."

You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.

You know that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) don't always look like that.

You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.

You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.

You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".

You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.

You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.

You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.

You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"

You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.

You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.

You participate in Participaction!

You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.

You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.

You think Peter Kent is sexy.

You think Matt Damon is so-so.

You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

You think Great Big Sea isn't Atlantic-centric enough.

Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on (and you always have room for more).

You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.

You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.

You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.

You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.

You think Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.

You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.

You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".

You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.

You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.

You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.

You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your

favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.

You think -10 C is mild weather.

You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.

You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).

You know the ingredients for poutine.

You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.

You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.

You substitute beer for water when cooking.

You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.

[jojusa]

This is a true story, well documented, it should tckle your taste buds.

 

This goes with hurstpol's post!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB59xGtZeew

[stevethevanman]

lol....havent got any funn things to say to canadians

 

Steve

[Cranfield]

Ask them to name some famous Canadians.

 

My sister is a Canadian citizen and that one gets her every time.

[Zapp]

This is a true story, well documented, it should tckle your taste buds.

 

about canada:This Land Is Our Land

 

This is an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast off Newfoundland in October 1995. (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

 

CANADIANS:

Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

AMERICANS:

Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

 

CANADIANS:

Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

 

AMERICANS:

This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

 

CANADIANS:

No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

 

AMERICANS:

This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course15 degrees north...

I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

 

CANADIANS:

We are a lighthouse. Your call

 

Amusing, but sadly fictitious.

 

ZB

[Nial]

I need some stuff in a similar vein to reply to him.

 

 

You could ask him for a link to any classic Canadian comedies or culture.

 

 

And how cold it gets there in the winter.

 

 

Nial

[Wookie]

I thought that most of the better American actors were actually Canadians? Like Dan Akroyd... Jim Carrey (ok, I said better, not best), Er....

 

Where does your brother-in-law live in Canada? There's bound to be plenty of local dirt we can dig up for a specific region. Like Newfies liking sodomy.

[jmooney]

Refer to Canada as one of the following:

 

-America junior

-The 51st State

-America's Hat

 

Canadian's love this. trust me.....

[Doggone]

I thought that most of the better American actors were actually Canadians? Like Dan Akroyd... Jim Carrey (ok, I said better, not best), Er....

 

Where does your brother-in-law live in Canada? There's bound to be plenty of local dirt we can dig up for a specific region. Like Newfies liking sodomy.

 

 

Thanks everyone for the input, I should be able to put something suitable together now. My brother in law lives in North Vancouver.

Thanks

Andy

[Doc Holliday]

Ask them to name some famous Canadians.

 

My sister is a Canadian citizen and that one gets her every time.

 

The only one that comes to my mind is william shatner, and possibly that bloke who played the mountie in face north or something like that.

 

Let's face it! A lot of brits really are as thick as 2 short planks. Well the ones who seem to end up on TV anyway. There was a family from a nearby town (Snodland) who went on family fortunes and scored absolutely nothing. I mean like not even a bean, a bully or a dusty bin. Nothing. In fact, it was such a bizarre turnout that they actually made a special documentary about it. How embarrising is that? To go on family fortunes and walk away with nothing? Would be humiliation enough just going on there in the first place.

 

My other half wanted me & her to go on Bargain Hunt with Mr Orange. I mean David Dickinson. I shall refrain from placing unnecessary expletives on here.