jimdfish Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 Stun gun ....... ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS...! Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping the cat (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..... I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.! A three second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles, I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Browning GTS Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 Ouch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reg Booty Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 I have tears from laughing so much ! Quality piece of writing ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hodmedod.one Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 So it sounds like it does exactly what it says on the tin then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tenbears10 Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 **** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hawkeye Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 **** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cranfield Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 There was a film clip circulating on the Internet about a year ago, showing either a Police Chief, or Representative from the Taser Manufacturers, demonstrating a Taser to a room full of policemen in the US. When they shot him with the Taser, he fell on the ground and started screaming and swearing (no censoring). Even when they released him, he was still swearing and shouting. There was also a damp patch on the front of his trousers (apparently a known side effect). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tenbears10 Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 There was also a damp patch on the front of his trousers (apparently a known side effect). I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. I was assuming he didn't spill a glass of water Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miffy Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 I'll be laughing all night now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave-G Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 (edited) Try it again to see if it's repeatable Gwan - you know you wanna Edited March 20, 2006 by Dave-G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 *****!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzzer1 Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 *****!!!!!! took me bloody ages to read it as I could not stop laughing!!!! ABSOLUTE CLASS chap !!!! Buzz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackthorn Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 ***** still got tears rolling down my chops :lol sorry but i thought you was going to do the cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buzzer1 Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 I thought the cat was going to get it as well Blackthorn .....Im still LMAO Buzz Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Topgunners Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 (edited) sunny stockport, home of the brave and stupid??B)? very similar story as this one. http://www.dmeb2.org/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cg...ic&f=3&t=000419 Edited March 20, 2006 by Topgunners Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darebear Posted March 20, 2006 Report Share Posted March 20, 2006 muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha nice one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kenzie Posted March 22, 2006 Report Share Posted March 22, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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