holly Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 (edited) whats the best reply you have heard ? for me it was john lennons reply to a reporter who asked " is ringo the best drummer in the world " to which john replied "he isnt even the best drummer in the beatles " exellent Edited February 14, 2010 by holly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
George1990 Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 Funny Jimmy Carr one "Safety in numbers? Tell that to the jews" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonySmith Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 Foxtrot Oscar, is one I use regularly........ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bruno22rf Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 Several years ago i was on holiday with a couple of mates in Devon.We spent a lot of time driving around in the evening in my mate Nicks red Datsun 100(shows how long ago it was).To cut a long story short-nick had bought a blue flashing light and. despite advising him otherwise, decided to drive around some deserted country roads with the light flashing away on the dashboard.Anyhow-typical of nicks luck (he is the spitting image of Tim-nice but dim) we flew round one corner where a local cop was sat in his car.Less than 2 minute later we had stopped as the officer walked up to the car and tapped on the window.Nick wound down the window."Are you aware sir, that it is illecal to drive around displaying a flashing light and impersonating a police car?" "Its allright sir"nick explained-"I was being a fire chief" After about 10 seconds of silence the policeman burst into the loudest laugh i've ever heard. "**** off before i change my mind" were his parting words.One of the funniest moments in my life Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ME Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 We were at a burger van after a nightclub about 15 years ago. I was ordering some type of gut buster burger and my mate Nick ordered a cup of tea. The guy in the burger van was a scary looking giant of a bloke with tattoos everywhere and not someone you would want to "pee off". The burger bloke said to Nick "How do you want your tea mate ?" and just as he said that, he dropped the polystyrene cup with the tea in it and it went all over the counter. Quick as a flash my mate Nick said "Can I have it all over the counter please ?". The whole queue started laughing and the bloke just scowled at Nick and made him another one ! --------------------- On another occasion, a PW member that we all know was driving along with my mate Nick sitting in the passenger seat who had a girl sitting on his lap. They drove past a Police car which quickly turned round and pulled them over. (by which time the girl had jumped in the back) This female police officer came to the drivers window and said that they had seen two people on the passenger seat AND that the car was driving way over the 30mph speed limit. The driver knew that they couldnt prove either accusation but kept the conversation pleasant whilst denying all knowledge. After some discussion the female officer says "OK then, give me a good reason why I shouldnt just nick you right now". The driver pauses for a moment and says - "I dont speed often, I am kind to animals and I love my mum !". At that the female officer starts laughing and bids them a good evening and sends them on their way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ST3V3 Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 "Here's my phone number if its illegal can you ring me as I wouldnt want to break the law" my reply to a police officer who asked if my number plate on my bike was legal Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thumpersniper Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 I used to work for a farmer in mid wales and one day we were taking some fat cattle to the market in his lorry, as its all little roads there we had to go pretty slow. As we were passing this drive to a statley home there was a big range rover waiting to turn out, if he'd have gone quick itd be ok but we didnt slow down and he looked annoyed that we didnt stop and let his lordship out, but we didnt want to slow down on a hill and he should have just gone as there was plenty of time. He was stuck behind or about 6 slow miles and then we turned into the market. I saw in the mirror he turned in behind us and he got out and walked up to the window and started bawling at my boss saying that we should of let him out and that we'd held him up and the classic 'Do you know who i am??' when my boss answered quick as a flash 'yes, but i dont know who the **** you think you are'!! we both started ******* ourselves and he went! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thumpersniper Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 o yea, and the bloke i shear sheep with in the summer had another classic when the cops stopped him, we were going down the shrewsbury by-pass with the van and shearing trailer when we passed a cop on a bike. He pulled out and came after us and pulled us over. My mate got out and the cop said the tyres are looking a bit bald on this trailer then he took his hat off when dave said 'Bloody hell when did they lower the height restriction!!!!' he promptly got a £450 fine through the post, and the woman from the courts hung the phone up on him when he gave her the old 'working for a living' speel! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hushpower Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 Several years ago i was on holiday with a couple of mates in Devon.We spent a lot of time driving around in the evening in my mate Nicks red Datsun 100(shows how long ago it was).To cut a long story short-nick had bought a blue flashing light and. despite advising him otherwise, decided to drive around some deserted country roads with the light flashing away on the dashboard.Anyhow-typical of nicks luck (he is the spitting image of Tim-nice but dim) we flew round one corner where a local cop was sat in his car.Less than 2 minute later we had stopped as the officer walked up to the car and tapped on the window.Nick wound down the window."Are you aware sir, that it is illecal to drive around displaying a flashing light and impersonating a police car?""Its allright sir"nick explained-"I was being a fire chief" After about 10 seconds of silence the policeman burst into the loudest laugh i've ever heard. "**** off before i change my mind" were his parting words.One of the funniest moments in my life cracker that mate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrispti Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 After being pulled over by the police and asked ''do you know why I stopped you sir,'' replying with ''I dont know officer, is it because your bored'' has never gone down too well . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaulABF Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 From a colleague discussing a relatively new officer in the Regiment......"He's about as much use as Anne Frank's ******* drum kit" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6shot Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 a lady walked into a bar. silly bitch Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ST3V3 Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 (edited) heres another funny how all mine relate to bike's imperticular there number plates riding along the A50 saw a police car parked at the top of the slip road when i passed he came after me blue lights on so pulled into layby helmet off " yes officer" "do you know why I stopped you" "no" when you went past I never noticed you tax disc but its proberly in an obscure place" must have bloody good eye sight "yes I have got 1 and yes it is in an obscure place" "where is it then" "On the kitchen table at home" ended up with a rectification notice for number plate annoying thing is I was on my way to trade the bike in for a Fireblade on the upside when I arrived at the dealers they just stamped the ticket for me good job he wasnt there on the way back! Edited February 14, 2010 by ST3V3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ST3V3 Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 (edited) double post DOH! Edited February 14, 2010 by ST3V3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christy Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 What time is your dentist appointment tomorrow darling? Two firty! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BaconBoy Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 sat in the pub half cut.pub phone rings and the barmaid answers it,she shouts to my mate dave,your wifes on the phone he replies in his drunken scottish accent tell her to get off before she falls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smig4373 Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 When some 1 tells me where there from...I always say.....Jesus..it's so rough there,even the dogs walk round in 2's... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davie mac Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 A man i know had knock on the door, when he opened it,it was the TV licence man,he said have you got a tv licence,the man said no i dont, then the licence man said you have an aerial on the roof,the man at the door said, i have a pint of milk in the fridge but i dont have a cow in the back garden now **** off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agusta Posted February 14, 2010 Report Share Posted February 14, 2010 I was driving in Australia with my brother in the passenger seat and my niece in the back, I noticed a number of wombats which had been killed and marked with blue/green paint and asked why they had been marked. Suddenly my niece pipes up and says "why just one bat, why not two bats?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supersonic Posted February 15, 2010 Report Share Posted February 15, 2010 Asda's last Thursday... Ss: "I can't seem to find any gloves?" Asda goon: "We don't sell gloves in February" Ss: "No, but you've an full of ******* Easter eggs" Nige Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TonySmith Posted February 15, 2010 Report Share Posted February 15, 2010 Which reminds me....Back in the 70's I was a Kamikaze dispatch rider around central London, come the winter months we used to spray the bikes with a corrosion inhibitor and just leave them till the spring for a mega strip and clean, the bikes got real dirty looking, I was parked up on the side of the road reading my A to Z a car full of coppers pulled up along side, the one in the front passenger yelled at me " I cannot see your number plate" I just yelled back " It's normally on the back of the bike mate" The other coppers in the car just burst out laughing, the copper just grinned and said " give it a wipe lad" then they drove off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paul223 Posted February 15, 2010 Report Share Posted February 15, 2010 my bro in law went for a check up Dentist; come in take a seat, lean back, any problems? Bro in law; yes my wife wants a divorce and the business is going to the wall! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ME Posted February 15, 2010 Report Share Posted February 15, 2010 ME at the dentists (white South African chap) ME: Morning Dentist: Morning Mr ME, not at work today ? ME: Yes, later. Dentist: What do you do for work Mr ME ? ME: I have a freight company (pauses for a few seconds then says ) ... and what do you do for a living ? Dentist: Err..... I am a dentist ! (nurse starts laughing behind him) ME: GOOD, Just checking ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Callum. Posted February 15, 2010 Report Share Posted February 15, 2010 ME that wasn't very amusing >.> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozzy Fudd Posted February 15, 2010 Report Share Posted February 15, 2010 heard a good one in a dvd last night, kid talking to bruce campbell kid - "bruce, youve taught me the meaning of courage" bruce - "courage? i ran like cheap mascara!" one i got at the weekend in the pub annoying stuck up customer "whats your wine selection?" me - "well we have red... or white" :good: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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